Relationships Matter Live

Terri J. Vaughn and Karon Riley: The Art of Having it All

• Chanel Scott and Josh Powell

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Have you ever encountered love in the most unexpected places, only to find it blossoming into something extraordinary? That's precisely what Terri J. Vaughn and Karon Riley did, weaving their initial encounter through shared interests and creative pursuits into a union of heartfelt depth. Today, we're fortunate to have them share their story with us, offering a glimpse into how authenticity and shared joy can forge a connection and a lifelong partnership.

If you're curious about how to maintain your individuality while building a life together, or how to support your partner's dreams without losing sight of your own, Terri and Karon's insights are as enlightening as they are pragmatic. They've navigated the intricacies of juggling family, personal growth, and careers over their marriage, and they're here to tell us how they've mastered the art of presence and support. Their relationship stands as a testament to the power of growth and the conscious choice to journey together, and they're not shy about sharing the challenges they've faced along the way.

Wrapping up, we delve into the crucial importance of self-work and creativity, the cornerstones of any vibrant relationship. Whether it's tackling tough times with resilience or celebrating each other's uniqueness, Terri and Karon remind us that life's events are opportunities for growth and prove that the right partnership can help us navigate them with grace. Listen as they unfold their journey, where challenges are reframed as chances to grow, and creativity is as much a lifeline as it is a love language.



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Opposing experiences, a single woman and a married man, Chanel Scott, and Josh Powell, create a powerful and empathetic team, offering valuable insights and advice on navigating the complexities of romantic relationships and promoting healthier, more fulfilling connections.

Join Chanel and Josh as they unlock the secrets of successful relationships one conversation at a time.


Speaker 1:

I'm Chanel Scott, the queen of relationship talk.

Speaker 2:

I'm Josh Powell, two-time NBA champion.

Speaker 1:

I've journeyed from trauma to healing.

Speaker 2:

From the NBA to family, I've learned what really matters.

Speaker 1:

We've come together to unlock the secrets of successful relationships.

Speaker 2:

One conversation at a time.

Speaker 1:

One conversation at a time. Welcome to Relationships Meta, the podcast. My name is Chanel Scott.

Speaker 2:

And I am Josh Powell.

Speaker 1:

We have some amazing guests with us today. We have husband and wife, wife Terry J Bond and Karan Raleigh. Welcome to our podcast. We're so excited to have you guys. So you know we talk about relationships, right, and relationships really do matter. But what I want to start with, I want to know how did you guys meet? Talk to me about how you guys met.

Speaker 3:

How do we meet?

Speaker 4:

We met during a play. She was in the play. I was working in the play with one of the performers, tank. He was a good friend. He was on my brother's label so I was assigned to him to work with him on the play. Of course I was aspiring to go into acting, so it was a two-fold thing is to kind of see the ins and outs of the business and also earn a little money as I was transitioning from football into acting. And that's where I met her at.

Speaker 3:

Okay, I was just trying to see if he was going to Soft points. But that was basically what happened. Yes, I was.

Speaker 2:

What would the sauce look like, though, if he did that? It comes later, josh. Oh my goodness, you'll get a taste? I'm sure he can't help himself.

Speaker 1:

Okay, but what was it about her that made you like zone in on Terry?

Speaker 4:

I didn't zone in, it was more of a like Initially, off top you could tell she's a very light spirit, she can't take herself or life just too serious, which is appealing to me because I'm the same way in that aspect. So off top I knew she liked to have fun, which is key to me. You ain't trying to have fun and we can't do nothing, no way. And then it was like she should tell you it was never Initially, it was just hey, nice to meet you, you know.

Speaker 3:

That is true. So initially there was nothing Probably Well I don't know about for him, for me it was nothing I saw.

Speaker 4:

She was beautiful. Obviously it was like, yo, yes, damn, she looks even better than she does on TV, blah, blah, blah. That thought hit you immediately as well. But again it wasn't nothing like oh man, I got to get that and I wasn't none of that. It was just like, okay, she's gonna be some cool folks and the Hangout we can kick is cool. All right, yeah.

Speaker 3:

That's true, I am some cool folks.

Speaker 4:

No for me.

Speaker 3:

Honestly, I was going to Going through a divorce, it's going through a separation. So I had no, that just wasn't on my radar. I was just happy to be doing the play, touring, making money, doing something that I love, and a distraction from what was going on in my personal life. So definitely there was. You know, in first meeting there was just I'm just meeting all the folks on the show and as the show progressed and we went on tour and all of us are hanging out at the end of the shows every night, laughing, having fun, hanging out, and then somewhere in there it was like oh, he's kind of cute. I never tripped off of that. And then I think that came more through just conversations like us hanging out at night and just talking, talking about everything books we've read, movies we love, just upbringing stuff, just getting to know each other, with no other intention.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, nothing on it.

