Relationships Matter Live

Marvin Hunter: A Funny Thing About Relationships Is...

Chanel Scott and Josh Powell

Have you ever watched a tightrope walker balance precariously between the priorities of family, relationships, and personal growth? That's the theme of our latest heart-to-heart, where comedian Marvin Hunter joins us, Chanel Scott and Josh Powell, for a candid discussion that teeters on the edge of humor and profound truth. We wade into the murky waters of family hierarchies, debating the precedence of spouses, children, and parents in our lives, and share poignant personal stories that reveal the delicate nature of these complex bonds.

Imagine sitting at a dinner table where each person's experiences and perspectives serve as a unique course, rich with flavor and substance. Our conversation ventures into the realm of gender roles and cultural expectations, seasoned with anecdotes from military life and the global buffet of cultural diversity. Marvin Hunter adds his comedic spice to the mix, sharing insights on how to manage relationships with alpha personalities and the importance of nurturing and empathy in finding the ideal partner.

As we wrap up our heartwarming exchange, we don't shy away from the sensitive topic of blending children into new relationships, nor do we gloss over the undercurrent of strength and aggression that ebbs and flows in the world of business. Our stories, laughter, and reflections create a tapestry that illustrates the vibrant, often challenging, landscape of human connections. So, if you're navigating the high wire of life's relational dynamics, tune in and let us share the lessons we've learned on staying balanced and grounded.

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Opposing experiences, a single woman and a married man, Chanel Scott, and Josh Powell, create a powerful and empathetic team, offering valuable insights and advice on navigating the complexities of romantic relationships and promoting healthier, more fulfilling connections.

Join Chanel and Josh as they unlock the secrets of successful relationships one conversation at a time.


Speaker 1:

I'm Chanel Scott, the queen of relationship talk.

Speaker 2:

I'm Josh Powell, two-time NBA champion.

Speaker 1:

I've journeyed from trauma to healing.

Speaker 2:

From the NBA to family, I've learned what really matters.

Speaker 1:

We've come together to unlock the secrets of successful relationships.

Speaker 2:

One conversation at a time.

Speaker 1:

One conversation at a time. Welcome to Relationships Matter, the podcast. I'm Chanel Scott.

Speaker 2:

And I am Josh Powell.

Speaker 1:

And we have an amazing episode for you guys today. We have comedian Marvin Hunter here with us today. Welcome, welcome, sir.

Speaker 3:

Thank you. Thank you for having me.

Speaker 1:

Yes, you know, I was checking out your page and I was watching some of your shorts, right, and there was a short where you dealt with who comes first.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1:

Does the wife come first, does the children come first, or does the mother come first? And you know, I guess we all have different perspectives and I agreed with your stance, I think. But in my mind I'm like, doesn't don't everybody have a place? Like I think, if it was a situation where, say, if I was married and I've never been married, so I don't know and my husband, he had his mother and we were riding together, I think I was just getting the vaccine- there will be a call and that would be a wrong call.

Speaker 3:

There won't be a wrong call. My whole thing with that is because to me it's common sense. This is the woman you lay beside every night. This is the woman who nurses you when you sick. This is the woman if you drop the ball. She got to pick it up. She is the priority. That's the nucleus of your existence. Mom should understand that. Most good moms will understand that. You know what I mean. You can't be dibbitt and dabbing in the situation and make your wife feel like she's sick of fiddle to your mom. At some point you got to pop your mama tit at your mouth. You got to do it. You got to do it.

Speaker 1:

But listen, let me ask you this but I just feel like there, because everybody has a position, I just feel like you don't want to over like, or you don't want to push, or you know, some people can be territorial or you don't want to kind of just push it in someone's face, Like you don't want to cause a tension between your mom and your spouse either.

Speaker 1:

I think if you you know, most times when you see issues within the family, it's because somebody has pushed somebody on the other person rather than letting it happen organically.

Speaker 3:

But if you have a good wife, she understands that too. And I'm not saying you shouldn't neglect your mom. Yeah, if you have a good wife, she would never let you neglect your mom. But I give you a situation. I knew a dude who was his mom was very intrusive. She wanted him to build her a gazebo in the backyard. He started building the gazebo. We work on it every weekend. The materials cost money. He ended up losing his job, didn't want to tell his mom cause he wanted. He wanted to save face start pulling money out of his savings to build his mom's gazebo. But meanwhile the mom's still talking grievous to the wife and the wife had to break it down like look B, this is not his money. I'm the only one bringing money in the house. He doesn't have a job. The money's come out of the savings. So we're using my money to build a gazebo. And if you keep talking to him, come on and burn that damn thing to the ground.

Speaker 1:

Now, I agree with you in that regard.

Speaker 3:

You know what I'm saying Absolutely.

Speaker 1:

I think that there has to be some boundaries set at the very beginning.

Speaker 1:

You know, not to the point where you like pushing like the person, but, like you know, you have a conversation with your mom, like well, you know, like I am married, you know what I'm saying Kind of set the groundwork at the very beginning and then there should be a level of understanding. But I just think about in my own, like my own family dynamic, because I am single. My mom, she was married to my dad but they got divorced when I was very young and I think about her introducing someone into the family dynamic and it would be situations where this guy will come in like overbearing, like dude, you got to be, you got to let it happen organically.

Speaker 3:

Organically.

Speaker 1:

You know what I'm saying. Like you can't come in that way because then now you're causing dissension in the family. You know, and I just never agreed with it. I think about my brother. You know he has a wife. When she came in it was still like very balanced Cause.

Speaker 1:

You know this is a new person you know, but for whatever reason, and not I'm biased now because I'm single, so I'm speaking from that perspective not the married perspective, cause it's like, okay, we've known each other all of our lives, like my brother, you know my mama, and so when you bring this new person, it has to be like some type of balance. What do you think, josh?

Speaker 2:

I mean for one it's interesting because it's like it's a great topic. But why does it even have to be a topic? Boom, you know what I'm saying.

Speaker 3:

It should be common sense.

Speaker 2:

And to your point, cause you mentioned something earlier, it's like people not understanding like their place, so I feel like that's why they get you know territorial.

