Relationships Matter Live

Red Flags: Recognizing and Resolving Toxic Bonds

• Chanel Scott and Josh Powell • Season 1 • Episode 5

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Are you tiptoeing around a sea of toxic relationships, unsure of how to navigate the stormy waters? Don't fret – we're here to help you identify the subtle signs of disrespect that may be flying under your radar. We'll arm you with the tools to engage in healthy communication with your partners, friends, and family, ensuring that you're not just listening, but truly understanding. And if you're entangled in a toxic relationship? We'll guide you through the healing process with care and compassion.

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Opposing experiences, a single woman and a married man, Chanel Scott, and Josh Powell, create a powerful and empathetic team, offering valuable insights and advice on navigating the complexities of romantic relationships and promoting healthier, more fulfilling connections.

Join Chanel and Josh as they unlock the secrets of successful relationships one conversation at a time.


Chanel Scott:

Welcome to Relationships Matter, the podcast. So one of our core principles is healing our relationships. But before we can heal our relationships, we have to identify what needs healing. So today we're going to be talking about toxic relationships signs, types and how to cope with it. So I want to be clinically responsible. So I'm going to read the definition of a toxic relationship.

Chanel Scott:

A toxic relationship refers to a detrimental and unhealthy connection characterized by behaviors that undermine one's well-being, such as emotional manipulation, disrespect, control and lack of support. So, josh, I want to pose this question to the both of us, and I'll let you go first and then I will follow your lead. How do you know when your relationship has become toxic?

Josh Powell:

Well, first, I think it's good to also talk about from the standpoint it's just not your personal relationships. A lot of us have friends who treat us this way.

Josh Powell:

A lot of us have family that treats us this way, and it gets tricky when it's somebody that you feel is supposed to have your back, somebody that tells you they love you, somebody that's around often but they behave in this manner. You know what I mean. And for me, when I think of some of the toxic relationships that I've had in my life, those relationships are when people try to be controlling. The disrespect is at an all-time high and I think a lot of us can recognize the loud disrespect, but we don't understand the subtle.

Chanel Scott:

Talk about it. Talk about the subtle disrespect. We gotta break this topic down.

Josh Powell:

We do and there's a lot that goes into it. So I think small things that people tend to might be forgiving is when you try to express yourself and you don't feel heard, even if a person lets you talk, even if you feel like you're getting it off, but the way that they respond. It can sometimes, in some situations, be loud, but I feel like, in my opinion, that's one of those subtle things.

Josh Powell:

I'm going to let that person talk, say what they do, and I'm still going to do what I'm going to do. So, even though you might feel like, okay, I expressed myself, I got it off my chest, but then that person's behavior still is in line with doing the same thing. That caused you to express the things that you expressed prior to.

Chanel Scott:

But I think so. It's one thing to get it off your chest, but what good does it do if the other person isn't listening? Absolutely. So I think for me, if there's something that I want to communicate, I want to know that I think when a person continues to behave in a certain manner, it's because they haven't been heard. So you may listen to them and give them that space to be able to unload. But if you don't see any adjustment, or if you don't see any change, then you, I can see the behavior continuing.

Chanel Scott:

And that's why I want to point out too because it's okay for two people to have a disagreement it's only when the exchange becomes intense, or then you start getting into that area of being triggered. Right, it becomes intense, then you kind of tapped into something from the past and if it continues, then it can lead into just having like a toxic relationship. And if you have a disagreement with someone and you may have a heated exchange, you can have a disagreement and not be toxic. But I think it's important that both parties listen, listen to understand and not listen to respond. I think you know one of the things I feel like, as long as the other person is talking. That's the most important thing. Even if you're angry, upset, but you're talking, then I can sift through the emotions and I can filter out what it is that you're trying to communicate to me. It becomes a problem when you shut down and you're no longer talking. Then that's when we have a bigger problem.

Josh Powell:

See, a lot of people can't sift through those emotions, though. A lot of times, right when people talk about you know being toxic, they feel like, oh, you're yelling or you're speaking to me in such a manner, but it could be something that you could be extremely passionate about. We're all human. I feel like we take out the human element when we try to control so much of how a person wants to express, but you hit on something key from the standpoint of I can get through that and only focus on the messaging right Versus. For you, it's like I don't want you to shut down. You know what I mean. For me, I want a person to freely speak and express what it is and however they need to express it.

Josh Powell:

My issue is when it starts turning into a. There's no accountability. You want to point the finger. You want to disrespect me in the process or degrade me and do stuff like that, because I feel like a lot of times people name called you know they want to try to hit you below the belt for whatever reason, and it's like I don't been called everything under the sun. You're not finna. Get under my skin.