Speaker 3:

Nothing on it. And then I think somewhere in there it just kind of like start clicking for both of us like oh we're vibing Like what's happening when she told me she read a certain book.

Speaker 4:

I was like uh, okay, okay, okay, I'll see where you're coming from. All right, all right. What was that book? It was the Alchemist. Yes, which was the book.

Speaker 3:

I love that book. Yeah, me too.

Speaker 4:

That's kind of like a barat, like a, that's like a compass book for me. You know what I'm saying. So when I asked her you ever read the Alchemist? She's like yeah, that's one of my favorite books. And I said oh shit, she reads. She reads and she reads the kind of stuff I read. So I'm like, okay, and that was kind of for me. That was the first spark of you know what I'm saying. So that was for me and I think you know that was.

Speaker 3:

that was because you were dating girls that didn't read, so that made me stand down. I mean, I don't know, I'm just well.

Speaker 4:

they read, you know of course, when I got to the book question when most of them they failed their question, so they didn't last long. That you know what I'm saying.

Speaker 1:

It was all about, I need it.

Speaker 4:

I need that intellect in you before we can go any further than you know tonight.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, that's dope. I had a quick question for you. That's just kind of going backwards real quick. What does the healing process look like? Because I know you spoke about ending one situation and then kind of being in this space, but what did your healing journey look like?

Speaker 3:

For me it was a lot. It was, for one thing, being out working doing something that I love. That was a part of it. I'm a huge journaler and I was more back then. I journaled all the time. That was very, you know, much a part of my healing process. And, yeah, I think I was very open, vulnerable. I have really good friends that I talked to about what I was going through. I think I just have to express it, and I express it through my art. So thank God for the play at that time because I was putting it all in that and I was putting it in my on my sheets at night like writing.

Speaker 1:

I think there's something so significant about the way the two of you met, because I talk on my other show about relationships in terms of how you connect with the right person, right, and I personally don't believe in the whole, I don't do not even it's not necessarily even a the issue of belief. I just don't casually date right. And so when I talk about how to connect with the right person, I think it's important that both of you were in purpose, doing something that you love. You wasn't looking for anyone. You wasn't looking for anyone, but then you connected and you got to know each other without any of the pressures and the stressors, and you found out things about her that you typically wouldn't find out. When you just see an attractive woman, it's like, oh okay, that person, and then you kind of approached them a little different. But in this particular instance, you guys got to know things about each other without any pressures or any strings, and then you found something in common and you connected. You already on the play, but then you found even more and then you got to know each other that way.

Speaker 1:

I think that's how people are supposed to connect If you tap into purpose first and find those commonalities and then we can, because the whole point of two people coming together is to do something that's larger than the both of you. It's not even about the romantic connection. That's the bonus. It's really about kingdom building, right? What has God called us to do together? What is our God given assignment? And then all the other extra stuff is great. So I think that that's the first time I've ever heard a couple express like this is how we met. We were doing this, and then I noticed something in the process of me doing what I love. I wasn't looking for a man, I was going through this, but then I connected with someone who I had things in common with. I think that's amazing. I think people need to hear more of that.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, I think a lot of times we and I'll just speak for women we have like a list of things of what we want, what we don't want, how I'm gonna be in a relationship, how I want my person to be in the relationship, and when we stick so hard to those solid do's and don'ts, I think that we miss out a lot. I think you have to be fluid. I think you have to because literally at that time, even when we did notice that there was something happening, I was very clear I did not wanna get married. I was like I don't wanna get married again. I am so open to being in a relationship forever with someone. I'm open. I definitely wanna have more kids, but I absolutely do not want to get married again.

Speaker 3:

And it was strictly for the whole legal process of what marriage is. And I got a rude awakening of that when I decided I wanna get a divorce. I was like then, all of a sudden, it's like the judge is involved, there's lawyers involved. I'm like these people don't even know us. Why is this a part of now? I wanna quit you or you wanna quit me?

Speaker 3:

It's like it just shouldn't be. It was so easy for us to get married, but it's so difficult to get divorced. So I was like I don't need to do that again, I just wanna follow my heart. I don't need no legal nothing. But obviously that changed during the process of our relationship. But that was my thinking and I think you just gotta be fluid, you gotta trust, you gotta say yes, you gotta be courageous, you gotta take a chance.

Speaker 1:

How important is that foundation Cause no relationship is perfect, right, and so, when you're having differences, how important is the commonalities or the way you connected, or the things that you had? How important, how big of a role does that play in just sustaining healthy relationship, even when you're like I ain't feeling you today, but then you have all these other things that you have in common in terms of friendship and things that you like I think it's really important.