Speaker 1:

It's like when you say their place, like as a family member, like I'm just thinking about it, somebody say, like my cousin, he has a, she's not a wife. And I emphasize that because I feel the way. But our relationship is forever ruined because of a disagreement that she and I had and he wanted me to respect her as his old lady and I just wasn't feeling that because I had a stance. I felt the way I felt and I just refused and I think I don't think I'll ever like have that conversation where I feel like I refuse to allow her to make, I refuse to allow her to think that she's more important than me. I'm just going to keep it real with you so we can have a real conversation. So because of that I can apologize to him, cause he's my cousin. We've known each other all of our lives. He's looked out for me to care of me when I needed it. But I just cannot let her have it.

Speaker 3:

I also think that the person, the middle person, so your cousin, that person has to have common sense, to the set the boundaries, cause I also speak on the topic about men who go through their whole lives and their wives and their moms are doing this. Are you kidding me? So you're going to live your whole life dealing with this? At some point you need to set your mama down and your wife both of y'all getting on my nerves, and this has to come to an end. This is just crazy. So that person has to set boundaries too. So you know to to counteract maybe the territorialness or the the friction too. It's a delicate dance. It's a delicate dance, you know, but I just I know so many situations to where people women and men are in hell because their in-laws are intrusive. You know, and I just I don't understand why it's allowed. I don't understand why it's a thing. We shouldn't even be having these conversations. You know what I'm saying.

Speaker 2:

That's my biggest point, because I, even though I understand it, I personally don't like the title thing because basically, like for your example, it's like well, if she was the wife, would you have treated her differently?

Speaker 2:

I don't think so, so that's so again, that's what I'm saying, is like what you run into. But I also think too, like if, if a person has a significant other and they're building with this person, they're living with this person, there there's all of these different dynamic, you know things going on in the relationship, then it should kind of be understood. You know what I'm saying. But it's also unfortunate too, because even if you set people down, like you said, some people just ain't hearing that because there's no respect across the board for whatever the reason is. Then you get in a situation where you have to make a choice. Unfortunately, you know what I mean and, in order for it to not be tricky, you know especially like you know this is your woman, or she was on the other foot, or this is your fiance, or this is your husband or wife. You got to make, you got to make that decision.

Speaker 1:

So that's the part that I struggle with, like the choice piece. Um, when I, when this actually happened, which was a couple of years ago, and I had a conversation with several different people just trying to get, you know, get their take, and everybody was like, oh, I don't know, when it comes to his lady, you know, because they the first go to, they say is sex, because that's, you know, that's his lady and you know I'm like, but why should it matter? I'm his blood.

Speaker 3:

Like it does matter. I mean, that's his woman, that's his woman, so he depends on he, depends on her more than he depends on you. Best, that's it he. If he loves her, he depends on her and as a loyalty there, there's a bond there, what he does you, even though you have history from my standpoint.

Speaker 1:

How, what would you say? Would you have advised me to do with that type of situation?

Speaker 3:

Oh, you're supposed to take shit off nobody. Okay, you're supposed to take shit off nobody.

Speaker 2:

But, but also to piggyback off of that, I think to understand that that still doesn't mean that he doesn't love you or value you, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3:

That's the, that's the. That's what he doesn't love you.

Speaker 2:

Because it's like are you signed with her?

Speaker 3:

So that must mean yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't do that, yeah, don't do that. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you, but that's who he. That's who he lays with, that's who nurses him when he's sick. That's maybe, maybe, the mother of his kids. I don't know if they have children.

Speaker 1:

They. At the time they didn't, but now they do. So I know that relationship is irreparable for them because of that.

Speaker 3:

But but you're not supposed to take shit off, nobody, no it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. That should be boundary set with people. And just because that's your, your cousin's wife, you're not supposed to take crap off of her. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 1:

Because I want to, because I was, when I, when I replay it in my head, like I'm like how could I have handled that differently, you know where? Cause he never took size until that day.

Speaker 3:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

You know what I'm saying. That day was just a different day. I think it was more spiritual than anything, cause you know there was some other other underlying things going on.

Speaker 3:

Are you an alpha I?

Speaker 1:

am definitely an alpha.

Speaker 3:

She's an alpha. That's a problem right there. So that's going to you know.

Speaker 1:

maybe he knew it was coming, maybe he said why you got to jump off the light. He like he was the type of man. He is the type of man where he'll defend in front of her, but when she's not around it's like you know what she know. I was just and I don't like that Cause. Now you just disrespecting me in front of her and then you come back to me when she's not around trying to smooth it over with me. But I'm already offended.

Speaker 1:

So, then you, you sacrifice my feelings for her. You cannot play both sides of the thing.

Speaker 3:

He live with her every night, that's the point.

Speaker 1:

I just don't understand, like I think if it was me and it was a family like my spouse or my man and a family member of mine, I just don't I would have whether I agree right, wrong and different. I think I would have been more of a mediator. I wouldn't be like, well, you know, I lay up with him, I would try to you know handle, cause I don't want to not speak to my family because of this person.

Speaker 3:

That man get his arm both his own cut off tomorrow. He, he, he going to expect this woman to wipe his ass.

Speaker 1:

You ain't going to come on in and do it. Yeah, you're right, he's gonna wash him up with cordless 指 SILETE.

Speaker 2:

I want to talk to you about your service and I also want to tap in to what that part of your life look like traveling in different things like that. The reason being is because we know experiences shape and mold us and it does in regards to so many things and because this is a relationship podcast, we definitely want to find out how that experience shaped the mold of you. When we get back, Relationships matter. The podcast Relationships matter.

Speaker 1:

Welcome back to Relationships Matter, the podcast. So we're here talking with Mr Marvin Hunter, the comedian, and Josh, you had a question for Marvin. What was your question?

Speaker 2:

Absolutely Well. First of all, thank you for your service. You know what I mean and got a salute, you brother. You know what I mean, but I wanted to ask you to kind of talk about that part of your life, talk about touring. You know, just whatever your different experiences is, because where I'm going with it is those experiences and how they shape and mold your perspective. As far as relationships go. Now, obviously you know personal friends, whatever, but you know, just kind of want to touch on that and then we'll dive into the rest of it.

Speaker 3:

Well, I was stupid. I got married when I was 20.

Speaker 2:

Oh, wow.

Speaker 3:

Like an idiot, and I was not ready, and your your. Your vision of the world is formed by your family dynamic, and so what I see, my mom and my dad relate. That's how I thought relationships supposed to be, and it was a disaster.