Chanel Scott:

You know what I'm saying I should because you don't start off name calling. How do you even get to the point where that's okay, Like, what is that even? Like? As I was preparing for this show, I was even thinking about like, how do you get to the point where it's okay to call someone out of their name and be comfortable? And that's probably because there has been a tremendous amount of offense that has not been addressed. And now we've gotten to a space where that person is becoming toxic because their internalizing is not having healthy communication with their partner, friend, whomever, whomever they're having this exchange with, and so now it's boiling over into the communication.

Josh Powell:

This is my opinion, but I'm standing strong on this opinion because for me it's law. Okay when people tell you that they love you. Love is such a strong word, right, and for those who mean it, you're gonna always at least treat a person, you're gonna think about them and treat them with some type of respect, even if you get out of pocket for a second right. You might disrespect somebody, but immediately you'll be willing to apologize or whatever that looks like. But if you really feel like you gotta disrespect me, call me a bum, say I ain't this, say I ain't that, you know.

Chanel Scott:

That hurt me. Just listen to me and say that, but go ahead.

Josh Powell:

Because these are different relationships. You know what I'm saying, and whether it has been the mother of my children or child, whether it has been somebody that used to be one of my partners, you know what I'm saying and now I'm all kinda inward this, or you know, I don't use that language, saying you know, trying to keep it but, or whether it's been family or a woman that I was dealing with.

Chanel Scott:

How do you get to the point where they're calling you these names, though? How does he even look correct to that point?

Josh Powell:

Because I think it's when people wanna control you Wanna control. I think it's when you don't respond the way that they want. I think it's it also has a lot to do with their history and maybe for them they feel like that's a way to get your attention. So there's different things that are involved. Right, when we get to the root of relationship, you gotta start with a person's childhood. That's my opinion. I know there are studies, there's all kind of information that's out there, but some to some people that love looks like that. They grew up watching toxic, so for them that's normal right.

Josh Powell:

Then we get to a point where we're adults and we have relationships. We might have kids, we might whatever it is, and then you might start saying, well, this don't look or feel right, you know, or I don't want somebody talking to me like that. So for those people you don't want somebody talking to you like that, check yourself and watch how you talk to them. It's gotta go both ways, and that's the thing. With a lot of people we're not doing that because we're already hurt and we're claiming that we love a person. We're claiming that this person is our friend, family or, you know, family is not what we could do about. But in your personal relationships we're claiming like I love this person, I'm invested, but the minute that person doesn't move to your beat, you're already ready to disrespect them or do otherwise.

Chanel Scott:

So how do you reconcile that? Because for me, when I think about my relationships and I've had a tremendous amount of failed relationships I don't think I've had one where we can consistently call each other out of our names, like I think for me that's like ex-ex-stage lab, like that's in line with abuse for me. So how do you manage those types of relationships where we're calling each other out of our name? Because that is, that's disrespect, that's on a whole, nother a level, in my opinion.

Josh Powell:

I don't necessarily think it's something in the end.

Chanel Scott:

How do you so in your real life? How do you manage it? Like, what do you do? Do you continue to have relationship with these people? Do you set boundaries? How do you manage it?

Josh Powell:

That's a great question and we'll get back to it after this break. Relationships matter. The podcast we'll leave that short. Relationships matter. I need you to understand.

Chanel Scott:

Relationships matter. Welcome back to Relationships Matter Now. Before we get back into this conversation, guys, don't forget to subscribe to our YouTube channel. Hit subscribe. Follow us on Instagram at relationships matter live Now. Josh, before we went to break, we were talking about toxic communication and how to set boundaries, Because one of the things that I empathize with and maybe because I don't have children, but I don't know what it's like Like I feel sorry for you guys sometimes because you take a good amount of abuse right, and I've seen it before, I've read it before. So, and then, even as a woman, even though I don't have children, I mean I know what it's like to go through heartbreak and to be temperamental and to be emotional, but then also to be mindful and to be respectful. Tell me, how do you manage those type of encounters, when you experience disrespect?

Josh Powell:

That's a great question.

Josh Powell:

First of all, for me personally, that's the reason why I do the work and why I continue to stay on my journey, why I continue to stay in this Bible, why I continue to work out or do whatever that's for my mental, any emotional, spiritual health, because it makes me aware and it helps me understand situations or circumstances or people.

Josh Powell:

It was funny because I had somebody that used to be a partner of mine. You feel like you can combine in these people. You know, you talking to them about life and just a lot of different things. And it's funny because on one end, a person makes you seem or feel like they love you, that there's a respect, but then on the other end, you hear from other people what's being said and even through their actions. You know what I'm saying and for me, I address it. Try to have a conversation, happen once, happen twice, not saying it's the same situation, but I try to address it because it is somebody that I care about. We're trying to figure out what the issue is, but then eventually I'm gonna make a decision that's best for me.

Josh Powell:

And I can love a person from afar and let them be about their business.