Speaker 4:

But for me it's always about the tally sheet. I mean, is it over here, the stuff that we may not feel completely happy with the other person about, versus what I am happy about this person about? Like as long as the list of happy outweighs the list of unhappy, for me it's always a win. I'm always I break down what's the score here. I'm saying like we got way more dope stuff going than we do anything bad. And even as you grow you end up starting to actually enjoy and what you don't like becomes the stuff that really keeps you holding on. Really, it becomes endearing to me.

Speaker 4:

For me, like the stuff that 15 years ago that might've got all my nerves about her. It's like it makes me laugh. Now it's what lets me know it's her. It lets me know that's my wife, that's who. I love those imperfections. You know what I'm saying. What she's great at is what she's great at, who she is. That's easy. But the stuff that's taught me more about myself is the things that now I lean on to saying man, we're not having no other way. You know what I'm saying, like that's what keeps it good for me, is that part?

Speaker 2:

Was there anything like a part of the journey and the process? Were there any stereotypes? Because I know you both being in the industry, right, and you being an athlete and just those different things. Like, was there anything that either one of y'all were kind of like you put somebody in a box, right, because where I'm coming from is I know us as athletes. A lot of times we get a bad rap Like you know, are you dating this, that and the third. So I just wanted to know, like was there any stereotypes that you-.

Speaker 3:

I had no desire to date a professional athlete because of the reputation of professional athletes.

Speaker 2:

What's the?

Speaker 3:

reputation, womenizers, partyers, you know, woman after woman not gonna commit yeah. And I was like I'm too grown, I don't need any of that, I don't want any of that and I don't choose that. And so that was definitely a thing for me. And you know, I got wind of some of the females that he did date prior than me and I'm like none of them are like me. Like, are those the kind of girls he liked? Because that's not me. And I think that the comfort came in knowing that he was waking up every day choosing me and I had to get past my own insecurities and all that stuff and saying, yeah, he's dated those women, but he's here choosing me and he was very consistent and on all the things that he said he was and I'm not saying that everything was perfect and nothing like that but I can boldly say that he definitely chose me every day since we've been together.

Speaker 2:

Because I was going to ask what separates. You know what I mean, and then choosing is definitely important. So I guess safety Very important Right. Making you feel safe yes, stuff like that. So is there anything that you had, maybe?

Speaker 1:

Before you answer that question, I want you to talk about your athletic career, because we didn't really get into it and there may be viewers who don't know, so All right, so I'll answer the question that we are on right now.

Speaker 4:

Then we'll get to the athletic part, because I like to stand or I'll lose track of what we're doing, even though I haven't had anything today. But I am Like. She said the stereotypes yeah, we both went into it and I'll sit here and say I was all of them. I was all of the athletic stereotypes. I was a womanizer, I was did all the things that you think I definitely does, and I think the reason that I saw in her which made me realize that she was the one for me is that I saw a version of myself differently through her eyes and I was willing to put the work in to be something different. And I think that was like me working really hard to beat the stereotype and change the stereotype.

Speaker 4:

I think that is what I was you know, leaning into her so much for and why I loved her in that moment and that time and that space where we were at then, because I knew for myself Josh can attest to this there's only so much partying, there's only so much womanizer, there's only so much that you can do if you're an intelligent being that after a while becomes mundane and you start to feel like, wait, a minute, that's not really who I am. And Josh not talked about this off camera earlier, about how, as an athlete, we have to live in a certain part of ourselves to be that, right, it's a very primal profession, right, you can't really be the soft spirit that you may really be to really compete and do the type of things you got to do in that arena. And with that comes, you know, your libido's up. All those things come with a man that wants to conquer, right, so you become a conqueror in everything you do, and that doesn't just stop in your sport. I see that woman, I gotta have that. That's just who I was at that time.

Speaker 4:

Right, and meeting Terry, you know the stereotypes are actress, they dingy, they like, you know. But she read, she studied, she's spiritual. She broke all of those stereotypes for me and I was like we'll shoot, I mean break my stereotypes for her. Unknowingly, I don't think we know these are the conversations we had longer into our relationship, but at that time that was the conversation I was having with myself about man. Why are you feeling this way about this woman? You know, like what's different than whatever, right, and you know, being honest and looking back. You gotta understand now that that's what it was and that's what it was.

Speaker 1:

So what sport did you play?

Speaker 4:

Oh yeah, I played football. I played professional football for seven years. My love was basketball. Like I love basketball, like I love my wife, like I love my kids, football was a side piece, you know.

Speaker 2:

I was about to say something.