Speaker 2:

It was a disaster how was your mom and dad, so that way we can have some context.

Speaker 3:

My mom- was, she didn't work, she didn't work, she didn't work. My dad worked two, three jobs that supported us, and so I assumed that this wasn't man supposed to do. But fuck that. You got to work. You got to do something. You can't just be here. You know what I mean. And so that was an issue. And so it's just a lot of a lot of bump in the heads. And you know, getting married that young, I never, I've never, advised anybody to get married in their 20s. You don't know who you are. You have new think, you do? We all think, oh no, I'm, I'm, you know I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, you know you don't have no frickin idea. But when you're a 20, you are an idiot and you don't know it. And so you know, listen to people. Everyone advised me that I should not do it. I should not do it, and I did it anyway. So it was, it was. It was very difficult. On top of that, you don't know not to bring the baggage from your house to your relationship.

Speaker 3:

Okay, you don't know not to do that. As I was telling your producer earlier, my mom was a was a difficult woman. Love my mom to pieces, miss her terribly, but she was a difficult woman.

Speaker 1:

Difficult on what way.

Speaker 3:

Uh who, firecracker, Firecracker. Oh you talk, give my dad hell you stick. You know she that um, uh, if your mom ain't having the house, ain't happy that I lived that. So I always told myself I would never marry that, I would never marry that. And it it has affected me throughout my life, for good and for bad, because to this day I don't do volatile people At all. I've been in a situation. As soon as I smell it on a woman, we're done.

Speaker 2:

That's good.

Speaker 3:

We're done. We are done. You don't even get a chance. I don't even care if you're volatile and I'm done.

Speaker 2:

That's good.

Speaker 3:

You know what I mean. Um, you could say that that has hurt me, maybe in the past, maybe I've have denied myself some great relationships.

Speaker 1:

but that's fine, let me ask you this how do you deal with conflict in your relationship.

Speaker 3:

Um, talk it out. You got to. Everybody's an adult here. That's the thing I think is missing. Everybody's supposed to be a daughter. You know you should be a talk stuff out like like an adult when I see people who do crazy shit, because I'm mad. To me that's ridiculous. You're a child. You are a child. If you fly off to handle it, everything and everything's the end of the world, like, come on man, like, especially if your partner's not doing that to you and you're doing that to them. Um, but you know, being in a relationship in the military is already rough because, I tell you, the cheating in the military is crazy, isn't it Crazy, beyond crazy. You know what I mean. So it's just it's hard, did I go both sides.

Speaker 3:

Yes, yeah, when the ships go out to sea or the army go to the field or the marine go to the field oh, it's Christmas time. I get to base with a lot of the wives. It's Christmas time and people that know it, they know it. It's a lot of infidelity going on in the military. What it's women, oh bro.

Speaker 1:

Faithful, oh my Well that man had gone for like three years. Oh she's, oh it's been awful, okay, okay.

Speaker 3:

I mean the dude to do anything to is just so.

Speaker 1:

But what is he doing while he gone for three years? Oh, so you ducking in. It's a nine ducking and dying to go both ways. You know, I knew a cat.

Speaker 3:

When I was in the military he he bragged to us that he was trying to get his wife to do a threesome and he kept telling mom, I'm almost there, mom, I'm almost there. Mom was getting there right before he deployed. She done it.

Speaker 1:

Then, once he deployed, she fell in love with the woman and moved the woman. The woman was two women, yes.

Speaker 3:

And she fell in love with the woman. Now he deployed calling back crying on the phone. No, don't cry now, I mean what? Are you crying for Cause she the mood of woman in she like a for real. He just he thought this was for him but she liked it.

Speaker 2:

But why he crying though?

Speaker 3:

Cause he, his woman, love somebody else.

Speaker 2:

Bit dog you should.

Speaker 3:

And then the kids is on the phone. This lady mean to us Wow, oh, wow, what, and you know, military P wing on the heart. We laughing at you cause you crying. You're stupid, wow so that was a rough diploma for him.

Speaker 2:

That's wild. So where are some of the places that you you've traveled to?

Speaker 3:

Oh man, 20 years in 11 different commands. I've been 21 countries, five continents, I've been all over.

Speaker 2:

So, from a from a perspective standpoint, is there anything that you picked up along?

Speaker 3:

those 20 years Everything.

Speaker 2:

Cause I know for me right, for example, like being in the Asian culture, like playing in Korea, playing in China, like things like that. You know the discipline, the respect, um, you know that they really do like, for example, if, like you're somebody who's you know older than even, even if somebody's 50 and you're 40, like the way that they respect you, the way that they like the work ethic. You know the cleanliness, like you know, when I was in Korea, like how they move, everything was just immaculate, like. So that's why I was asking, because when I was having relationship talks to my Korean brothers and sisters, to kind of see what their similarities and also see where there's okay, there's a fair amount of differences.

Speaker 3:

So that's why, that's why I was going with it. That's why I wanted to ask you how it is. Americans think that we're a center of the universe and when you go overseas you see stuff like no, we're not and we're not the best and everything. There's other culture that we have respect for their elders. They do things differently. It it uh.

Speaker 3:

You get a lot of uh, men, of course, you know GIs go over there and they marry women from overseas. Sometimes it works, sometimes it don't, um, but you have to factor in those differences in the cultures. Um, I would say, like, like Filipinos, for instance. I've known some guys that were with Filipinos. Women can be very dominating, very dominating, and uh, you know. But then you go somewhere like, uh, you know, um, japan, it can be very docile. You know what I mean. So you got to know, uh, the differences and stuff. I mean I don't think I could ever do it. I never was attracted to I, I, I, I, I gotta have sisters. I got it. I just got it. I just got it. You know what I'm saying. And uh, but I know a lot of people, um, who go, who fall in love. You know people overseas Always a tricky situation.

Speaker 3:

You have kids and don't work out and you take the kids. Now they way over there. Like you know, I've known some, some horror stories. But uh, the military taught me discipline, it gave me structure, it by far. That's not another decision that even comes close. The best decision I ever made in my life was going to military.

Speaker 2:

Is there? Is there a country or a culture that you still carry with you to this day?

Speaker 3:

Carry with me, I don't know. Enjoy. I loved Australia. I loved Australia. I love Hong Kong. I love Hong Kong, man, uh, uh, you uh. Japan, yakuza great times, great times over there.