Chanel Scott:

Now that's a partner right. Cause only so much disrespect for me that.

Chanel Scott:

I'm going to take from my partner, Cause they ain't really my partner if they disrespecting me, right? You know we have situations where, okay, maybe you hear they may have said something negative about you, maybe you had, you guys had a falling out. Okay, we could talk through it. You know you expressed your opinion. That's one scenario. Now it is not gonna keep happening cause you're not gonna be my partner. But what about these relationships where you have children involved, or maybe past relationships, because you can't just cut them off per se? You know what I'm saying. So you gotta be able to manage it, you gotta be able to set boundaries, because you have to do it for the children. How do you not, how do you not get angry or how do you not cut somebody back when you go through these types of experiences? And I guess I can ask this question because I know a little bit about some of your history. So that's where I'm asking. The question is being derived based on some of my own knowledge of some of the experiences I wanna talk about.

Josh Powell:

On this for.

Chanel Scott:

So how do you manage that? As a man Cause, first of all, you, a man, right you, I mean, it's a certain way you treat a man, you don't talk crazy to a man, you be respectful, and if you don't feel like you could be respectful, then you remove yourself from the situation. So how do you? I mean then you six foot nine too. So that part I struggle with too, like you, my friend. We may have a disagreement, but I know there's a limit, I know there's a stopping point. You understand what I'm saying. So how do you manage that?

Josh Powell:

I think for and it's not just for men, I think, women as well. I feel that us, as people, we receive a lot of disrespect, a majority of the time from our loved ones and people that we have confided in or built relationships with, and they continue to do things over and over again. I think that, personally, there's different things to break down, because for one, at the end of the day, this is the mother of my child, or the mother of my children.

Chanel Scott:

But does that give them an excuse to talk to?

Josh Powell:

the person. It does not. It does not, but I'm sharing with you. I'm removing their power because I'm the person with the power.

Chanel Scott:

Absolutely Okay.

Josh Powell:

So I want to make sure that we understand that you know, talking to the men that might be dealing with stuff, or even women if you have children, that's a complicated situation.

Josh Powell:

Understand where your power is and I'm not going to allow any one of those women to have that power right. What I mean by that is you can talk and say all that you want, but remember we laid it up together, we had a relationship prior to right and, with that in mind, we now share a child or we now share children. So therefore, for me, no matter what I could personally feel about one of the moms, no matter what experiences I've had, there will be some respect there because we share a child or children, and that is where I try to keep it, because we're always going to be tethered Like this is what it is for the rest of our lives. This is a family, even though it is a broken one and kind of. You know what I mean to a degree, but this is still a family, right, and these children need to see. They need to see healthy See.

Chanel Scott:

I got to interrupt you because you know you give people a pass because you have children. I just think that's so unfair and I don't think it's fair to you.

Josh Powell:

Okay, so what do you advise? I do Curse them out.

Chanel Scott:

No, I don't want you to do that, but I just think.

Josh Powell:

Stand up on mine and tell them about themselves.

Chanel Scott:

No, I think that is very important because you set healthy boundaries for yourself, because you know why you matter. Regardless of what happened in the relationship, you matter. You have feelings too. You hurt too. It's not fair for you to be able to experience that hurts. That's not, it's not right. And then the next day you got to go and talk to these people. That's not fair.

Josh Powell:

So you know what I do and I keep it at the forefront is focus on my children.

Chanel Scott:

Right.

Josh Powell:

And that would be my advice to anybody, because that removes anything personal, right? Yeah, I have a history that I could speak on from each situation. I could run receipts, I could do the whole show, but it's not gonna change, it's not gonna do anything. So I try to just solely focus on the kids, because you can't say that you really love your children if you're willing to do X, y and Z in regards to the mom. That's my personal. You know what I mean. I don't claim to be the best. Let me put this disclaimer because I'm gonna beat them to the punch and other people that's gonna see this and you wanna comment. I don't claim to be the best partner. I don't claim to be the best father.

Chanel Scott:

So then in their defense, cause I'm a woman too, I think it's important, cause I just think about myself If I ever get that angry, it's because I'm not being heard. So I think a lot of us, when we get belligerent or we act out, is because either we don't feel like we're being heard or we're being understood, or you're acknowledging how we feel. You know like you might gloss over and say, well, we're gonna focus on the kids, but you can't. It's hard to do that when you have all of this anger built up on the inside of you.

Josh Powell:

Okay, so my thing would be this right, I'm not dealing with these people In one situation. It's a long time what you mad for? Well, because they never.

Chanel Scott:

Right, cause I could start asking all these questions.

