Relationships Matter Live

Healthy Communication with Couples Coach Elam King

• Chanel Scott and Josh Powell • Season 1 • Episode 4

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Picture this: You're in a relationship, and despite your best efforts, there's a communication breakdown. You feel misunderstood, and your needs aren't being met. What do you do? How do you navigate these waters? Our special guest today, Elam King, a Relationship Coach, joins us to shed light on these queries and more. Elam shares his wisdom on understanding ourselves and our needs before we leap into a romantic relationship. As we dive into the conversation, we explore how our upbringing and experiences can shape our communication skills and impact our relationships.

Ever found yourself in a toxic relationship, feeling trapped and unsure of how to break the cycle? Elam explains how to identify poisonous communication patterns and how to take responsibility for our part in it. We also delve into the significance of emotional intelligence in fostering healthier relationship dynamics. Elam's insights into identifying and expressing our triggers, understanding our reactions, and managing them are a true eye-opener. He illustrates how a neutral party can serve as a guiding light, helping us understand our needs and emotions better.

Finally, we focus on self-respect and setting boundaries in relationships. Elam emphasizes how clear expectations and respect for boundaries are the foundation for any healthy relationship. He encourages us to reflect on past experiences, understand how they influence our present, and use this knowledge to build healthier communication dynamics. Elam leaves us with a powerful question: 'Would we accept the same behavior in our future relationships that we are tolerating now?' Tune in to our conversation with Elam King, and let's redefine how we communicate in relationships.

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Opposing experiences, a single woman and a married man, Chanel Scott, and Josh Powell, create a powerful and empathetic team, offering valuable insights and advice on navigating the complexities of romantic relationships and promoting healthier, more fulfilling connections.

Join Chanel and Josh as they unlock the secrets of successful relationships one conversation at a time.


Chanel Scott:

Welcome to Relationships Matter, the podcast. I am Chanel Scott.

Josh Powell:

And I am Josh Powell.

Chanel Scott:

And today we're going to be talking about healthy communication between a man and a woman. Relationships Matter. I need you to understand. Relationships Matter, and we have a special guest here today, elam King. Hey, hey, how you doing so good to see you.

Elam King:

You as well. Thank you, guys so much for having me on the show today. I appreciate it.

Chanel Scott:

Absolutely so, elam, we're going to jump right into it. I want to know from you I'm just going to be kind of like a listening ear, I'll be the voice of the woman, but how important is healthy communication between a man and a woman?

Elam King:

When I say that it's everything, that's exactly what it is. I'm a relationship coach and so I'd say that 90% of the people who come to my door, that's the key for everything a lack of communication. I always like to say just because you're grown doesn't mean that you're able to really have conversation People. That's kind of like a misnomer.

Elam King:

You think that just because you're 18 or you're an adult you're 35, 45, 55, that you know how to communicate. And we have to start by first recognizing that you know, just like with some of the other life skills. Let's say finances. We weren't really taught about finances, how we should really work, credit and all that stuff. Growing up. We get older, we're like okay, credit right. Same thing goes with interpersonal communication and intimate communication. We weren't taught that. That's not a muscle that we really taught. Particularly as men, you know, we have to understand that most of us were raised to not cry, you know, not express our feelings, because that's more of a feminine quality, so that's indoctrinated, no matter what color you are. Then, as we get older and we move into relationships, it's been more of we are, more we're not. We're not able to properly communicate with the other person and express our feelings because we never learned what our feelings were.

Chanel Scott:

Okay, but how do we establish that? Like going into a relationship not being taught how to communicate? How do we establish a healthy communication pattern?

Elam King:

The number one person that does not show up inside of most relationships is ourselves, and so that's why we'll attach ourselves to somebody else and then not like who we are. So it start with whether man or woman knowing what do you love, how do you receive love, what are your likes and dislikes, because that allows you to then be able to choose the right person. So step one is how do you love? You know what direction do you want to go in, and like what's your purpose? Right, because you're going to want to choose a partner that can collaborate with the direction that you want to go. So, again, if you know you first, that gives you an opportunity to have self-awareness. Then it allows you to have a better communication with someone else.

Chanel Scott:

Okay, all right, josh, you being having being married you know I'm always going to lean on that, sir, because you got that how do you like practically in your relationship, make it live, practically establish those healthy relationship patterns?

Josh Powell:

So for me and I agree with your point about communicating I think another piece in part to communication is being able to listen. You know, I think that a lot of times things go south because when somebody's trying to express themselves, typically we want to cut in because we want to address that or do whatever, but sometimes a person just needs to be able to be heard, get their point out, express everything fully, and then it's your turn to go. You know, a lot of times that friction comes because it's like, oh well, you making this about you and it's really about the person that just want to express themselves. So for me, I try to leave by example. I've been in situations where I've let a person rant for two hours straight, just sat there and let them get it off. You know what I mean. And having the patience to not take things personal, and it's not easy. You know what I'm saying. But in order to do these things, like when I want to be able to have my chance to speak you know, what I'm saying.

Josh Powell:

I'm setting the example by doing that, you know, and it's not always easy, but it's definitely something that's worth it when you have the right person involved as well.