Speaker 2:

So what did you love about Hong Kong?

Speaker 3:

He just had a blast man. He was like really and I was single when I was over there, so you already know we ain't got to get into it, but I mean he had a blast over there man. It was just really. It was really fun, it was beautiful it Hong Kong Harbor is one of them. At night is one of the most beautiful things I've seen in my life.

Speaker 2:

You know, one of the things I learned, um, being overseas, um, and then comparing a lot of things to the, to the US, you know, and how we move, it doesn't matter where you go, communication is big everywhere, yeah Right. And for both parties to be on the same page, to be able to articulate your thoughts, to be able to, you know, have respect for your significant other, um, and the list goes on and on and on. Like that was one of the things that that I saw, that was like, okay, like there there's, there's something that, no matter where you're at, is something that people hold near and dear.

Speaker 2:

Another thing that I did think was interesting, um, because you know, countries and cultures differ, but like, for example, going back to Korea, like talking to one of my buddies and he was just mentioning, like you know, the man's role in his family you know what I mean and then what the woman does, and then how it's different with like his parents versus like our generation, cause he was, he's, close in age to me but a little older. But just saying, like you know, structurally, like there are some differences, right, and then I know, earlier you mentioned how your father was. I hate to say the word, but it's like that's what people use it as is traditional right. The man does this, the woman does this, and it was interesting that you were like nah.

Speaker 3:

Nah, because times are different. Right Times are different, you know. I can remember at one point, you know, money is short and I got to eat on the ship. I got to eat on my meals on the ship because I can eat at home and enough money to buy food for three people for the kid and I'm looking like it grow. You gotta get a job, son, you can't just sit here. What are you going to do?

Speaker 1:

But the conversation did that take place before you got married or was that something that you discovered after you got married?

Speaker 2:

Oh, and I'm definitely not here to bash, of course not Hold that thought, because when we get back, relationships matter the podcast, relationships matter.

Speaker 1:

Welcome back to Relationships Matter, the podcast. So, Marvin, we were talking about communication, right, and you were stating that once you got married, then you came to the conclusion that your wife needed to get a job right. And I was asking you did you not have that conversation before marriage?

Speaker 3:

Well, I was 20. So I'm stupid. You don't even know how to have a conversation. You just assume folks had a job. Before folks had a job, you met them. You think, so let's keep having a job. And when you were E1, e2, e3, especially back then, you were making no money.

Speaker 1:

Right.

Speaker 3:

You was making no money. Mm-hmm, it was a ass out, so you had to have a double income. Well, I remember we were staying in San Diego. This is like in the early 90s. Gang culture is very prevalent out there, and I'm from a small town and she's from a small town and one of her things was that she was scared to get out there. There's gangs out there, but I'll tell you I had better join one. You better join one, because you got to get out here and go work. I don't know what the hell is going on. You know what I'm saying.

Speaker 1:

So it was always an understanding that she had to work, even if it was unspoken, it was never. Like you never said. You could say at home Like what you're doing, no, no, no, no no, no, no, never said, that was never said.

Speaker 3:

No, you know what I'm saying.

Speaker 1:

She's a little bit of me too, but anyway.

Speaker 3:

But it was like you know, I got the baby with you. Better duck tape into your ass. I don't know what to tell you because the bills are due, wow.

Speaker 2:

What's your take on traditional?

Speaker 3:

Yeah.

Speaker 3:

I could, I'm a traditional dude overall, but we are living in different times financially and I think that but that was it was getting that way back in the 80s though the way, because we're a generation X, we had pretty much had to raise our sales because most of our parents I just was my personal situation my mom never worked, but most of my friends their moms work, their mom and their dad work. So you know you had a latch key and a key around your neck. You walk to school, come home at the go in the house, lock the door don't let nobody in, take me out to thought Young kid you, seven, eight years old, doing this, absolutely. So I'm a traditional dude, but I think that you can't really survive unless you really bring home the bag. If you two working class people, it's hard to survive.

Speaker 2:

You got kids and only one person working you know they hard, they hard on people behind this, this topic. You know what I mean and I always find it interesting to get different perspectives, especially you know people that are like 40s, 50s and on, because you know change is good man. But I think if you talk to a woman now, you know, especially like you know for Chanel, for example, like she's, she does really well for herself. You know she's ambitious. I don't, I don't think she would be like no, I'm not going to do nothing, like even if a dude came in because a lot of you know most women are like their go getters.

Speaker 2:

You know what I mean. Women can do so many amazing things. You know what I mean and you know not not just as far as getting money, but even from a relationship standpoint. So you know, for those that feel strongly about like no, you need to go basically kill yourself and we just we just it is really crazy that you know the traditional.

Speaker 3:

It's like a taboo word, but a lot of women they don't want to be traditional but they want the man still be traditional and that's crazy. I know that. I know of a situation where there was a guy working class guy, the only high school diploma had a wife. She wanted to keep up with the Joneses. So he's working three jobs to try to maintain this lifestyle for her and their kids. She never really worked and when she would work it would be a cashier job. She felt like I get, I get to keep all of my money. He was never home, he just ate there and slept there. He was always gone. He couldn't enjoy the kids and then meanwhile she's cheating. She's cheating her ass off and you know it came out and he was completely heartbroken. But it's like you put yourself in that situation.

Speaker 2:

How did he put himself in that situation?

Speaker 3:

Because he he bought into it A man supposed to provide. But my friend got a nice house, they got a nice car. Why you can't do less of a man. You're not a man. You can't, you can't get this for me.

Speaker 2:

Fought him, though. Do you fault him for that?

Speaker 3:

Yes, really yes, because are you serious or you're going to kill yourself.

Speaker 2:

But if that's, if that's what you're taught and that's what, that's what people instill, why would that person be a fault?

Speaker 3:

Where does common sense come in? You barely walk in. You got bad knees, you, you, you. Your quality of life is ass.

Speaker 2:

I agree with you as I agree Doesn't care, but is that a common sense thing though?

Speaker 3:

Yes, if you're hurting, if you're in pain, you don't want to be in pain.

Speaker 2:

But if nobody else is telling them different, if his woman ain't making them feel like that, mentally ill, you know.

Speaker 3:

You know your situation is as she doesn't care. This is the one person that's supposed to give a damn about you.