Speaker 4:

Football was. It was to me. It was one of those things. I was good at it and I also knew God gave me an ability. So I was like I was raised to believe that if you have a gift, it's your, my responsibility to use that gift for whatever. For how long? I can and never love football. But I did it and I was good at it and did it for seven years and you know I really talk about it even now. To this day, I'm an actor. Now I'm a producer. I'm in a new phase of life. I usually don't talk about what was done, what I did and who I used to be and that version of me, because he's gone, that's gone. All I got is arthritis and everything and you know what I'm saying and a pinch in the show for it, right? So yeah, football career was that you know. All time sack leader, university minnows. So the history to this day. I'll talk your smack.

Speaker 4:

I still hang my hat on that one because it's a 25 year record. You know, that's something. That's an accomplishment that I'm still, you know, proud of. Like you know, I put that work in and my NFL career wasn't much to talk about. That's why it's a short segment, but again, you get to flow.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, but I did it. You know what I'm saying. I got my pension, I got, you know, my family's taking care of through the stuff I did in the league with our insurance things we do. So it served its purpose right. So, yeah, that was it.

Speaker 2:

But not just that. Right, Just a quick second on that, Like to make it to the top of anything you know is a huge accomplishment, you know y'all both are examples of that. But just to kind of go into something else I was thinking about as you both were talking, it is for both of you what makes you both feel safe about each other, Like really being your natural self. Because I feel like and the reason I asked that question I think is so important I believe one of my theories is a lot of people are in relationships because they're just in them, something to do, no matter how long they might last or anything like that. But you're not really getting the true version of the person right, Because we've learned how to program and we're conditioned to just move and be a certain way to make it work and be comfortable. But because you both have had to do so much changing and evolving, still, you know it's a never-ending journey.

Speaker 4:

Like I was gonna tell people you know what.

Speaker 2:

I mean but what does that look like for you? Both Like safety for you and safety for you.

Speaker 3:

For me it's the consistency of, like I said, choosing Because we both could. Yeah, he could go off and meet somebody else, or if he's tired of being here, I mean he could, you know he'll be fine. I too, I could choose the other way and not wanna deal with the little things about him that get on my nerves, and I could say, okay, I'm done with it and I know I'll be fine. I know I will. But what I love now, where we are and it is a journey we've been married 15 years now Together how long?

Speaker 3:

though 17.

Speaker 2:

So 17 total, okay yeah.

Speaker 3:

It's the consistency of growing together, because we're not the same individuals that we were when we first met. Neither one of us are Having someone that I know complements and appreciates my growth, because I know I'm a lot, I know I am and I like myself. It's who I am. I love being a lot, whatever that means, and he allows me to be there. He never tries to make me feel inadequate and secure, that I'm missing out on something. You know, because in our work we have to be gone for certain amounts of time. As a mom of three, I get that like dang, I'm missing something or I'm feeling kind of guilty. He always pours into me. I got this. This is what you're supposed to do. Do you love your career? Do you love what you're doing? I love it. I don't wanna give it up. Then you're doing what you're supposed to do. That's why you got me Like he's constantly pouring into me, like that, so I don't have to worry about when I have to be gone. I love that about him Goosebumps goosebumps.

Speaker 3:

I love that. That's like my favorite thing.

Speaker 1:

I like the way that you describe the consistency wanting to be chosen. I think a lot of women are afraid to say I want to be chosen, and that's something that I harp on a lot Like I want to be chosen, I want to be chosen. I've experienced a tremendous amount of rejection in my life and it's important that I feel chosen. Yes, and I want to say that I see that a lot on social media people are saying oh, you will pick me. I want to be picked, I do. I don't see anything wrong with that terminology, especially if I have an affinity for a particular person, I want him to pick me. So you call me a, pick me. Call me a, pick me. I want to be chosen, and that doesn't.

Speaker 3:

Because they have a choice, right, absolutely, they have a choice who they want to be with. And I want you to choose me and I think we've upset those exact words to him in arguments and stuff like I need you to choose me.

Speaker 1:

Yes.

Speaker 3:

That's the only way this is going to work, and if you're not choosing me, I have to go.

Speaker 1:

Absolutely.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, and women aren't the only people that feel that they want to be chosen. Like I mean, I can go back to them.

Speaker 1:

Do you ever feel like?

Speaker 4:

you have been chosen, absolutely.

Speaker 1:

Really Okay, because I just think men don't no, we do. There's so many options. Do you ever feel like you're not chosen?

Speaker 4:

We just are sensitive and we just as emotional as y'all are, if not more so. It's just the way we translate the choosing of it. You know what I'm saying. I think, like she said at the beginning when she started talking, like I love myself, love I love. I mean, there's nobody I love more than me. You know my kids, it's me, my kids, my wife, my, you know my God. But again, if I say I love me, I love my God, because I feel like we are the same, in connection, in the same way. So I believe my self-love is what has kept me safe in anything. And then the fact that I can be my full version of whatever vision I see of myself in any moment, I, the safety with her, comes in. She's not gonna run to the high hills, you know the high hills if it gets a little weird, because again, I understand, like she said, she's a lot, I know I'm a lot.