Chanel Scott:

How do you mentally prepare for those difficult conversations Like, do you find, do you deflect? Or I mean, are you up for the challenge? Like, how do you? Because nobody wants to hear criticism right Nobody wants to hear that.

Chanel Scott:

So how do you prepare your mental to be able to sit through it, even if it's it may have a negative impact to maybe you know, maybe your ego, or it may be something that you don't want to hear? How do you work through that to be able to hear what the other person is saying and not become defensive?

Josh Powell:

So for me, one thing that I would like to share and then I'll pass it off is, like I love for my journey being an athlete, because at the end of the day of a coach or your team, they tell you what you're slacking or what you're not doing. It may not be easy to hear, but if we're trying to get this win and I'm all about the team by any means necessary, how that translates into a relationship. If you're my person, right, we riding is us against whatever that is. It's not us against each other, Even if I make the mistake or if I do something to make a bad decision, and vice versa. I want us to figure out what we need to do. And then another thing is accountability.

Josh Powell:

You know, that's the first thing to remove that off somebody else's plate by saying, hey, this is what I did first and foremost. So let me go ahead and put my hand up and let you know I'm acknowledging where I was wrong and then listen to you on what you feel your take is and how we can fix it.

Elam King:

I mean I could to echo that step one in conflict resolution is recognizing that you're on the same team.

Elam King:

And that's one of the first thing he says. So, regardless, even when the bullets fly real quick, we're on the same team, right? And the goal is for the team to win the game, not for you to win the game. So if you're coming, if you're not emotionally intelligent in that moment and able to say I can have this conversation with you and play ball with you. If you know that I always try to tell people to use a buzzword within their relationship to say hey, okay, let's stop. I cannot currently love you through this moment and have a conversation with you. So can we six o'clock, can we come back at nine o'clock so I'm now able to engage and have that conversation with you. Now. Look at it like oh gosh, it's something else we got to talk about, or whatever. So, knowing yourself enough and knowing the team enough, I can't play ball right now. Let's talk tomorrow at six. And then you know he was talking about listening. That's, you know, step four of we got to listen to each other, right.

Elam King:

You know, if we're on the same team, right, and recognize that we have to talk and we have to deal with this moment. I now know I need to listen to you and if I can't do that, again blow the whistle. Can't talk right now. And I always tell people, particularly men, always say hey, listen, you got about 24, 48 hours and you got to come back to that conversation, because if a man doesn't show up for a woman's dialogue, she will come up with her own monologue and then hold you accountable to what she came up with. So, man, we got to talk and so come back within a day Maybe to let's have this conversation, because the team it needs to win.

Chanel Scott:

But even in that, because I just think about me and some of those spaces when I want to express myself, or maybe get something off of my chest and then someone stops the conversation or leaves or walks off. How I mean, how do, how does one deal with that level of emotion and then try to like balance it out and understand that, okay, this is the time where you Take the time out. This is the reason I'll be no.

Elam King:

no, that makes sense, I know in the moment and it makes sense, right, and that's why dating versus Versus marriage it can be two different things. I mean, you're dating, you're actually training for the marriage, right, and so you're understanding, this is a team, this is a team. So maybe on day one, y'all just made each other, you might want to go into an uproar and keep on talking, but once I now know you, my life partner, you're my teammate, and so that's, that's, that's self-awareness for you to even be able to say you know, look, I want to have this conversation right now and I'm like, but I can't do it. So, and that's why I said, sometimes, switching up our words when we can't have the conversation, hey, you know what? Chanel, I cannot love you through this conversation right now, and I want us to continue to work together.

Elam King:

Do you mind if I, if I'm able to love on you more, and this at nine o'clock tonight, what you gonna say?

Chanel Scott:

Now that I feel safe because I can't talk right now. Yeah, because you've acknowledged, right, You've acknowledged me in some way. But you're saying that we're not able to do it and then then I feel safe, like okay, we will talk again. I don't feel like you're deflecting and just trying to get out of the conversation and then you never have the conversation again. So then my question is how do you recognize when the communication has become toxic? I Mean.

Elam King:

That's such a.

Elam King:

It's so broad in that because you could recognize it in the moment or you could recognize it and I've been in this situation where you've allowed Things to happen and maybe you didn't say nothing in year one, but here you are, five years out and you're blowing your stack and you're like and you can look back and be like it started Way back then and it was my responsibility to you know to grab my part of that and walk through that.

Elam King:

So it happens on both. I don't think that there's a aha moment. It's just that you have to recognize that if you're trying to change something, you have to be able to go to go with Michael Jackson man in the mirror right now. You got to look at yourself, right? And what? How can I be a part of this change? Right? And how did I contribute towards this toxicity? Whether I allowed it to happen or I was just speaking out of ignorance most of time. Not being able to shut it down and come back Later on is so many Facets to it of the reason why things can go toxic.

Chanel Scott:

I know for me I've struggled with a tremendous amount of rejection, right, and a lot of that is just not being heard or not feelings not being acknowledged. And then I find myself over talking and it's like for me I Can listen and I can hear, but when I don't feel like I'm being acknowledged or affirmed, then I can't sit and listen to your Concern. I can't. I can't. But you know when I. But so when I'm communicating I try to affirm, acknowledge, I hear, you understand and you know I can see why you maybe felt that way. But then I also express well, this is how I felt and I'm looking for the same thing in return. And then when you don't get it, it just makes it all bad.