Josh Powell:

So my thing would be to your point, if we're gonna address it, if she's gonna say that she hasn't been heard, what you mad for there's been a significant amount of time right. There's also been other factors that have come into place where I've helped out. I've reintroduced you know what I'm saying, that you were somebody that was living in my house, like there's a lot of things that were going on that I've helped to, you know, make the best situation in regards to your relationship with your child or whatever that is. I don't speak ill of none of these moms. Now, when you speak facts, somebody might say, well, you talking bad. But that's not true, cause the other thing that's in my and I didn't mean to cut you off, but the other thing I do wanna say real quick is a lot of things that are brought to my attention are coming from the other side. So that source.

Josh Powell:

So what you've done is you've involved these children in adult matters. Now that puts me in a position where either I gotta a discuss it right. Typically what a lot of dads do is we leave it alone. But then it comes to a certain point of time, as these kids continue to grow and get older, you gotta address it right, because if I'm raising my kids to break these patterns and to stop these cycles, y'all gotta know facts, even if that makes me look crazy to y'all. I would rather you know the truth versus to live on a lie and to continuously treat me or other people based off of that lie.

Chanel Scott:

I think that's the issue of healing, but we'll continue this conversation when we come back. So, before we went to break, I was talking with my partner here, josh, just about how he set boundaries in some of his relationships with your children's mothers, and one of the things that I wanna add as a woman, because you say well, they moved on, and I'm saying that healing has not taken place, which is why these experiences keep repeating themselves. Even if they move forward and date other people, they have not moved on in their emotion, which is why you will continue to experience those things until that healing takes place. But then we were also talking about myself and you said you wanted to ask me a question, so ask your question.

Josh Powell:

I mean, I just wanna know for you there's been a relationship or a situation in your life and again, I know that a majority of this is personal, but I feel like family and friends. Those things have a great deal to do with our upbringing a great deal to do with how we view relationships moving forward. It's just extremely detrimental and just wanted to see if you can dig into your experiences and speak to that.

Chanel Scott:

So I date differently. I don't do the casual dating thing and I definitely don't settle, but I could think of an experience where I would even venture out to say that I was a toxic one. Oh, wow, okay, I was attracted to someone and because things didn't go in the way that I wanted them to go then and we had a friendship as well, so it wasn't like a situation where it was just some random person. This is someone who I had a friendship with I would continue to. I didn't understand why not me. So, because I didn't understand why not me and why maybe the next person, I would continue to. I would pick arguments, and that's toxic because whatever my issue was in that moment wasn't the real issue, it was more of a wedge issue. So, whereas you might make a situation, you might make it out to be something, in that moment it was really my inability to be able to have the type of relationship that I wanted, you know, which, in turn, eventually ruined the friendship.

Josh Powell:

You know how big that is for a person, because a lot of times you know we sit up there and say like about the other person or whatever in the situation. But for you to start off and say like it was me.

Josh Powell:

Oh, absolutely, you know how many people don't want to admit to the fact that you could potentially be the problem? All of us. You know what I'm saying. Like no, nobody's exempt from any of that. You know what I mean and for me, like the other way that that I look at it as well Is like, even if you're a person that you don't want to agree, also be the person that never takes away from somebody's experience. Right. So, being strategic in how you respond, because if a person expresses like something that you've done to them or way that you've treated them, even if you don't agree, just say hey, I want to make sure that I'm acknowledging how you feel and I'm sorry.

Chanel Scott:

I.

Josh Powell:

Apologize that you know. That is your experience with me. You know what I mean. That is a part to help to war something healthy.

Chanel Scott:

I didn't have that and I think that's why I couldn't move forward, because I didn't have that and a part of I think there were a number of reasons why I probably didn't have that. One of the reasons was because my pride I just Couldn't articulate what I was really feeling on the inside.

Josh Powell:

What's that pride? Talk about their pride.

Chanel Scott:

No, because it's like you know. You don't never want to tell Amanda I don't. You know why you didn't choose me, why you like her, why you don't like me, right, and so you don't want to feel rejected, you don't want to be, you know, you don't want to put yourself out there.

Josh Powell:

So I had to deal with that but then what is wrong with putting yourself out there?

Chanel Scott:

Because you don't look stupid you don't want to look?

Josh Powell:

I'm about to put my. What a camera right there. Oh, all right, my name is Josh I. I fail at life every day. I have many failed relationships, friendships, many businesses, the whole list of things that goes on. I've been cut from teams. I've been fired. I've been, I've had my back. You know people turn their back on me. There's been a lot of things, the situations that I haven't handled correctly. I've cursed people out, people that I love. I've Mismanaged situations in regards to my children. I've mismanaged situations in regards to relationships. You could even say I've cheated.

Chanel Scott:

I've done a whole list of things and you still got a tremendous amount of people that actually still love you.