Speaker 1:

Yes, he is yeah exactly so, and you mean into the mic but I, yeah, yeah, no, I'm with it.

Speaker 4:

I agree, like it is what it is, and you know, I think that's and it's just like she said, we both have the ability to choose elsewhere if we choose to do that, and I think, like where we are now in our marriage and where we are as a couple and just not in our spiritual walk together in this journey, is like I think that's the biggest thing that's changed for us. Now it's like we live in the days, we live in our moments, as opposed to worrying about something that happened in the past or we're not really overtly concerned about tomorrow. We're really good today.

Speaker 4:

That's where we at and we love that.

Speaker 4:

You know what I'm saying and if some changes, we both now understand and feel like I don't own her and she don't own me, and we're here every day because I like spending time with her more than anybody else on the planet.

Speaker 4:

You know what I'm saying and right now that's the same way for her. But we also have understanding with each other too, like when we have a you know, a transparency with us that understands like I understand, she can wake up tomorrow and be like look, I'm doing something different, I want to do something different. I'm like well, shoot, send me a postcard and I could do the same thing and she would do the same thing, and it would be. It would hurt because you're losing something that you wasn't doing. But in the day, we understand that this journey ain't about us. We both have something bigger that we're here to do and here for, so we're not caught up in the minutiae of personal whatever idea of whatever you think is supposed to be, and I think that's the freedom that we're living in now, and I think that freedom is giving us more strength and more power as a couple than we ever had.

Speaker 1:

And I don't feel obligated, but you're here because you want to be.

Speaker 4:

Yeah, absolutely yeah, we ain't. No, let me look at her, look at me. Think we're going to be lonely anywhere.

Speaker 2:

Respect. What do you think is the?

Speaker 1:

ingredient to a long lasting relationship.

Speaker 4:

Everything we've been talking about, I think, constant elevating, constant elevation, with internally, each other, supporting each I, each version of said person that comes out of the fire. Each time it's like now she's a totally different woman and I'm a totally different man. But you know, it's fun because now I get to relearn a new spirit, a new version, like she gets to relearn and, you know, fall in love again and figure it all out and understand like, oh, wow, this is, this is new about you, this is nice and you know, and this, I think that's where it is. And then the communication part just understanding the, the checking in and understanding like yo, last year I was thinking this, this year I'm here because it's fluid, like she's, everything is fluid.

Speaker 4:

Like I'm not hard on I know I used to be a really hard lying guy Like this is what I believe, this is what it's going to be, period. Now, yeah, this is what I kind of feel and believe. But again, I'm open to it all now, like I don't, I don't squeeze the soap on anything. It's like I'm just holding the soap in life now, like I'm not squeezing, I'm not, I'm not chasing nothing, I'm not, I'm just, I'm just standing aligned in my own self and I'm pulling and creating the world that I want to see in my marriage and my my career internally first, and I'm just letting it all come to me as this is going to come.

Speaker 2:

So I had a quick question because with both of you obviously the individual you got your personal grind, you got your spiritual life, you got all of these different things. How do you balance family? Like, how do you? Because you got to spend time, you know you spend, you do what you do for yourself, you spend time with each other. But I know a lot of people that's like a struggle. You know what I'm saying Because they're constantly working or constantly gone. So what is a blueprint of success? How does that look for you all?

Speaker 3:

To me. We, you know I love my life, right, I love having a family, I love being a mother. I love those kids. I love being his wife. We have a lot of fun. You know, we, we have great conversations and we, we value our home space Like our space is our sanctuary. We love being home.

Speaker 3:

I also equally love my career and I think my career I think I know my career is is a part of my purpose on this earth. To to tell stories, to to do the things that I do is purpose driven and I have a reason why I love it. It's, you know, it's when we can talk about that. It's a whole nother show, representation, all the things.

Speaker 3:

So I do my work with a purpose and I do my home with a purpose and I think any, any given time if I'm at work, I'm fully, 100% free at work, I'm giving that all my attention. I cannot give mommy stuff attention, which is why I'm so happy to have a great teammate and we have support. We have a support system as well, and when I'm home with the kids, I'm pouring into that 100%. Got to put the phone on hold, but you know, as much as I can, because this life is, you know, but I try to give those kids 100%, just like I do when I'm at work.