Elam King:

You hit the trigger. If I had to hit the top two triggers for Elam, that is one, not one not being heard Now, I perpetuated that in a previous relationship because I didn't voice myself. I felt like that, my level of Self-worth of being able to say the way I feel matters. I didn't do it. It was more like what do you need? What do you need, what do?

Elam King:

you know, so now, knowing what that looks like on the other side, I'm now like, okay, I make sure that I express, okay, I matter what I have the same. And if you think that it's just gonna be, you know, happy wife, happy life type situation, or is this all me coming to you? This is not gonna work. This is what I matter. I'm gonna speak about this today, you matter. You want to speak about yours tomorrow, you know, but we're gonna both listen to each other and what I have is going to come into consideration or we just can't do this.

Josh Powell:

So I know you spoke about earlier Emotional intelligence and when we get back from this break, I want you to, because some people may not know or never heard that term. But can you speak about emotional intelligence and can you speak about how you use that in your relationship today? Absolutely, yes, we'll be back. I need you to understand relationship.

Chanel Scott:

Welcome back to relationships matter, the podcast. Before we went to break, we were transitioning the conversation into emotional Intelligence. So, josh, go ahead and ask your question to Elon.

Josh Powell:

Yeah, I wanted to ask you spoke about it earlier but just to kind of explain to the people what, because some people never heard that term before what emotional intelligence means, and you know how are you using emotional intelligence in your relationship.

Elam King:

So we would need about, oh, five hours to really really break it down. But if I had to go to the bullet points and I particularly do this with my couples who are Engaged you have to have a level of what's what's yourself awareness. What do you need? Right, because people got a long list of what they want. Right, what do you need? And there's different subsets out there. For example, we've all heard about the love languages. Right, that would be an emotional intelligence, because I need to know what do I need.

Elam King:

I'm a physical touch, words of affirmation person, so I know that I need somebody to encourage me. It's not that I can't encourage myself, but you know, hey, you look good today. That was a great whatever, great pocket, whatever, like I. That's something I need a little cheerleader, you know. And so, also from a physical touch perspective, I know, you know, inside of that aspect, what's needed is what I'm the kiss me when I leave, kiss me when I come back. That's all a part of my emotions and what am I feeling?

Elam King:

Right, and so you know, understanding that is like step one of knowing what do I need, you know, and then taking that and matching that with somebody who's willing to sign up for what I need, what my triggers were, what we were talking about in the previous segment. I need to know that you're listening to me. So if you are sitting there and you on your phone and I'm talking about something serious, I'm gonna catch an emotion from now. I know that. So therefore, the first time it happens, I'm gonna address it. Hey, that right there takes me to 10. So, in order for our team to continue to work, please look at me, talk to me, engage with me. Don't be doing something else and then saying, oh, I can hear you because you know you got people that I can multitask.

Elam King:

Yeah, no, I need you to look at me, because that's gonna set off an emotion for me and I might not be able to come back from that and it could just go left right. So, knowing what your triggers are, so you know, and we can go down a laundry list of different ones that I might have. But knowing what sets you off, knowing what makes you feel like that, whether you're physically doing it or whether you're verbally doing that, you're wrapping your arms around me and then I can go out and fight the lions and the tigers and the bears all day, and that's the reason why I'm willing to go. Do was necessary to Secure my home, protect my home, take care of my home. But in order for me to go do that, I know that I need to pull from you a certain level of Giving, caring. And the laundry list, I mean we can go to apologies right, I know that I need to hear I'm sorry. There's five, you know, you know I can look that up another time of this five different apology languages.

Elam King:

Some people don't care about hearing the word I'm sorry. They just want you to show. Show me what you're gonna do differently in the future, or show me that this, this hurts you. I need to hear the words I, and if you don't say that it's gonna cause an emotion to me, like as if you don't care, if you're just like, I don't need to say I'm sorry, I'm just gonna work on not doing it again. Yeah, but did you even know what you did? Right, you know? Cuz if you don't, if I don't get that acknowledgement, my brain's gonna go left. So am I signing up? Am I having someone sign up? For? Hey, I need to hear the words. I'm sorry if that's a problem for you, this ain't gonna work right.

Elam King:

And so, to answer the latter portion of the question, that's what I do use now I qualify. Everybody doesn't qualify for Elim King. You know, just because you're a nice person or you're attractive, you could be a nice person, but that doesn't make you my person. And I think a lot of times we we look at people and we just say, oh, they make this type of money or they look like this. Wow, let me match you with somebody that looks good and makes good money. Boom, the they're. The sign-up sheet might be different for each person. This person can't do quality time, but just because they look good, you can. You don't qualify for this person. And I think that if we started looking at do you qualify for me, you could be a nice person all this night. Do you qualify?

Chanel Scott:

How do you determine if someone qualifies? What exactly are you looking at?