Speaker 2:

But does he know one else does? Does he know what if it was passed down? Because we all come from something, something's passed down. I do not.

Speaker 3:

The stupid shall be discussed and punished. This is life. Someone told me that my young and the stupid shall be punished. You can't walk around this world being stupid and then expect stupid stuff not to happen to you. How do you not know that you don't have a good quality of life? How do you not know that this person doesn't care, and not only you work in three jobs. He worked at a plant and he cut grass and he cleaned up buildings. She don't want to go help you clean the freaking buildings up and she's constantly brow beating you because you are not able to provide her a life that she feels like she deserves.

Speaker 2:

You know why he might not know why? Because his family passed it down. You know why else he might not know? Because ten of his closest partners are living the same exact way.

Speaker 3:

No, not even one. I know him.

Speaker 2:

In another situation, not that one, I'm just saying in another situation. If he's not able to like actually see that he may not know different. But if you're saying he had examples and people, that was speaking on that then I understand Because his family hated him.

Speaker 3:

They would constantly see it.

Speaker 2:

Then I understand that, but I'm asking you the message to the person that can't see that.

Speaker 1:

How do you not see it? It could be ego or pride. It could be something within him, maybe.

Speaker 3:

I'm different, I'm perceptive. I just can't see how.

Speaker 1:

Something they believe that they should provide. Like that is yeah, I believe I'm traditional in that.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, I do believe. I think that women women need to feel safe, men need to feel respected. I think if those two things are straight, that's the foundation of everything. So a woman should be feel safe. So you should be able to provide, but you can't kill yourself doing it.

Speaker 2:

How long was you with your first wife? Eleven years, eleven years. In that 11 years, did you feel like that was forever or did? Was there something that you saw At the beginning? At the beginning, I knew it was ass. I knew it was ass, so it was ass early.

Speaker 3:

But when you in the military, you deploy distance, trace fondness, we had to deal with it. And by the time I get back and then everything's I'm about to my head's about to explode. I deploy again.

Speaker 2:

So why was that okay for you to do that, but the guy who's in another situation I had relief.

Speaker 3:

Well, maybe his relief is worth a few dollars. Trust me, brother, my situation went like this.

Speaker 2:

I'm just asking because I'm not saying the specific details on the situation. I'm just saying in general, the mindset, because if what you're saying is what some I'm not saying is a bad thing, right, you're saying like, look, common sense got to kick in, you got to know better, like we can't keep doing it right, and where I'm going with it is for people that are in situations they ain't got no business being in. How do we escape from it becoming 11 years? Why can't it be seven? Why can't it be two?

Speaker 3:

Why can't I get what you said? And the only, the only, the only issues I can give you is that at the time, every time, it became unbearable.

Speaker 2:

I had a option.

Speaker 3:

I had a relief valve which was deployed, got you Okay, that's fair. That's fair, I think definitely the size of their.

Speaker 1:

Definitely, you know but was she working while you were deployed?

Speaker 3:

Sometimes, yes, sometimes.

Speaker 1:

So you was sending money in back, right, yeah, okay.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, it's the only money, hey it is what it is.

Speaker 1:

I want to go back to a comment you made. You said that you would never date a volatile. I want you to be more explicit about that statement.

Speaker 3:

If I'm 52, I don't do volatile people.

Speaker 1:

When you say volatile, what does that?

Speaker 3:

mean, though, people, unpredictable loose cannons. There's no reason for you to be a dud over 30 and be a loose cannon in this world. I don't understand those kind of people, especially dating those kind of people, and this goes for women and men. If you dating a man and you can't take him nowhere, you don't know what he's going to get bullied, or?

Speaker 2:

what he's going to say to people.

Speaker 3:

If you dating a woman and you can't take her places and she doesn't know how to move around in certain crowds and stuff like that. That's ridiculous to me.

Speaker 2:

It is ridiculous.

Speaker 3:

Why be with a person like that every time?

Speaker 2:

Because it's your safety and it's all those, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3:

Every time in my life when I've run up on a woman and we see each other and once I see that on you, I'm done, it doesn't even matter, you can be the best person in the world, and once I see that I ain't going to talk about it. That's crazy. That's crazy people stuff.

Speaker 2:

I think that's commendable, to be able to like stand on a boundary or whatever you put in place, but it goes back to my, my mom.

Speaker 3:

My mom was volatile and I watched my dad deal with that, I watched him navigate that and I always said I wasn't going to do that and I love my mom love my mom in pieces, but I wasn't going to deal with that.

Speaker 2:

I think so many people would be in a different place if they actually remembered a lot of their childhood experiences and what felt good and what didn't. But when we get back because we didn't finish talking about right, we spoke about mother, wife. But I just want to go back real quick because this is a heavy topic for so many and I know I got some things to say about this. For all you mothers or fathers that put your children before your partner, we're going to tap in when we get back. Relationships matter. The podcast.

Speaker 1:

Welcome back to relationships matter, the podcast. So, marvin, we were talking early about the, the, the wife, the spouse. Who comes first? The the spouse, the children or the mom? And I have a question as a single woman, right, looking for healthy relationship and in my forties you know most, when I was younger I always had this thing I wouldn't date men with children. But as you get older you realize Pickings and most times I mean at this age, if you don't have kids, then I feel like it's more of a commitment issue. That's my own opinion. But how do you manage, like if you were to involve yourself, josh, like with a man who has children, has children's? What baby mama's Cause? My issue has never been the children. I love children, like, love them. It's the, the baby mama. How do you manage that? When you got you got children baby mama, didn't you? How does that even work?

Speaker 2:

So I'll go, I'll go ahead and hang myself real quick, but I feel strongly about this. So and respectfully right, children are beautiful and precious and all of these things. They didn't ask to be here. But if you're committing to a person, right, that and again I don't get into the whole debate of, well, you gotta be a husband, you gotta be a wife. But if y'all living together at this point and y'all thinking seriously enough and the kids don't met this person and all that type of stuff, then in the order of the partner or your, your significant other or whatever you want to call that person, they should come first and foremost with the understanding and support, knowing that person. So in your situation it would be you know his relationship with the kids and whatever that looks like, but he has a real responsibility to make sure you know your importance. Period, period.