Speaker 3:

So it really isn't a balancing. I feel like it's more of a juggle, like sometimes the kids are up top and he's in the middle and the work is at the bottom, and sometimes that work up top and he in the middle and the kids at the bottom, and it's just like because I love them all and if God gave them to me I can do them all and it's, you know, it's, it's really just again, a faith walk, knowing I'm living in my purpose, giving each other grace, all those things Because I love it all. My house is crazy, it's wacky, those kids are crazy, my daughter is a beast, like everybody wants and needs everything and y'all get it when I get there.

Speaker 1:

Based on your experience, what are some of the more common relationship challenges that people face today?

Speaker 3:

Again, I think people are too rigid in what they believe and been taught a relationship is supposed to be. I think that you cannot go into, you can't even live your life like that and be fully happy. I feel like you have to be honest and true to yourself as an individual, and that may not match what your mother did or what your grandmother did or what the church tells you you're supposed to be. It may not be none of that.

Speaker 3:

And if you're not, if you're only living to satisfy those lanes that you were taught and you are, you're going to live an unhappy life, an unfulfilled life, and you're not living in your God-given purpose, because your God-given purpose is going to make you feel good. So you have to make your relationships your spiritual walk, your career path. You have to live that from the inside, not from the outside in. And as long as you're doing that, I think that you and it's not easy, it's certainly not easy to do at all Relationships you might lose some friends, you might feel really lonely sometimes. But if God is giving you that reasoning, that purpose, that feeling, who are you going to answer to? You're going to answer to that voice inside of you or are you going to answer to those voices outside of you?

Speaker 4:

So I think that's it, yeah, and I totally agree with her. Basically, just to break it down, like I think everybody is looking outside for the answers in relationships. You're looking at other people's relationships compared to what they have versus what you have.

Speaker 4:

And even just see, her and I, we used to crack jokes back when we first started, like we're going to be like the new Will and Jada type energy in our life and saying that we weren't. You know, we want the essence, the powerfulness of the essence of that. But then we grown, we understand and mature. You start saying no we don't want a Will and Jada, we us he's Terry and Karan. This is us how we do it, you know what I'm saying.

Speaker 4:

Like we can't look to anything outside of us to try to make what it worked for us. And I think us even us in our community we're struggling with our family dynamics and our relationships because, again, like Terry stated, we're looking outside for all answers. We're looking, we're learning, we're learning from people that never really have really had good relationships in their lives in any point in time. So what do we expect? Right? So we, again, we got to get back to our source, back to our truths, and really start there. I think, instead of chasing an ideal, locking in on you and it'll find you, the relationship that you need, that's supposed to be for you, will appear naturally, instinctively, and I think both of us have naturally been those kind of people and that's why we found each other where we found each other and as we've grown, we've now started to learn things. Now I understand why I'm the way I am and how it starts to all make sense, and I think what you just said is outside, looking outside.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and I have to think this is powerful. You guys allow each other to be yourself. That's the most important thing. No one is stifling, like I heard you say. It gives me I can be me, freely be me, even if.

Speaker 4:

I want to be loved, period. It's reciprocity. I'm not going to, I'm going to operate in our relationship exactly how I want you to operate with me. Now. Does it work like that all the time? No, because she's still her and she's going to love me the way she wants to be loved. And that's where you because after a while you become a mirror right. So, like I get it when, when there's certain things going on, she gets them certain things going on. But again, I'm going to love her the way I want to be loved. Like I understand I need my space. Sometime I need to be by myself. I love being by myself. That's why I ride bikes. What's your love language? My love language is probably physical touch, affirmation and um. Yeah, physical touch and affirmation for me. Everything else. I don't need gifts, I don't need um. What's the other ones?

Speaker 2:

Access. What's the other?

Speaker 4:

one.

Speaker 2:

Quality time and access service.

Speaker 4:

Quality time Quality time is maybe 50% of my love language.

Speaker 1:

I love.

Speaker 4:

I do love spending time. I do need to get in there with you and be in that moment with you for a minute. But yeah, the main two is probably physical touch and affirmations.

Speaker 1:

What about?

Speaker 3:

you too. I would say uh time, time spent, was that the quality time and affirmations as well.

Speaker 3:

And also I was going to say, you know we're speaking a lot about, um, our individualism and accepting each other as we are, but I think in that as well, when you, when you get to a point where you, where you have that base, you also operate in a space. Of this is my mate, and there are things I do sacrifice because, because I love him and I, and even though I'm an individual and I got the things that I like and stuff that I, you know, sometimes I'll like, okay, let me do this because I know he likes this and I think that's a part of relationship being relation, shipping.

Speaker 4:

I just made that word. It's relation shipping.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, you, you do do that a lot. It's like you make sacrifices. We make sacrifices for our kids. We don't want to do all that stuff all the time. I don't want to go to every game and every dance recital, I don't want to do all that, but we do because we love them and we want to pour into them. And I do the same for him and he does the same, for I know he does a lot of stuff that he don't want to do. I know it, but he does it, that's so important to say that Because I want him to.