Elam King:

And that that kind of goes back to some of the pieces that we were speaking about. Whether it's your loveline, what this might, let's just go to purpose right. What I want to do in life, I would need somebody to be secure to know that I'm gonna be. You know, I might have to travel to go to this go, but if you're a quality time person, I Don't qualify for you because I'm gonna be on the go and you feel like you would like to watch Netflix and chill for 30 minutes Every night. This is real, real clients that I have. I have clients that right now this she's just like hey, listen, I just want 30 minutes to watch the news with you every night. He was like I'm always working. Oh, they almost got a whole divorce over that over 30 minutes of the news, because that was important to her.

Chanel Scott:

Isn't that like compromise in terms of a relationship your partner wants to spend time with? You. I think that was a. That was a reasonable ass.

Elam King:

And I give. I understand that, but then you might have people from a physical touch perspective. They feel like that. An okay ask is I would like to have sex four times a week. He might have. The spouse might be like, yeah, I'm good with two. You know we could say, well, this is a easy ask why you can't just do it Is it good, is everything clicking? Okay? Well, let's go.

Chanel Scott:

Somebody else might not be able to sign up for that, though, for the whole point of the relationship is so that we can, I guess, be with each other, nurture each other, pour into each other. How are you supposed to do that if you're not spending any quality?

Elam King:

time. I have many and we can just say female friends, but it's just like I don't want to be up under somebody all the time.

Elam King:

Not all the time, but but okay, let's go to this. People always ask because they'll see me in this space and they'll say what do men want? What do women want? And my answer is what women want is what Chanel wants. What men want is what Josh wants. I might want something different, right? So you have to be willing to understand who that person is and sign up for it. So everybody doesn't want quality time. Some people don't care about it and their relationship is operating perfectly. They do one date night a month and their relationship is running great, but do you have to have the same love language in?

Elam King:

order to be compatible. No, you do not. No, you just have to be.

Chanel Scott:

So I could have the love language, because quality time is definitely one of mine. I'm extremely busy, but it is one of mine, so would I be compatible with someone whose love language was not quality time?

Elam King:

Absolutely. And the reason why is because, again, give me a chance to sign up for what you want. I might be physical touch, words of affirmation that might not be at the top of your list, but because you want to be with me, you're willing to work towards that. You might not be on 10 with it right now, but you're like Elam, I'm going to go. I'm going to be a six today. My next year I'll be a six. I'm going to get to it because you want to be with me, right?

Elam King:

I'm not the best quality time person, but that's why, even within my schedule, I started blocking off Mondays and Fridays on purpose. I started the week and end the week with making sure that I'm more focused around family and who I'm with, right. So I have to be intentional on giving quality time because I get caught up in my work of what I purpose, what I love to do, and it's not that I don't want to be with her. I'm just over here doing what God told me to do, right. So I have to be willing to be intentional. Sign up for right. So, no, love languages don't have to match. You just have to be willing to do what it takes to be with that person.

Chanel Scott:

Josh, what do you think about the love language?

Josh Powell:

I had a whole different question, because he's speaking to so many different things.

Josh Powell:

I do agree with him from the standpoint of, like people have their love languages, but you be unwilling to work with the person. I think sometimes in relationships people feel like it's black and white and it's not and there's a case by case, situation and scenario. But to his point, if you really want that person or if you feel there's value in this relationship, you're going to by any means, you're going to do whatever it takes to get that. You know what I mean.

Josh Powell:

And not only get it, but maintain it and make sure that it flourishes and that it's successful. So I'm in the grants with that and one of the things I did want to ask, going back when you spoke about triggers, I wanted to ask you because it's like a three-sided question, but I wanted to ask first, do you believe that all of us know our triggers? That was my first question. And then, if a person doesn't recognize or think that they have triggers, our responsibility. If we feel like we recognize triggers, how do we address that? And then, after we address it, depending on what they do. I told you this was a three-sided question.

Elam King:

Yeah, I'm trying to get through the first one.

Josh Powell:

I was literally thinking about all of that because you were speaking about so many amazing things at the beginning of it and I just didn't want to miss that, because I feel like that's something that we all struggle with our partners, somebody that we love and we're watching them. We're like where is that coming from? What's going on? That can't be on me, but I guess we'll find that answer when we get back After this break. Good people, I'll go ahead and get back in. We'll tap back in. But yeah.

Chanel Scott:

Welcome back to Relationships Matter podcast. Before we went to break, we were talking about communication and triggers and, josh, you had a question for Elam. Go ahead and answer the question that was posed to you before the break.

Elam King:

So regarding, I believe, the first one, regarding how do we know it, knowing our triggers, or whatever.

Elam King:

And I would say ideally, how would we know them? We would be in council from the time we're a teenager straight through until we take our last breath. That would be the ideal situation. That would give us an opportunity of having a neutral party take a look at us in our history or whatever, and be able to coach you through who you are and evolution, things like that. That's what most of us don't do. What we do is we go, get into relationships and then we figure out what we like and what we don't like, and sometimes we are. Our level of communication allows us to continue to talk and say something to the other person. Hey, this is what upsets me, this is what triggers me, right. Other times we don't. We just keep that held in and then eventually it just does an explosion from an emotion perspective. So I would say that how I ran into it is the latter. I didn't know I wasn't in council.