Speaker 2:

Like all this, the kids and me and whatever. It's not even a comparison thing. You are my partner, I have these kids right, and if you rocking with him, then you'll be supportive on what that looks like the day to day or whatever it is that y'all communicate that works for you all. But that doesn't and shouldn't take away from the importance of y'all's relationship, because you know what we just talked like. We spoke about so much and I want you to touch on it again during the break. So many people get lost, even if it's a let's just take a married couple. They got together and had two, three kids. That married couple would get lost if there's no order. So it ain't just like you got with somebody with kids or I got with somebody with kids or whatever. Like you can easily get lost. But I wanted you to touch on that because it is important. It's very, it's very important.

Speaker 3:

And I've been in your situation, you know, been single and been with somebody and just having to navigate that I would say that we are protectors of each other's heart, so it's that person, that man, has to protect you from the BS. I would never advise anybody to get into a relationship with a man who has a crazy baby mama and first place you should be able to peep that out. You know what I'm saying. That ain't for you. But if he does have a crazy baby mama, he's gonna be like I'm gonna be like I'm gonna be like he got to. He got to be the buffer he got to. You know, shield you from that madness, because it is hard. It is hard if you a person coming into a relationship, trying to establish a relationship with somebody and kids the kids are always, always there. Issues with the kids, issues with the kids. And then you gotta think too when is a good time to introduce your kids to a new person? People do that too fast.

Speaker 3:

I've been in relationship with somebody, trying to be in relationship with somebody, and she introduced them to kids too early. And then every time I come over there, it's a task. Who the hell am I, bob Vila, every time I come over there it's bunk beds gotta be put together Now. Next time I got a fixed skateboard. Who the hell am I? I'm Tony Hawk. Who am I?

Speaker 2:

You know what did that?

Speaker 3:

at. What am I doing? Now? I gotta chop down trees in the back yard. Now I'm Paul Bunyan, so what? I got a way a lot of hats to be over here and I don't even know about like you good. I don't even know about like you good yet, and now you putting the kids into it.

Speaker 3:

You know what I'm saying. So people, people do crazy stuff. And then go back to your point about the people being married. You, we know so many kids, so many people today who they put so much energy into the kids. They lose themselves. They ain't had a date night in 10 years because they always had dash recitals and they always had football practice and they always doing this. You know we need to go back a little bit to back in the day where daddy get the big piece of chicken, like it's a hierarchy in the house. You know what I'm saying. And the kids need to understand that. It's healthy for a child to see you putting your husband first. It's healthy for your children to see you putting your wife first, you know, because they, they know now.

Speaker 3:

They know how to navigate it when they get into relationships. Cause what's happening now? You put so much energy into these children, you overestimate the level of importance, you create a little narcissistic asshole and then you push them out into the world for the rest of us deal with.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, no, thank you.

Speaker 3:

And that's what we got.

Speaker 2:

What do you, what do you feel is a respectable time to make an intro in in a situation like Chanel was mentioning?

Speaker 3:

To bring the kids and introduce a new person to the kids. It depends on how you feel. You know when the time is right. You know I, I, I built a situation where I know I was seeing this young lady and she had kept a little girl away from from us and that was cool, cause again, I don't know if I like you yet and then she brought up, brought the little girl around and of course I'm the man. So I plan on a date. We're supposed to go to the movies and the fair and and and. Then we get to the fair and the little girl's precious the little pressure.

Speaker 3:

There I'm walking around, I'm winning all the things for and stuff like that, getting us stuff animals. Now I'm smart and I can peep some of them games you could cheat. So I didn't figure it out how to get around some of the stuff to cheat. When she peeped it she stopped everything, got on her knees down to the little girl. Say you see what he just did. He's wrong. Don't you ever do that? But you ever. Are you going to brow beat me in front of this child that you want me to make an impression for? I look at the little girl and I say to myself baby girl, that's the last time you ever see my face. That was done. I was done just off of that Cause. I'm not fit to deal with that. I'm not going to deal with that. I'm trying to win stuff for your child. I'm trying to get your child a good, great experience, and then you, brow, beat me in front of the child. You just show me what you about.

Speaker 1:

So I want to ask you cause I hear you say that, I heard you talk about your mom and what type of woman are you attracted to, like, describe the, the characteristic, the qualities? I just want to get an idea of what it is that you like.

Speaker 3:

I have always been attracted to women, and not in a sexual manner or a relationship manner. Women who are women, who are ladies. This era of extra masculine rah rah over the top, it don't do nothing for me at all. I just I can't get out with it because I just feel like in a relationship there's a man and there's a woman. I mean, you can't. Only one person has a penis here, so you gave okay, Two of us have a penis. I'm not gay.

Speaker 1:

I'm not gay. I don't mean to interrupt you, but you said so it's okay for the other side, Cause you saying, are you talking about in terms of dominance, no, no no, just people we have gotten away from.

Speaker 3:

Do you know? Do you know if somebody's nice to you, you're taking back the day you ever know? Is that how somebody do something nice for you? That's like oh wow, because we're so used to people being assholes. And it's like with women, for some reason, when you have a ass, I can't do it. I notice how you treat the person at the restaurant. If you're talking crazy to the staff, I notice how you you don't have empathy A woman. We require men to be providers. I feel like women are something that should be nurtured. If you don't have a nurturing bone in your body, I peep that. If you don't, if you see a baby, you don't be like, oh, if you don't, if some women ain't got that, they ain't got that gear, I peep that. I guess you know.

Speaker 1:

So I do another show with some ladies. I do a show with Vivica Fox, Selena Johnson and Kendra G and we were talking about like someone like I'm in my 40s, right, and they was talking about like alpha female and being aggressive. And really, for me, I've been forced to operate in that space Because I'm single, I'm not married, you know what I'm saying. So I got businesses that have to be ran, you know what I'm saying. And so one would say, oh, she's aggressive, but I have to be Like at this age I would love to just be soft and have someone come in and say I got it and I'm like cool, let me just sit back. But that just don't exist today in my world.

Speaker 3:

I understand At all and it goes back to trauma, it goes back to childhood. But I say like I watched my mom be that and I just it ain't said well with women. I watched my dad dealing with it and I just that's my thing, but I don't mean volatile, though, like, like you say rah, rah.

Speaker 1:

I don't mean that, but because when you say volatile, I mean are you, when you? I just I guess I need you to describe like, are you mean just just flipping over everything, tripping over everything, or just someone who's aggressive?

