Relationships Matter Live
Chanel Scott and Josh Powell Unlock the Secrets of Successful Relationships, One Conversation at a Time.
Opposing experiences, a single woman and a married man, Chanel Scott, and Josh Powell, create a powerful and empathetic team, offering valuable insights and advice on navigating the complexities of romantic relationships and promoting healthier, more fulfilling connections.
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Relationships Matter Live
He Leads, She Reigns with Special Guest Turquoise Barney
From pimping culture to marriage culture, join us on "Relationships Matter" as Turquoise Barney, aka Her500, gives us a peak behind the blue curtain. From transforming her relationship expectations, to tackling the challenges of dating as a single mom, and mastering the are of co-parenting harmoniously. Her story is one of building trust, setting boundaries, and creating a supportive, healthy home where she reigns supreme.
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//BOOKS
Relationships Matter by Chanel Scott
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Opposing experiences, a single woman and a married man, Chanel Scott, and Josh Powell, create a powerful and empathetic team, offering valuable insights and advice on navigating the complexities of romantic relationships and promoting healthier, more fulfilling connections.
Join Chanel and Josh as they unlock the secrets of successful relationships one conversation at a time.
I never wanted to be married. I never desired marriage. Like I said, I don't come from that. I didn't see that. I didn't see healthy relationships. And then the relationships I did see growing up, I didn't want to be a part of that and, just to be completely honest, I've always had infidelity issues in relationships before because I'm like I'm you know you say about to bounce out on me or cheat on me or you know what I mean. Like that was my brain, like you know what I mean. Look out for myself, always be about myself, look out for myself. And when I met him, that completely changed.
Speaker 3:Relationships matter. I need you to understand Relationships matter.
Speaker 4:Welcome to Relationships Matter. I'm Chanel Scott.
Speaker 2:And I am Josh Powell.
Speaker 4:And we have an amazing guest with us here today, ms Tori Course Barney. Yes, welcome to Relationships Matter. We're so happy to have you.
Speaker 1:Thank you guys for having me. Absolutely yes.
Speaker 4:So we're going to jump right in. Okay, you know I've already been talking to you about your relationship, so we're going to talk all things relationship. But my first question to you is going to be why do relationships matter to you?
Speaker 1:Because I feel like relationships are the foundation to everything you know, whether it's an intimate relationship with your partner, whether it's a friendship, whether it's a relationship that you have with your family members, relatives, things like that. I just feel like they set the foundation for your life and how you operate in your daily life, or how you converse with other people, or the types of relationships that you're able to build with other people.
Speaker 2:Being from from northern california. Can you talk a little bit about the differences and maybe some cultural things or some family traditional things that you know how you were raised and how you view relationship?
Speaker 1:so crazy as it is being raised in california, from what I see, versus living here, we had tradition. We don't have any culture. It doesn't exist, even for traditional things that have went on in past time. Like we don't, we weren't raised like that and I always tell people like we it's like a more liberal sense, like we just do what we do, like there's no structure, there's no ordinance, there's no nothing when it comes to family units or relationships and things like that.
Speaker 1:Like I told you before, I don't I don't, I don't have a lot of married friends there or people who are in healthy relationships per se, but when coming here, it's just completely different to be married as a culture. There's a culture of married people here, um, people in relationships, even going out to, like you know, and bars, nightlifes to see couples together. In California we don't see none of that. We go out with our friends. You know what I mean. And still today, I left there in 2016 and it's still the same. Like you know, it's cliquish with my friends, it's not. Oh, we're having couples dates or couples nights and things like that. It's I'm not saying it doesn't exist there, but, from what I was around there versus here, completely different yeah, I think it's a southern, a southern culture.
Speaker 4:Yeah, I think the goal here is to be married. Yeah, you know what I'm saying? People, they aspire to be married. They look at other people. Now you have social media and you see relationships. You're like you know it's normal, it's normal it's.
Speaker 1:It's normalized here and it's so crazy because me and my husband aren't from here. So when we see it, we like, we're like, okay, well, this is what people do here, this is what you're supposed to do. We both come from married parents but they've had toxic, broken relationships. You know my dad was married to my mom for 11 years and you know they were both, you know, drug addicts and you know, born in the eighties and things like that. Even his mom like she was married to her husband twice divorced him twice both toxic relationships. So we don't know healthy forms of marriage or even being in a relationship. It was really hard work for us because we don't come from that. We didn't have friends who were like that until we got here and it was just a game changer, like, ok, this is what we're supposed to do and this is what we want to do. We just didn't know how to do it, if that makes sense or if it was right to do.
Speaker 2:Why don't real quick? Why don't why? Why, why?
Speaker 1:don't you see, uh, as many married couples in, like where you're from. You know, like I told you before, it's pimping main out there. You know it's like a, a, a pimping whole culture out there, unfortunately, like or, you know I'm gonna use this language, I'm sorry, but you know I'm from California, but men feel like it's, you know they'll say aob, you know all on a female. You know what I mean. Like their livelihood and how they survive is off of a female. It's common there. Aob yeah, the b word, yeah, so it's all on a female. When I say pimping culture, it's just not I'm a pimp, it's how, how they construct their lives and how they survive. And I only know probably two men in my life out there who are married with women and and they take care of their women. Other than that, women take care of the men. Yes, wow, and it's common, and I don't care what nobody tells you, that's common in northern california because that's where so you know I'm gonna get in your business because your husband, marcus barney, aka him 500.