Elam King:

I didn't have any coaching. There must be something wrong with that space. Of course, inside of our culture, definitely, but just as a man period, I'm supposed to figure it out. So it's actually more manly for me to run into my trigger versus doing research and getting a better self-awareness of myself so that I can communicate to my significant other. Hey, this is what bothers me when you don't listen to what I'm saying, I'm going to tend I would, looking back, much rather have figured that out beforehand and then to run into it. But that's what most of us know.

Chanel Scott:

But let me ask this what do you do when you express your triggers and the other person doesn't empathize? They say well, that doesn't have anything to do with me, that happened to you before you met me, there's no sensitivity there. How do you manage that?

Elam King:

What happens when you do it. Again, that happened inside of my relationship as well, where I didn't do the due diligence up front. So we're on the back end and we're trying to figure this thing out. And again, this is one of the reasons why the being in council is so important, because to sit down and have a neutral party and you're able to communicate to that person and then they're able to take the same words that you probably said, kind of repackage it and hand it over to your significant other so that they can absorb it better.

Elam King:

Because, perhaps because you didn't do the due diligence up front again, just because you're a good person, it doesn't make you my person. And although you thought this thing was so blessed and God has favored your marriage, it was never supposed to go together to begin with. But because God gives us free will, he's like I see you in 12 years when you're going to listen to me and then. So sometimes that person's not willing. It's what's called an unwilling spouse. You could have an unwilling spouse or significant other that's not willing to come in the direction of you. Then the balls on in your court. What do you do? Do you try to make that person do it? Or do you recognize that, hey, this person is not willing to do what it takes and you make the tough decision to walk?

Chanel Scott:

away. I watched a video not too long ago. I sent it to you, josh, with the Yala. She says whenever you enter into a new relationship, the unhealed places always rise to the forefront, whatever's unhealed on the inside of you. When you get into a new situation, it comes out, and I find that to be extremely true. It has been true for me in times past, areas where I thought maybe I did the work, I dealt with those insecurities and maybe I hadn't been in that same scenario in some time and thought that I had worked through it. And then I get into a situation and it's still there, you know, trying to work through that.

Josh Powell:

If you and I just wanted to touch on something, because if you feel like a person is not respecting you or not trying to hear things that hurt you, your pain, your trauma, your triggers, anything in that manner, automatically that should be a red flag, in my opinion, because you can't tell me you love me but then not care about how I'm doing mentally or emotionally or spiritually or physically. It just doesn't, in my opinion, go hand in hand. That makes no sense. It should be. And then, on the flip side, 90% of the time, in my opinion, those same people want you to care exactly about how they feel, what they're going through, why you're not understanding, and it just doesn't make any sense.

Elam King:

I think that to that point, a lot of times we see that probably a month one, a month three, a month four or five, and instead of making a decision to cut and go, you're like, well, if they could just, or I can get them to. And I particularly try to share this with women, because you have a nurturing factor by nature, right, and so because of that, that actually gets used against you sometimes, because you feel like that you can fix him right, get him to where you want him to be. And I, you know, when somebody shows you who you are, believe them, don't try to change them. That's who they are. You either accept the fact that they're not going to respect them, move forward, whatever what you need, or you leave them, but don't. And what happens? That people stay on in there.

Chanel Scott:

Now you're in year two and year three still saying, but if they could just to be honest, I think we don't see many examples of the opposite, so we'll stick in it because we think, well, we got to deal with it somewhere, so we might as well just put up with it here, because I know I we never experienced it. I never experienced someone who actually cared about my triggers or things that affected me before I got to them, or things that they may have saw rise up in my personality, and actually come and have a conversation with me about it. I've never had that happen.

Elam King:

I like to say that in relationships we've always even though AI is coming around now for software, in my opinion relationships has been on AI since day one it was an artificial intelligence of what we thought a relationship was. Okay, man, do this, woman do this. You know, if I want something, I just automatically think you're going to do it. No, right, we got to communicate. Communication is more than just saying let's communicate. I don't even know how I feel about certain things, so how can I communicate with you? Right?

Elam King:

So there is a reconditioning and that's why even platforms such as your show saying relationships matter because people have to understand it's a little bit deeper, just like when we hear black lives matter, right, of course, we knew that beforehand, but it's shining a light on. Hey, we have to take a look at this a little bit deeper because we've been artificial, led to, you know, night and shining armor and the house with the picket fence and the dog like miss me, with that you can put that right next to Climb corporate America and become the CEO, like we know that that's not you know, certain things that was artificially served to us, and so platforms such as this, of my opinion, help, because people need the one person's going to watch this and say, oh, it's not just me, that I'm really, I demand, I want a little bit more than I was wrong.

Elam King:

or for somebody here, you know what. I can't change this person. I need to either cut my losses or shut up and stay in this thing and stop complaining.

Chanel Scott:

People think that you I'm sorry I was going to say people come into a relationship thinking that you're ready, made right. You have to make adjustments in yourself when you're connecting with anybody, because people come with a whole history of stuff and it's like emerging of two history, so you're going to have to make adjustments. Nobody's going to be exactly the way that you want it going in, but through communication and compromise Sometimes you know you can get it the way you want it to be.