Speaker 2:

That's so important to say that.

Speaker 3:

Oh yeah, that's important.

Speaker 2:

That's how you build. I did have another thought, because you know, we the longevity right Y'all both 17 and counting.

Speaker 3:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

I think that's really beautiful. But what are some red flags, if any like? What are some things where you just like, mm-mm, we got it, we got to come to the table and talk about that, because I do feel that sometimes when people are in relationships and again they become hamsters and they own that wheel and you know they'll overlook some things. It'll just be like whatever at a certain point. But what are some no-no's for y'all to just like nah, we, we're not overlooking that.

Speaker 3:

I know for me. I know we're in a trouble zone or a challenge zone when I feel myself shut down. Okay, because sometimes I may not want the confrontation and I'm innately a people pleaser, like I want people to be happy around me. So if I have something that I think is going to piss him off, or because he's pissing me off, and if I bring it up it's going to piss him off, I would shut down and just not say it and hold it in. And then things are building up now. Right, because I'll keep holding stuff in. So that was my MO and things. So I can catch myself now like no, just say it and just deal with you know, I'm making an assumption on what I think his reaction is going to be. Let me not do that. And that assumption is based on something from the past. Right, let me not do that. This is a new day, a new situation.

Speaker 4:

Let me tell him that this made me mad or whatever, and I think that's yeah, I mean, I'm agreeing with her. My red flag is the opposite of that. My red flag is that shut down, you shut down, I mean you shut down. I mean the store is closed. We ain't good with being like for me, I need, let's get it, let's figure it, let's work it, let's figure the thing out Like if I did something to piss you off, let's talk about it, let's figure that out. I'm not.

Speaker 4:

I've never been a man who ran away from accountability. You know what I'm saying. Like I preach that, I try to try. I raise my sons, my daughter, I teach them like, at the end of the day, man, you got to own your shit. You know like, and I've been a that's kind of who I kind of stand on. Like I'm going to own my mistakes because I'm all my wins too. Like you know what I'm going to tell you straight up. I did that and like, if I did, I did that too. Yep, trick that off. That was me. And I guess for a red flag for me in the past, or just my MO, was if you shutting down on me, then all right, well, shit, I can shut down too, and it'd be what it is. You know, I don't, but I again, like she said, we don't.

Speaker 1:

How do you, how did you overcome that though?

Speaker 4:

Oh, I think, landmark, landmark. We did, we did a, we did a self kind of a self help seminar for couples. And you know people, head of industries and things of that nature, where you go into this, this, this, this, um, this workshop program and they basically teach you how to get out of your own way. Um, it teaches you to not create rackets of your, of your life and people in your life, your mother, your father, your wife, your boss, your, your employees. Based on something Terry and I might be talking about on Sunday and it didn't go well, but on Monday, if we're about to have a whole new conversation, but now I'm created a whole new story about how this conversation can go before we even get to it. That's called self self.

Speaker 4:

Um, you know, based self sabotage. Okay, right, so you have to give the moment, the moment. You can't live. What, what, what did I do? What I did yesterday? Let's see what this moment is and that's where we're going to be at. And I think that is how we got to that place of understanding, like we're going to be in the moment today, like, yeah, I might have pissed you off on Saturday, but today is Sunday and let's figure out if it's going to be the same or not, and if I talk about it honestly on Saturday that it upset me, and if you love me and I love her like she loves me, and on Sunday we talk about something else, I'm going to do the self work for myself to not.

Speaker 4:

I was just going to say that upset her based on what she told me before. I don't know, I'm fucking up until you tell me. You know, in my mind it was just I'm doing it. This is what it is. I don't know.

Speaker 3:

I think the self work is has been the key for us, um, and not thinking like, well, he needs to change, he needs to do it. It was like let me go in on me and doing that work, reading, like you said, um, we did a thing called landmark. Um, I just are studying spiritually where we are now, like we're doing a lot of self reflection, self improvement, self growing, um, and we're we've always been very open to that Like I couldn't be with somebody. That was not about that, um, because we are always changing, we're always growing from experiences and we're supposed to, because there is never, we never get to the answer whatever this life, answer of what our whole life and dream and purpose. Why are we here?

Speaker 3:

It is an ongoing journey, an ongoing research, and if you're not living your life every day on that journey of of finding with that path, with that truth, what it is I, I cannot be with somebody that's not on that journey.