Josh Powell:

Maybe, but you know, the most important thing is I'm gonna keep it right here Is I love myself and I have forgiven myself and therefore that is my power. That is for me to do, because I never claim to be perfect. I'm living life and I'm trying to figure out this thing every day, at 40 years old, as I continue have a guy, whatever, what, whatever more God gives me, but I Hold the keys. See, none of you women, none of you brothers, no job. I don't care, none about the league or anything else that doesn't speak for me. Only to. Only the creator Speaks for me and speaks on behalf of, of my existence and what I've done or haven't done. So there you go.

Chanel Scott:

Okay, so I have to say this. Because I have to say this? Because, like, when you say cuz, like what's important to you May not be the area of struggle in my life, and vice versa, right?

Chanel Scott:

And one of the things that I do struggle with I will be transparent about is, like, in terms of business, any other relationship, even if, like you, fall down in your luck, like for those people who know me personally, like I'm only two years removed from poverty, like no lie. So people look at my lifestyle now they don't realize two years ago you know I was going through it right and I feel like I was judged for, but that's another issue. But the thing that I want to share is that relationships is my area struggle, which is why I invest so much into these types of platforms, because this is the only relationship that you cannot spend money to change. Like you could try to buy somebody's love, but who wants that? Like I want someone who wants to be with me because they want, they want to be with me now. In terms of business Relationships, you have a couple dollars. You can make it happen, but in romantic relationships, you cannot control the other person and that is hard for a lot of us women.

Chanel Scott:

Some of us we do try to buy our way into relationships. It does. I mean, I've been there like we're gonna talk about this on another show. Y'all may want to cut that, but it is very difficult, like the frustration I go through daily, frustration because I'm not able to attain or not able to be in the type of relationship that I want to be in. Meanwhile, you watch everybody else they in their relationships, marriages and all those different things and I got all this damn money and still can't be in a relationship. It's my I'm boggling to me. That is why you see so much dysfunction and toxicity, because that's the one area of our lives that we cannot control, period, unless you are manipulative, you know. And then, even in those situations, it doesn't last. Even when you spend money and try to buy people's affection, it don't last. And why would you want that? Anyway?

Chanel Scott:

I think, I'm just saying like, when you think about, it's like gosh, nothing I do Can change the situation like so for someone like me, I have spent years Doing the work years. I ain't talking about like one year, I'm talking about Years. We almost in double digit years because I've been single for a long time.

Josh Powell:

Can I say this?

Chanel Scott:

Yes.

Josh Powell:

But that means there's something that you did do.

Chanel Scott:

No, absolutely, because I'm here sitting with you. So but I'm saying I'm still have not like. I've built businesses, I've built a multi-million dollar business and I still don't have the relationship that I want.

Josh Powell:

But again you do I.

Chanel Scott:

Mean I have the relationship with, like what you say, the creator of my relationship with God. But I mean I was the most important that is secondly, what's what's who's after that? God, then who is after that? My family?

Josh Powell:

No, who yourself?

Chanel Scott:

myself. Okay, yeah, but I've been with myself for a long time.

Josh Powell:

Sometimes we got to go through that process and that journey is easy for you to say. It's not easy for me to say as the man with beautiful babies.

Chanel Scott:

You know like I'm but.

Josh Powell:

but if I could have it another way, it wouldn't be with Four different women, okay. That's fair and that's no shade to the mothers, I'm just saying for anybody that's listening I have a responsibility, like if you plan on having children, make sure you you have children with the right person and and make sure that you're having the correct conversations. Point blank period, and then after that we will talk more about toxic Relationships when we come back. Relationships matter. The podcast.

Chanel Scott:

Welcome back to relationships matter, the podcast. So before we went to break, josh, we were talking about the most important relationship which we know is with God, and then you said the second most important relationship Is the relationship that you have with yourself, absolutely. Now I got it. I got to give you and that's true, okay, but you talking to a 49 year old woman, okay, who's never been married? Okay, who doesn't have children? Okay, right, and I desire to be in healthy relationship. That would a road when I was maybe 30, because people have been saying that all of my adult life and we know this, but we still want to be in a romantic relationship. Like you can't, I don't, I don't want to minimize that Cause. That's what make women go and do crazy stuff or act out because they're not being acknowledged or they're desired.

Josh Powell:

I'm glad you said that, so I don't want to minimize it either.

Chanel Scott:

Okay.

Josh Powell:

The reason why I'm cutting in.

Chanel Scott:

Yeah, and for somebody who who has had those experiences, whether they be negative or positive, you have, you've, you've been married, you are married and you have children.

Josh Powell:

Okay.

Chanel Scott:

So it's like, it's hard to like. I can't. It's hard to receive that from you.

Josh Powell:

Shouldn't be Okay, and you know why it's. If a, if a, if a drug addict told you not to try something, would you say well, you know what? That's your experience, or do I need to try that?

Chanel Scott:

Well, you, your, your, your answer was based on having a relationship with myself.