Josh Powell:

And another thing too is the more we learn about our person, the better we can love them. And it can't just be the good things Like. We have to understand the hard things, because if I can learn your body language, I won't be offended in thinking, okay, that's me, that's probably me picking up on, okay, might be dealing with something else. That's why it's important to learn traumas, triggers, child, you know child history, relationship history, just in conversation, not something that's forced, but just every time or any chance that you get, because now that can take me to another level as a partner. I can love you in a much better place, I can be more patient, I can be more graceful, I can show all of those things that you need that can help us do this together.

Elam King:

There's a author that I always shout out because I just got so much for her. Her name is Dr Luanne Brisendine, and so she wrote two books, the Male Brain and the Female Brain. And, to your point of, and people just couldn't even understand how people's brains work biologically, why a man might be a little bit more reserved biologically, why women do want to communicate more, that has something to do with estrogen. So people don't even know. So men are wondering why she want to talk so much? Because God made her like that, to want to communicate. Sir, come on to that side with her and understand that she's not trying to be nagging or whatever. She's built to communicate. So, man, even though you're built to be a little bit more reserved and a loner, you've got to come on to that side.

Chanel Scott:

All right, we'll continue the conversation on healthy communication. We come back. Welcome back to Relationships Matter the podcast.

Chanel Scott:

We're talking about healthy communication. So, elam, I have a question what causes a person to get to the point where they disrespect the other person in the relationship? Like, I think about my own, like in times past, that moment where I crossed the line and I became disrespectful, you know, irate, belligerent, you know, because I mean I've been there. I think about how I felt maybe in that moment, most times, like my hurt manifests in aggression, like some people go in the corner and cry and they're sad, they're hurt. My manifest in aggression and anger, you know, and I think in that moment it's a like I'm just learning now that it has a lot to do with my anxiety level, like sometimes people have anxiety attacks and it manifests differently Even in that my manifest in aggression. I could be overly anxious and not know how to deal with the stressful situation in that moment and it's coming back in aggression.

Chanel Scott:

And I'm learning that about myself and I think about in those moments, what made me, what pushed me to the point where I was just like forget it, because there are, there is there is a point where you're like well, you get. Before you get to the point, you're like let me just watch what I say. Let me not just be disrespectful, like I don't want to talk to this person this way, but then it's like it's a moment, it's a trigger where you're like you know what, they don't value me, they don't respect me, so I'm going to return the behavior because you feel powerless in that moment and you it might, and for me it's like I have no else to go. So it's almost like you say fuck it and you just go. What causes that? Or you know? I just want to make sense of it.

Elam King:

It's multiple different levels of working, cause I mean, we are a product of the things that we read, the things that we see, and also our experiences as well. And so perhaps let's just sit, and this is just one aspect, this is not the end, all beyond. Let's just say one aspect is your product of what you were brought up in. If you saw your mom cuss your dad out, right that, even though you know you love your dad, so you're like, okay, I know that doesn't feel good, but you see it happening, right. So when you become older, you very well from a generational curse perspective or just from what you've been taught you'll turn around when you get mad cause we all get mad right. And then we can lash out, right and boom, now you feel like it's okay to cuss him out because you saw your dad stuck around, even though he dropped all the F bombs and he's all the Bs and everything right. So it could be a product of what you've seen. And then also this is where it comes into- I'll take full accountability.

Chanel Scott:

It has nothing to do with.

Elam King:

like my mother, yeah, I wasn't saying you. I was just speaking in general, like if you're speaking, I'm thinking through my own personal situation.

Chanel Scott:

Like I'm one of those type of people. This is how I feel, as long as he's talking even if it's not what I want to hear, then we're good the moment he stops talking that's when things go awry. But in those moments where you're like, no matter what you're saying, it's just not, he's not receiving it.

Elam King:

He has got to be something of substance. I mean, you want them to hear you. You ain't hearing me. Yeah, I don't feel heard.

Chanel Scott:

That's what it's like. You feel backed up against the wall, Like he's not hearing me, and instead of trying to stop, take a moment and digest what's being said, the person becomes like a brick wall. That becomes frustrating. You know, you feel backed up in a corner like gosh you're not hearing me.

Elam King:

Well, there's four different conversations going on at any given point. Is what you said is what they heard, is what you meant, and it's what you. It's what they received, right. And so how you said it is not a lot. Have you ever said something and didn't mean it Right? We've all been there, right. Or they ever say something and the person did not receive it Right and you're like how could you not know? Now you mad Because you didn't. That's a whole another brain that was not raised like you, completely different. So they might not receive what you're saying.

Elam King:

So that's why one technique I would say to people is ask the person to mirror back what you said. So when you say and I do this with my couples I say, okay, you speak one sentence of what? What are you saying right now, right. And then I asked the spouse one second later mirror back what she just said. I say, over half of the time he will mirror back or she will mirror back the complete opposite of what was said. And I'm like, okay, we're in a calm setting right now and you are not able to receive what the person is saying. Now add heat to it. What do you think would happen to person. So if we now understand that this is possible in a calm setting, that the person, you can speak something to somebody and they completely not hear you, and so normally and I've been in this situation my I'm now I'm clapping back because now I feel like you ain't trying to hear me, right, you just want to throw it off or deflect.