Speaker 3:

And that doesn't mean we're on the at the same place, at the same time. Sometimes you're up here, I'm back here, and then whoa, I did a little bit more research. Now it's ongoing and that's what makes this life really fun, really exciting, really vulnerable. You know a lot of crying, a lot of laughing, a lot of cocktails, a lot of you know all of it, um, but all for the purpose of wanting to be our best selves for the world not for ourselves, but for the world. What am I giving to you guys right now? Being in this moment that you're getting all of my studying and breakdowns and crying, and this is what you're getting right now, and I love being on this journey with him. Doing that. That makes it exciting for me, that makes me choose him every day, it makes me feel good, it makes me feel safe.

Speaker 2:

That's beautiful. I just taking a pause on that. But stepping into your craft, because I know you both, you know creators, and outside of this strike going on, is there anything that you're working on, anything, any projects you wanna let people know about? You know, just kind of put that out. I think it's, you know, a good chance to go into that world a little bit too.

Speaker 4:

Oh, man, like you said, we creators man and I, like the new thing I've been on is just, I'm a co-creator with the universe and God, right? So, yeah, the strike is happening, but I still believe man can't dictate what I'm here to do. So for me I've just been creating. You know, I did another painting.

Speaker 4:

I created a new key peltin' jacket for my line, started doing skits on the lion side, based on the series she and I created years ago called the lion's crumbs, and just being creative man, like not letting the fear of the world penetrate the love of my creator and my creation inside of me and letting that state thriving. That's all you know, and just being ready. I know everything in life comes to an end like the strike will, and we'll go back to the hustling, bustling, be chibi, some kind of directing or acting. I'll be on some kind of directing, acting, but do whatever it is we gonna be doing and this moment in time will be oh, it's over already and that's just how I, you know, stand moving.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, and I feel like we're always right here at this moment for what there is a reason. Like God does not make mistakes, so being in this atmosphere of the strike is for a reason. So it's my job to go inside. What are you supposed to be learning? Doing so again, just continuing to create, to lean in and push myself further than what I had been? Because, to be honest, I got comfortable. I was booked. I was booked through the end of the year on directing gigs, so I was like easy breezy this what I do. Life is good. I love my house, I love my man, I love my kids, I love my career. Easy, I was too complacent. So there's things that I had said that I wanted to do that I put aside because I was busy working.

Speaker 2:

What are some of those things that you don't mind?

Speaker 3:

So now it's a one woman show. I'm learning how to play the guitar. I have my own television series that I've been talking about for years. I'm putting a team together to shoot a sizzle for that. Like all these things that I wanted to do, I'm doing them now, in this moment of the strike.

Speaker 4:

Nick, as life happens for you, not to you.

Speaker 4:

I mean, that's the energy that we keep in the house Like the worst thing that the world may look at it.

Speaker 4:

It may happen to you If you can keep your mindset on this happened for me versus happened to me you'll find your way around a lot of challenges in life and you'll get the lesson that was sent to you for a reason. And then we got to remember what our vision is and what we ask and from what we're planning and doing every day, because we'll pray for one thing and then one thing will happen and then we'll forget that we asked for this. But in order for you to get what you asked for, these things got to happen for this to happen. So you got to keep yourself in a bird's eye view of everything and understanding. Like, look man, God knows what you're going for. And this strike, like she said, it's happening for us, it's happening for me, Like it's just the time I take these times, like, all right, this is the time for me to level up why everybody's running around. Oh no, it's time for me to get free and really go at what I want, and that's where it's at.

Speaker 2:

If you had a young man in front of you right now, what would be some words that you would give him?

Speaker 4:

Trust your vision, believe in yourself, first and foremost. Your mom and your daddy, your cousin, your brother, your pastor, nobody got to believe in you or will believe in until you do. And I would say, once you see the vision, believe in it, find out what it takes to work to get that vision and just keep pedaling until you hit your head on it. That's all I got All right, what about you?

Speaker 3:

For a little girl. I'm a son of a.

Speaker 2:

You're a young lady? Yeah, because we got up lift man. This you know. Passing down this game is important For sure.

Speaker 3:

I would definitely tell her to trust herself. I think, especially as women, we question ourselves all the time. We'll feel something like I should do that or I should say this, but no, I shouldn't, because Trust your instincts and go for it. And, like he said, your vision, which you've been given, which's been dropped inside of you from God, is yours. Your mom may not understand it, your father may not understand it. Your brother and they're giving you advice based on their own visions. You have to trust yours and do the work to get it, because it's possible. If you thought of it, you can do it and, yes, it may be hard work, but so what?

Speaker 4:

So it was making a diamond. Nothing comes without pressure and time and dirt.

Speaker 1:

That's the show. Terry J Bond. Sorry, Karan Raleigh. Relationships Matter. See you next time, Relationships Matter. I need you to understand. Relationships Matter.