Josh Powell:

My answer is also based on trauma that I had as a child, watching negative relationships, growing up, being put in situations and having experiences that I shouldn't have experienced as a teenager being viewed as somebody who's the athlete, and only having people that want to be in your life because of what you do and not who you are. So this goes deep. Regardless of my experiences or not, I don't say I envy you, but what I will say is I salute you in a major way, because I feel that more men and women should take the time to get to know themselves, understand what they want, how they want it to be, and not settle.

Josh Powell:

Not that not half of their lives, though, like not half, but I'd say what you're saying, right, but there's somebody who's a mother or a father to somebody who's passed down trauma and other toxicities, that what if they would have took the time to get therapy or do the work or work on themselves or whatever that looks like?

Chanel Scott:

When you say that that makes so. Now we got to the like, to the core of what you were trying to say, Cause now you're saying, Chanel, it would be better to be single rather than have those experiences.

Josh Powell:

Listen, I just talked to a partner of mine yesterday, right, just met this gentleman not too long ago. But we cool, and we were talking about, you know, having children and just different things like that, and he was just saying how you know he had he waited until he was 30 plus to have children. I said, bro, I salute you, I wish that that would have been something. Not not to take away anything, right, but I said I wish that would have been something. I don't have any regrets, but if I could do a redo, definitely would take time on on having kids at a later time of day. He said, well, look, bro, I don't go. You know, just because I waited doesn't mean I don't go through the same thing.

Josh Powell:

I said but you're dealing with it as a 30 plus year old man versus a 20 something year old man. You're way more seasoned, way more mature. You have a lot of different experiences. The way you're going to handle the situation is different. The way that you're going to parent is different. There's a lot of things that come into those decisions that people don't think about, because we'll sit up here and say, right, we want this thing until we get it, and then it's like oh, that was it right, you spoke earlier.

Chanel Scott:

That's something that I'm, that's something that's scary to me.

Josh Powell:

Okay.

Chanel Scott:

What you just said is that you go through all of this, you do all this work to be in a relationship. Then you get the relationship you like. Wow, this is not what I thought it was going to be, or this is highly overrated.

Josh Powell:

Like but I don't, but I don't, but I don't think when you find the right person and again, people's self, work is everything you should be happy on your own, peaceful on your own, all of these different things. But when you combine right people that come from two different past experiences, two different foundations, families, all of that, and you're coming together. So if you get with a person where communication is key, respect is key, morals, principles and values are key, where you literally are actually loving a person right From a full cup versus a half or an empty cup, that's a different level. So when you're at home, say, for example, the smallest thing, like being at home and just watching TV, some people look at that as boring. There are some people that can't sit down for two seconds because they always got to be on the go, always got to be doing something.

Josh Powell:

But when you can be in the, you know, in the comfort of your home, with somebody that you really love and admire and respect and you're dealing with and you can have this moment where y'all can peacefully watch TV and there's no beef, y'all can hold hands, you know what I'm saying. Or y'all could just whatever and just be yourselves when a person allows you to be who you are. You have found your person. Many of us aren't in that space. We don't have that because we're always putting on, we have the mask and we're covered because that person will never see us. How many relationships you've been in where you can't be fully honest with somebody?

Chanel Scott:

I don't know about fully honest, but that's my point. But they need not be in myself, but that's my point.

Josh Powell:

Being yourself, being honest. All of those things are the things that I'm speaking to. If you can't do that with somebody that you're in a relationship with, you can see this person naked, you can sleep with them, you can do all these other things, but you can't tell them the truth.

Chanel Scott:

Right.

Josh Powell:

You got a problem.

Chanel Scott:

I understand that, so talk to me about the dangers of toxic relationships and mental health.

Josh Powell:

Definitely go hand in hand. I know with me and I would like to start again from my childhood, because there's a lot of things that I learned about myself which translated into my relationships and how I conducted myself in personal relationships or relationships with friends, whether it be a male friend or a female friend or whatever. All of those things stem from things that happened during my childhood. So I know that there are so many things that I unpacked by understanding the traumas that I experienced and the lens that I grew into. Right, because I'm viewing everything based on that lens. But at the same time, that wasn't my only lens too, because I know that there have been comments, people that say, oh, you love from a what is not a I can't remember the correct term but it's like you coming from a place of survival, basically You're loving on it and I'm like there is survival, right. There's a level of that, but there's also a level of just understanding. There's a level of me working through things on my own and being able to see it for myself, because it didn't just stop there. Most people do often love from that cup because they protect themselves, they put the wall up, they know how to function, and then that's cool and that's comfortable for them.