Elam King:

They honestly did not hear you. I felt like that before. So I'd say that for those anybody who's been in that situation again, myself as well incorporate into your communication. Okay, so I said, go downstairs and go on the top shelf and get the apple. Okay, now, what did you hear me say? And they might be like you said in about 10 minutes, go downstairs and on the top shelf is some fruit. And now you like what? And this is what happens in conversations and, like I said, at heat, it's even worse, right. So to heal that, ask them to mirror back. What did you hear me just say? Right, and sincerely listen, because they know that they might have missed it.

Chanel Scott:

Or ask for the person to explain before you respond. Right. What you think, john, what you think.

Josh Powell:

So I like playing doubles advocate sometimes. I think that in my opinion and that's true I agree with you all. But I also think there's another side to we misconstrue a person can hear us, but we get upset because they don't agree with us. Oh yeah, that's word that's a lot of, in my opinion, where a lot of that tension and those feelings come from, because a person like literally they can hear you, even if they mirror it back, but there are times when a person wants you to agree.

Elam King:

Like yo, you did that.

Chanel Scott:

I agree with that you don't have to agree, but at least acknowledge what the person is saying.

Elam King:

Like you can agree to disagree, but say I hear you Can't do that, but I'm just saying in terms of when you're going through that, because I can know you can.

Chanel Scott:

I've been there, I've been there. Ok, he doesn't agree with me, but I don't even feel acknowledged because he don't agree with me then. So you can't acknowledge me either. You can't acknowledge that I feel a certain type of way about this situation. Whether you agree with me or not, I still want to at least be acknowledged or affirmed, or validated. You don't have to agree and you can say well, I don't agree because we're still having healthy communication, because you're explaining to me why you don't agree. So now that allows me to be able to look at it from a different perspective. But if you just say I don't agree, it's just like they don't even acknowledge that it's bothering you, it's hurting you. They're not even willing to take out the time to really hear you.

Josh Powell:

But I think the fair thing to ask, though, is because if you're communicating, somebody might just be in the moment, and it's not like a personal attack If we're on this journey together, as we should be that they're probably just in the moment, just saying, well, I don't agree. And then if that's something that sparks something else, then I think it would be fair to say can we backtrack? Can you at least say that you heard what I'm saying, or that you validate, or whatever, because sometimes we make that assumption that just because they said this, it means that and those wires being crossed. That's why communication is so dangerous.

Elam King:

And that's why I think part of the qualification to be in a relationship is understanding that you're going to disagree with the other person. So that doesn't mean they don't love you, it doesn't mean that they don't respect you or whatever Part of the qualification of being in a relationship. They're not going to agree with you. So if we start off with OK, you say something, I acknowledge it, but then say I don't agree. Same team. You got to be like OK the team in order for the team to win. Sometimes, every now and then, we might disagree. We can try to collaborate or meet in the middle somewhere.

Chanel Scott:

I just think that it has everything to do with not feeling safe. When you can't respect the fact that your partner doesn't agree, it's probably because you don't feel safe or that you don't trust that they care enough about how you feel. But we'll continue this conversation. We come back from break. Welcome back to Relationships Matter, the podcast. Before the break we were talking about triggers, not agreeing to disagree and it just not being a safe place. I just wanted to kind of hone in on the idea that most times when people get overly emotional or it goes awry, it's because it has happened time and time and time again. It's not an isolated incident and so over time they've developed this level of emotion and they're like OK, it gets to the point where you're like you know what? This person doesn't hear me, this person doesn't respect me and doesn't really care how I feel about a particular situation. Talk more about that.

Elam King:

We talked earlier when we were talking about toxic toxicity in a relationship, something like that we're talking about, and when that word comes up a lot of times it's between the two people. I think that what sometimes we miss is how we have toxic communication with ourselves, and being that we don't have a baseline of what we will and will not do, and so we don't create that. One of the things I like to say in the beginning with couples as non-negotiables what do you have to have? It's like building a house what's on your concrete slab? We can't just come and drop the house out there, right. We have to have the foundation. What's on your foundation? What do you have to have?

Elam King:

And if it's violated, understood that it's a non-negotiable. So if you cross that line, then conversation is a little bit more than you didn't take the dog out last night, right? So if we have to understand that, instead of letting stuff keep going and going, we have to stop and say OK, I'm not feeling good based upon this conversation this is how you're making me feel. This has to be a more immediate change or I'm out, right. And if we do that in the beginning of the relationship, month, one month, because you can see all this stuff if you're paying attention. So when you see it, ask yourself do I really want to continue on? If this person never changes, can I continue on with this person? If the answer is no, you might have to make a decision.

Elam King:

And I think it's also important to present that to the person, because maybe they were never held accountable in this area. Maybe nobody ever held their feet to the fire of just saying, hey, in this relationship with me, I require this level of communication or this, whatever it is. And if that person is not willing to sign up for again you've now done that in the first 30, 60, 90 days right, it might hurt a little bit, but you can be out and not everything's probably still for free. You haven't intertwined things too much, so I think that we have to at any given point. In my opinion, you can draw the line in the sand. If you've been in your relationship for the past 10 years and you haven't drawn the line in the sand, you can do that immediately and you can give that person the grace to kind of transition because you've let this thing go on for so long. Or you could just say hey, by this date this has to be in play, that could be a mental note, guys.