Speaker 3:

Everything is an attack. I'm going to stand up for myself. I'm going to show out in public. I'm going to show out in private. I'm not going to, I'm. I have no coot. I'm going to act, react react, react react, react.

Speaker 3:

That is crazy, Definitely trauma. We deal with that in society. It doesn't be a man or a woman cause I know men that act like that too and the woman's cause like baby, baby, calm down, baby, baby, calm down. That's crazy to me. When you deal with that, so you say who am I, who am I not attracted to? Is women that do that? I can't, I can't do it.

Speaker 1:

I understand you gave me a better like. I wanted you to kind of elaborate on what you mean when you said it. But I understand it's not going to be an alpha female, it's not going to be a strong woman.

Speaker 3:

It's the volatility. You know what I'm saying. What's that? I think Jay-Z got a line about knowing how to move in a room full of wolves.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, you got to know how to move, you know what I'm saying, but why do we associate strength with having to be aggressive in some type of way? Thank you, but we'll get back to that Cause. Miss Chanel Scott going to answer that I sure am.

Speaker 1:

The relationship's matter the podcast. Don't worry about it. Wait a minute. I was. I was simply saying Welcome back to relationships matter, the podcast. So, marvin, you had a question for me during the break and I want you to re-ask that question please.

Speaker 3:

My question is being in this industry, you know a time of industry do you find it more a necessity to be more aggressive, to protect yourself, to not get taken?

Speaker 1:

advantage of. So the answer is yes, and I've been on both sides coming into an industry with zero knowledge, just wanting my show to be picked up, Cause I organically or authentically just love having relationship talk, Like we will have this same conversation in my living room, it would be no different, right? And so, coming into it and not knowing you, dealing with sharks, right, who when they see blood, they come in for it, and I lost a lot because of the naivety, because of just being overly eager, I was told you're too naive, you too, you too nice, and I don't even think I'm that nice of a person. But in that moment, in that moment, you know, you eager, you think these people know, know more, know better. I mean, I want to learn, I'm teachable, so I have learned. And then not just just being a business on business, multiple business owner and you dealing with multiple personalities, A lot of people, cause there's a lot of people that assist me with doing what I do. You have to be, because if you, if you wasn't, nothing's going to get done. They going to do that person going to do what they want to do, Meanwhile you paying, you spending money, right, I'm one person. I tell people all the time. This is not a corporation. This is a solo pre-newer situation. You know, most people have partners and people who put in. No, that's not my story. So, and I'm passionate about the work. So a lot of times for me, people may say, well, she's overly aggressive or she's mean. No, I just want my business taken care of.

Speaker 1:

Now, if you engage me off of this set and we dealing with business, cool, I'm cool, I'm laid back, I don't have a whole lot to say and I'm going with the flow. I'm wanting to show where. I'm just telling and they tell me you don't talk and my team no, that's not true. But I don't have no responsibility. I'm cool, you know what I'm saying. That's not my responsibility to worry about how this is going to get. Take care, I'm just here to do a job, you know. But I have found you have to be, because people will run right over you. You'll find yourself doing something that you don't want to do because people are pushing you, pushing you, pushing you. So I have found that, yes, you can't you be respectful. Respect is important, but you're not going to always be because I'll always be polite. It just isn't.

Speaker 1:

I've had, I've had, I've gone through probably four or five assistants because they get close to me and, like I said, I'm cool. When we not working and they take that for something else, they start doing what they want to do and it gets to the point where I didn't even want an assistant. No more. I'm like I'm good, I can do it myself. Well, I got enough people on my team that have other responsibilities that can just jump in. Quincy, can you zip my dress? It got to that because I didn't want that, Because I'm like this, because it makes me be something that I don't necessarily want to be. But when people take advantage because they don't know how to balance, it's about balance. You know, Can I? You know what I'm saying. You can't, you can't show all aspects of yourself for fear of somebody taking advantage.

Speaker 2:

So what I heard was that, for example, in regards to a specific business, you came in, we're very passionate and you were learning. Therefore, you didn't have the knowledge that you had now.

Speaker 1:

Right.

Speaker 2:

But again, it has nothing to do with being a shark or somebody that has to stand on an aggressive type of stance.

Speaker 1:

I think had I been then they wouldn't have tried it in the first place. They saw that eager like for me. I was like, even if I had questions, I would just say, cause they know more than me, I'll be like, okay, well, let's see, even if I had some hesitation, because I don't know and you gotta trust somebody, you got to be able to trust someone and for me I didn't have anybody in my circle who really had my best interest at hand, and the people who did have my best interest at hand didn't have all the details or the knowledge to even be able to advise me on what to do and what not to do, because information was being kept back. So I was really like at one point I had a team of about 30 people but I felt alone. I'm in a room with 30 people and I feel like I'm by myself.

Speaker 2:

So where I was going with that and, marvie, you can go ahead afterwards is if we all cause, this is an example that everybody can take something from. But when you're educated on something and you have that knowledge, you don't have to be aggressive. It's just, basically, you know and you learn and you're able to articulate things in a different way so that people know that they don't have to play with you, because my thing is and again, it's no knock, like if that's what works for you, great, I'm not here to knock that.

Speaker 1:

It works for me.

Speaker 2:

I mean Okay it do, but it might work for you personally right, but as far as other things. Maybe maybe not, maybe I don't know, but all I'm saying is I don't think that's the end-all be-all because of that type of message Like you don't have to be that type of person in order to get business done. You don't have to be a super aggressive person to stand on business.

Speaker 1:

Well, what I have done to avoid being that is I just hire people who are passionate about what they do, so I don't have to talk to you, cause I'm not, no, like a micro manager. I like people who, when they get their responsibility, they do taste it, but they don't need me to tell them what to do. I don't like working with people who I got to be on your back constantly.

Speaker 3:

I gotta keep speaking to you. Well, some of us got bad nerves and people get crazy, so you know, you gotta know your limitations and stuff like that and how to write people to deal with people. I think where the problem comes in with you. If you super have to be super aggressive at your job and then you bring that home, you gotta separate the two. You can't bring it home.

Speaker 1:

I agree.

Speaker 3:

It'll be a.