Josh Powell:

For me, I didn't want that. I didn't want any parts of that. So that's why I've always been trying to figure out and learn more and do the work right. What I did in therapy when I was younger versus now to totally different experiences. But it's because I want to be better. I want to be a better example for my kids. I want to be a better husband. I want to be a better friend. I want to be a better family member. You know what I mean, even though there's a lot of relationships within my family that are stranded. They may not be the best, but for me I stay clear because I understand that those people I need to love from afar, because of the situations and the circumstances when I was younger, I would entertain that I'm not in that place, no more. So it ain't personal. I still love you, I just don't want to be around you.

Chanel Scott:

You know, I had to come to the realization in terms of toxic relationships and mental health because for years, you know, or even in I would say for years, I would say the last. So I have to go back. So when I was younger, right, my relationship didn't work because I just over saved my welcome, you know, trying to develop relationship with someone who had no interest in wanting to develop healthy relationship. But then, when I moved to Atlanta, I had men who was judging me based on what I had and what I didn't have, and that created a complex.

Josh Powell:

But it's, but it's in relation to to now, because you're correlating it to now and basically from the standpoint of, like, you fixed that issue and it still didn't solve this.

Chanel Scott:

It definitely didn't resolve.

Josh Powell:

So that's what I'm saying.

Chanel Scott:

The aha moment is that it's so weird because there was a video on social media that went viral and I had a baseball cap and whenever and this video clip had something to do with removing sex out of the equation, and whenever I speak about taking sex out of the equation, the men attack me, and so they were like she's, oh, she's this, she's that.

Chanel Scott:

You know she's not attractive. Whatever the case may be, I'm like y'all reaching, but nonetheless, toxic relationships and mental health. I just wanted to kind of articulate how, like certain scenarios and situations that I've had experience in my own dating life has in some way impacted my mental health in a negative way, and that is because for the first time in my life, at the moving to Atlanta, I experienced certain situations where I felt like I was being judged for what I had or did not have. It didn't necessarily have anything to do with physical beauty, but you know, she doesn't have this or she doesn't have that, and the reason I say that is because in this season I feel like men see me differently, like they see me.

Chanel Scott:

I felt like maybe a few years ago they didn't necessarily see me and so because of that, I struggled with that. That's a struggle for me because it's so funny how God works when this clip where I was talking about removing sex like when men want to date multiple women and I've gotten to a point where at first I was totally against this whole multiple dating thing, but I said, if I do that, then I'm going to have a longer shelf value and I'm not going to be able to, you know, have friends or spend time with anyone of the opposite sex. So I said, okay, I'll entertain this idea of friendship, but we're going to take the sex out of the equation. And so whenever I talk about taking sex out of the equation and just being friends for those who want to date multiple people, you can't date me and date somebody else. That's just not something I'm ever going to go for.

Chanel Scott:

They attacked my physical appearance, right. And so that same weekend I had to do an expo and when I tell you, so many people walked up to me and they just like you're so beautiful, you're so beautiful, but then that doesn't translate into my personal life, right? So then the struggle becomes like what is it Do you have to do in order to garner the attention of mainly someone of interest? Because I don't want the attention from everybody. I want the attention from the person that I want the attention from, and not anyone. But what is it that you do in order to garner the attention from a man that you have interest in? Okay, so if you, you fix this and you fix this, then what is it that you do?

Josh Powell:

But you but. But don't you fix them for the wrong reasons. If Chanel wants to work on Chanel for her personal, then you do that and then from that, then you'll attract what you need to attract. I went through right Dating phase after the first divorce and a lot of people love the idea of an athlete, whether I currently play or retired. They see how, they saw how I was with my kids, like just from things I post or whatever. Or you know somebody's in Atlanta and they see me moving around my kids. Oh, he's a great dad. So now I'm attractive to you because I'm a great dad. That ain't got nothing to do with me, right, and the more you talk to people, right, and the more you understand who, what, when, where, then you can weed out through all of the BS and for me I was fine with that.

Chanel Scott:

I gotta stop you right there. I always wonder if you knew that.

Josh Powell:

Knew what.

Chanel Scott:

Knew that people were attracted Like because of like you thought I was stupid.

Josh Powell:

You be acting no, cause you act green, I'm gonna agree intentionally.

Chanel Scott:

You act cause Josh? You act like Josh dude. He has a way of just acting like he's unaware, but he really pays attention to everything.

Josh Powell:

Because that's how he's supposed to be.

Chanel Scott:

Okay.

Josh Powell:

You can't, you can't, you can't give all Chanel, but at the end of the day, like yo, let me. Let me say this, and it ain't even a dating thing Family, friends, business, everything all stems from relationship. If it is for me, that is what I want. If it does not serve me, please get it. It's that simple For my family. I love you. It ain't personal.

Josh Powell:

But if you, if you're not serving where I'm going, I'm cool on that. Same thing with with friends. If we not going in the same direction, I'm cool on that. I'm not spending no more time entertaining, being cool. We going out, we doing this, we doing that.