Chanel Scott:

That could be absolutely a mental note. Stop fighting for a person who isn't fighting for you. You know, if you're constantly going through these same cycles, same toxic communication, same insensitivity, not being compassionate toward how you feel, then that person clearly doesn't love you. Like you said, you have to make some decisions.

Elam King:

Now they could love you. They're just not willing to sign up for who you want, how you want to be loved, and that's okay too.

Chanel Scott:

But how do you even get to that point that you love me but you don't want to? I don't even know how you can get to that point when you can say you love me, but then we constantly are bumping hands.

Elam King:

An hour, an hour, because it happens every day, though.

Chanel Scott:

I love you, but we still fighting about the same issue. Or you don't empathize with me, or you don't at least acknowledge my feelings or how I feel.

Elam King:

Yeah, I don't even know, I feel.

Josh Powell:

I feel, because it's not just. It's not just with your personal relationships. It could be family, it could be friends that's how I like to translate this thing and it's like with a friendship if that person is not in line right, y'all might have been homies growing up. Y'all could have been right in line with each other until you hit 25 and then somebody woke up one day and was like yo, this person is not serving me anymore, like I just, I truly believe. First of all, you shouldn't be in a relationship or entertaining anybody. You don't feel safe, you don't feel heard, you don't feel seen, you don't feel acknowledged, all of these different things. When somebody says they love you, that's something that carries weight. The problem is, people throw around love like it's nothing. That's the real issue. That's real.

Josh Powell:

So, even though we're loving people from toxic, hurt, broken, painful places, that's not actually what love is Right. Right, you've done, you've done or doing your growth, you're done or doing your growth. I'm definitely on my journey, my understanding, even when I was 18, if it didn't feel good to me, I'm like, I'm questioning that because it's like, even if I've never seen it, something in my spirit is not in line with what is going on Right and I might not be able to process it properly, I might not be able to go through those emotions properly, but I do feel in my gut that something's not right. Right and people fight that feeling. There you go. That's impressive. Way too much than we should. We ain't got no business doing business with some of these people. We ain't got no business still going over that uncle or auntie's house.

Josh Powell:

We ain't got no business with that homie or that childhood girlfriend, and we dang sure ain't got no business entertaining men and women or young men and women who aren't serving or in line or into them where we're going and we have to stand strong on that Right.

Elam King:

I mean, I'd say, the biggest piece of that. I even went to a job. You really should not be on a job that's not serving you or whatever that you're walking in is not. So if you recognize what you need and what you want and have that level of value for yourself, you'll then be able to tell your lady, just like you can tell your mother, just like you can tell your auntie or your grandmother or your sister, hey, I don't like that, I don't want to be placed in this situation. I love you, but this is not something that's going to be beneficial for me or that that makes me feel good, as you were saying. So I'm sharing this with you again I love you. You know, mom, sister, whatever but we can't continue on with this. We'll just let it keep going on and then get mad at the person for not stopping doing what we haven't even told them Really what not to do to us Absolutely.

Elam King:

You know, or maybe we just told them once and they're just like they blow you off and you're just like I told them one time. You need to go back and tell them again, absolutely you know, because who's stressed right now? Right, you, they over there chilling.

Josh Powell:

So, yeah, and figure out. You know, figure out what that looks like and everybody's is different. You got some people that are one and done. Yeah, you got other people that's like you know what. I can give them a chance over and over again, but whatever that looks like to you, you got to stand on that Right. Grace is necessary inside of a relationship but you get.

Elam King:

You get two pieces of grace If you this person, you get maybe three If you're this person. Like different people get different. My brother's get a very low grace level for me. I'm snapping back at them, right, and I'm just joking, but nah, I'm really not but but like, maybe my lady might get two pieces of grace, or three people Like you got to know everybody's not in the exact same category. Right, you know you're going to give somebody else more grace than the other, but then again, it's what you have to know upfront what does that look like for you? I think that prevents you running into. You're always. You can always bump into different scenarios, but I think that's a great point, that it's not just relationships that go, you know, intimate. That goes for siblings, parents, everybody.

Josh Powell:

And if I had a last point I would make is we have to stop making excuses as to why we aren't doing things, because we still understand that there's a flip side to everything A lot of times. Yes, there is truth to the fact that we didn't see it growing up. We come from what we come from, but there's still something that we're blessed with, whether you want to call it an intuition. We now have social media. We have, we have stuff that we can look at, even though we might not know the people, but we can look up motivation, we can look up inspiration, we can look up healthy. We can dive into all of these things, tap in in some way, shape or form to try to figure out how you can grow and how you can develop yourself, first and foremost, which helps you in your relationships and where you want to go and how you want to see them.

Chanel Scott:

Alright. That wraps up our show on healthy communication between a man and a woman. Thank you for tuning in to Relationships Matter, the podcast. We'll see you next time.