Speaker 1:

I agree with you with that. So that's why I said, if you engage me, like if you would engage me in business, you might say, wow, she's firm or she's aggressive, but when you engage me off this set, it's gonna be different, right. When I go home, I'm in my house by myself, so no one really knows me in my home life like that right, where it's peace and not a whole lot of chaos going on or a whole lot of this and that.

Speaker 3:

I've had supervisors or mentors that have many different styles. Some of them have been aggressive. They get the job done. Some of them have been very subtle, very, you know, they educate themselves to where there's no doubt that they're the smartest person in the room and they're very calm. There's different type of leadership style, so if that works for you, then that you know and I'm not aggressive just off the bat.

Speaker 1:

Like if you have to make me step into that space, then you've already violated several times. Like, just to just communicate with you, just off the bat, I'm not aggressive. But if you see me being aggressive, you've already crossed the line multiple times. And now I'm fed up because one of the things about me I'm passionate about the people that work with me. I love the people that work with me. So most times if I'm talking to you, then I'm trying to give you a chance. When I stop talking and I'm, that's when it's probably done.

Speaker 3:

Let me answer this. Hey, this is probably a little bit out of topic but just listening, and I'm in the middle of it. Who's been your best bosses in your life Women or men?

Speaker 1:

Hmm, men, because men know how to. They know how to engage me. It's no competition, there's no intimidating factor there. I stand six foot one to. That's been a challenge in the workplace even before getting into this business. I stand six foot one. Most women are shorter than I am Right. So you got that. If I have opened my mouth, you've already sized me up. But my best bosses have been men because, like most of my team, like I got a few women but my team is men, it has been like I got one main right hand. You know, and as you know, we have our moments, we talk about it, we move on. They don't hold on to it.

Speaker 3:

Women hold on to it. Men bosses been aggressive, no.

Speaker 1:

No, because they know how to. We know how to talk to each other. It's usually what the women is like they challenge, or it's an intimidating factor. I got to show you something in me. I have never been the type of person because I'm confident in who I am. I don't do all that. You know what I'm saying. I'm confident in the space that I operate in, but most time dealing with women is more of an intimidating factor, or I got to show you and you know, like what you're saying about.

Speaker 3:

You know taking home, taking the aggression home, separated from Back to what we were talking about, about. You know the separation between who's important, more important to mom or the kid or the wife. You know a lot of people that I know won't put situation in particular. When I go back to the gazebo story, the mother was the boss at our job and she would bring that aggression and I got to be in control as she will bring it home and she would dominate her son and so he just accepted it over the years and the wife would have a problem with it and the mother could not turn it off. She could not turn it off. You know what I'm saying.

Speaker 3:

And then he, for whatever reason, could not control the back and forth between his mom and his wife because his wife was an alpha and his mom was an alpha. But the mom had this she was a short laid out I don't know if it was Napoleon complex or what, but she was just just my way out of how it is my son. She actually told the woman I knew him before you. She told the wife that I knew him before you, which that has nothing to do with nothing. But you know relationships can be tough. You know you definitely have to separate your your at work persona from your family persona. It could destroy your situation.

Speaker 1:

So, do you think? Because I was interested in your stance on the volatility of a woman. That's where I was going with the conversation.

Speaker 3:

I don't want to. Men are problem too.

Speaker 1:

Because, I mean, it's like sometimes people say, well, they're volatile, volatile and not necessarily. You know, everybody has their own way of community. It doesn't have to be right All over the place and doing all those different things. But that's where I was going with the conversation. So I think, in that that story in particular that you're speaking of, the boundaries have been set and obviously it seemed like he operated. He married someone who was just as domineering as his mother.

Speaker 3:

She took it as long as she could. And when the mom started barking at her and he hadn't told the mom that he had lost his job, she had enough and she stepped in and got in the mom's ass real quick, you know, and that, but she took it. She took it as long as she can, but I'm not going to be a doormat on the for so long.

Speaker 1:

Absolutely.

Speaker 3:

And it created a wedge between them because his mom didn't know he was fired and she revealed that and he was embarrassed about that. You know that's his fault. He should have got his mom straight.

Speaker 1:

I'm going to be talking to your wife crazy. Yeah, that's for sure. And the fact that he was out of work and still trying to perform, yeah, I don't agree with that.

Speaker 3:

Because Ebo should have never been built. You don't have a job Negro, so just keep it in her buck. You are your ball. I think I'll save it.

Speaker 2:

No for sure.

Speaker 2:

I think.

Speaker 2:

For me, in all relationships, you know, it starts with the individual and them knowing who they are, because there's so much power in that, because of the more you know about yourself, then you're able to navigate all these different relationships in your life and to be able to stand on business and do it in a way where everybody can receive that Right.

Speaker 2:

So when we talked about you know this, this choice, you know whether it's the wife, the mom, the dad, the whomever you know, at the end of the day, if people know where they're at and they're comfortable with that, it should not matter, because love should not be a comparison or a competitive thing, right? So, and because of that, that's what creates a lot of attention in these households and in these relationships, slash community, because family, you know again, all in all, this is all a part of community. So you know your perspective. You know Chanel made a lot of really good points and just hoping that people can take away something powerful. You know, because the conversation, even though we started with that, it took us on a tour, because you know, that's typically how relationships work too.

Speaker 2:

You know what I mean. We can start one place and end in another place, but I also think that's the beauty of it. You know what I'm saying. So, Marvin, thank you for coming in and just want to give you a flower. I'm going to give you a flower, a dope man, a dope husband, a dope father all the things that you do and continue to do, and you have a gift, right, A unique gift, because you make people laugh, you make people smile, you make people feel good and you know words can't express how much that's needed in the world today. You know how much love, you know how much positivity. So thank you for taking the time to pull up on us today. Amazing conversation. Again, salute to you and all that you're doing, and you know you're part of this RM family and we appreciate y'all. Until next time, y'all, make sure y'all check my dog out. Give me your Instagram.

Speaker 3:

Get that man on Instagram at comedian Marvin H1. That's comedian Marvin H1 on Instagram and comedian Marvin H1 on TikTok and Marvin Hunters fan page on Facebook and get at me, because I keep having to rebuild my page because they keep taking my page, so it's just ridiculous. But anyway, find a boy.

Speaker 2:

And my boy getting major business. He coming in pulling up on your city, great shows, the whole thing, man. But we support everything that you're doing and we appreciate you. We are signing out. Man Relationships matter. The podcast.

Speaker 1:

Until next time.