Josh Powell:

If I'm boring to you, cool, I'm not your cup of tea, I just want you to own that, not even for you, for any man or any woman that's in a position. Own that Because that's beautiful. We don't talk about that enough. That's why I was saying for me, I salute you, because I don't think that there's many times where there are people who are not willing to just rush and just go for it, just because we have way too many people that's doing that. I can put addresses on it, I can. I can put all kinds of business out there, but this ain't, this ain't for that, right, right.

Josh Powell:

This is to say that we got two people come from two different perspectives and we have two different experiences and it's beautiful, right, yeah, I'm in a relationship now what I thought I'd been in a relationship after all the BS I went through and be at this point now, no, right, but we have somebody else. That your journey is just as beautiful, you know why? Because you, like man, I'm working on me, I'm not settling and I'm cool with that, even though I'm not cool with that, but I rather not settle than being some BS, right, right, it don't matter the money that you had, it don't matter the money that you didn't have, it don't matter none of that. What your understanding is, these men are just on BS, not all, but just the ones that you've bumped into. Right, if they can't appreciate you for you, then it's cool, big dog, go on that way. I'm good on that.

Chanel Scott:

Right.

Josh Powell:

And that's anybody. I want all women and men to understand that man, you got to get with people and put yourself in situations that serve. If it ain't doing that, if it ain't leveling you up, if it ain't making you grow, if it ain't challenging you for the better, don't do it Period.

Chanel Scott:

All right. So the other thing that I wanted to ask, just for the people who are watching how do you leave a toxic relationship? Like, how do you, because now we're moving into the area of trauma bonding, so how do you leave a toxic relationship? What are your thoughts on that?

Josh Powell:

And that's a whole show. But a quick thought on it is when you love yourself and you're putting yourself above all under God, then you're not willing to be in situations that you know for a fact aren't beneficial to you. So that doesn't mean like when somebody does something like, I'm out, like no. Relationships don't work that way. But you can give this situation three, four chances. This other situation might just be one, I don't know. It depends on the person, it depends on what's happening transpired. You have to make that decision. For me personally, I'm very understanding, I'm very gracious, all of that. But if I really feel, like you, not matching where it is that I see myself where I'm going, if our ideas aren't in line, ain't but so much I can do, I can slowly remove myself from the situation and be cool with that. It's not personal. People get upset and be like, oh, you're not supposed to go, she's not supposed to do this. You know why you not, why you not If you, if you willing to make me know it ain't toxic when you go.

Josh Powell:

There are some people that don't deserve a final conversation, a response to a text. There are some people, man, that you just got to be like look, I wish you well, I'm good, don't call me no more, don't text me. People will say you, you ghosted though, ok, right. So that's why I'm putting the clarity on that, because if you feel like I got an exit stage left abruptly, then you got to do that by all means. It ain't personal, man. Put yourself first. You love yourself enough. You put yourself first.

Chanel Scott:

So OK, so with this whole conversation about toxic relationships like we've talked about the types of toxic relationships, characteristics of toxic relationships what does it look like for a person? I want to talk about what it looks like for a person to take accountability and I think I touched on that earlier. But for you, have you ever been in a situation where you recognize that I'm the toxic one and then you took accountability for that?

Josh Powell:

So me personally. I won't say that I'm the toxic one, but I will say that I take accountability.

Chanel Scott:

You know I've been a toxic one in the relationship.

Josh Powell:

I ain't gonna say toxic, that's a heavy, that's a heavy, that's a heavy one. I'm not willing to take that. But I definitely own mine. If I lack communication, if I shut down at certain times, I'll own that. But to be like toxic, where I'm just out here trying to sabotage a relationship or being totally disrespectful or degrading and all of that stuff, I'm not on that type of time. That's not in my spirit. Everybody's not toxic. You know what I'm saying. I'm not going to say everybody, I think everybody has a toxic trait.

Chanel Scott:

It just you have to be on point.

Josh Powell:

That might be fair. I don't know what it is For me personally. I don't feel that I have a toxic trait. I feel like there might be some things about me that people definitely ain't feeling. You know what I mean, and that's fair. I don't feel everybody has a toxic trait. I don't feel everybody's toxic. I feel like that some people just aren't for some people and they're trying to force a situation that they have no business doing. You know what I'm saying. My spirit right For me to go out of my way, to disrespect you or try to be manipulative or do all of these things. I'm not on that. You know what I'm saying Because I feel like for a majority of my life I've been very clear Now I might have done some sneakiness. I might have done some. You know those types of things.

Chanel Scott:

I'm saying it.

Josh Powell:

But I don't feel like I'm on that type of time. That's just me, okay.

Chanel Scott:

All right, guys. Well, that's our show on toxic relationships, and we'll see you next time.