Speaker 4:Yeah, how did you guys connect with that culture like?
Speaker 1:Like, like I said, it was hard for us and you know, to the core, like you know, Marcus is still a nigga, but you know, when we kind of. So that's how our situation kind of started off. You know he was like well, I want to be in a relationship. I just got out of a relationship. I'm like, well, I'm not looking for one either, so we can just have fun. Like this is, this is just what we're going to do.
Speaker 1:As I told you, we had a travel ship because he was already living here, so he would go back and forth because we're from the same place, so his family's there. So I was like, okay, well, we would meet up in places. Like our first date was in Houston, texas, cause we're like, let's go to a place where he never really been before I've been to, you know, vegas. We drive to Vegas, it's a cheap flight. All the time I was like I've been to Arizona, you know Washington. I was like I haven't really been to Texas yet. He was like well, I ain't really been to Texas yet either. So we met there. That was our first date and after that we kind of hit it off. So a year later I just kind of noticed that I was like man, he's just taking up a lot of my time, like he required so much from me, but we're not in a relationship. And then I got tired of explaining myself, like you know what I mean.
Speaker 2:Once again, the mentality that we come from like look, look, we didn't. You know, have you ever participated in the pimping culture?
Speaker 1:Absolutely not, absolutely not. I was raised by a man. I was raised by a man. I was raised by my father. I didn't have a mother, so I was raised by my father, and literally everyone that I did know, or everyone that was a friend of mine, didn't have a father. So I just felt like and for a lot, a lot of my growing up, I felt like I did things to please my father. So I knew that that's something that would disappoint him. And, plus, I wasn't never like I didn't come from. I didn't come from a poverty stricken household. I just came from a poverty stricken environment because my dad didn't know any better. You know what I mean. But he had a good job. You know, he made good money. We just live like we did in an area like we didn't, if that makes sense. So, no, never, never desired to, and they was always getting beat up and stuff. What happened over here?
Speaker 2:you didn't feel like explaining yourself, but do you think that's because there was probably the assumption or what was the explaining part that you said you didn't feel like getting into?
Speaker 1:explaining what I was doing, why I was doing it where I was going. It was like we're in a relationship. So I'm like, okay, well, if this is what you want, I'm open to it. I want to be in a relationship because you're taking up a lot of my time. Like you know what I mean. Like we would. It will be all night, we'll be all night on the phone or all day texting, or you know where are you at, what you're doing, and vice versa.
Speaker 1:I was doing it to him too. I can't just make it seem like it was just him. So we were kind of doing it to each other and I was like man, this feels like a relationship. Like I feel like, yeah, you know what I mean. So it's like. When that time came, when I was like, ok, well, this is what we're doing, he was like no, I told you I don't want to be in a relationship. And I was like well, if you don't want to be in a relationship, then we can't move on or continue forward. So I blocked him for maybe about five days. Then he emailed me because that's the only way he can get in touch with me.
Speaker 4:It was like we need to talk and then we established a relationship from there. So he gave in in five days. Five days because I'm like he knew with that little five days, men always do what they want.
Speaker 1:But I just feel like you know that word relationship means that I have to give so much of myself that I'm probably not ready for you know what I mean. And I don't know. And plus, I had a child at the time too. So for us to be in a relationship, it's like you have to be a part of this. You know what I mean and I just think realistically that's something that he didn't want and he just said he wanted to be in a relationship so he wouldn't lose me. Because it was. It was shitty at first. You know what I mean. Like it was real rocky. You know what I mean. So I saw the changes, you know. You see the red flags and stuff and I'm like, oh, you just know, when somebody really doesn't want it and it was like I kind of forced it because of the position he was putting me in like right, we're in a relationship. Like you know, you're requiring so much from me. You know what I mean and I can only give it to you if we're in a relationship right, so that's.
Speaker 4:That's pretty much how it happened. I was gonna say how did you manage the distance, though, like even with him being over, you on the east coast and you on the west? Like I said, we're on the phone a lot.
Speaker 1:you know, we talked a lot like when I because I was in college, so like I would just go to school, come home and take care of my child, that's it.
Speaker 1:But other than that, like we're on the phone a lot texting, a lot FaceTime, and I'm like you know you're taking a lot of my time, like even on weekends too, because that was the thing. Like we had a rule we wouldn't talk on the weekends, that was just a rule. Like you know, we're not, we're not together. You know what I mean. We're not, you know we're not talking on the weekends. Then he start calling me on Fridays and Saturdays and I'm like, oh my god, once again my mentality, my northern California mentality, was like, look, if we're going to do this, this has to be where we're going to be at but the video I saw.
Speaker 4:Did he not have a girlfriend? Yeah, yeah, okay, he did. And when you got knowledge of that, how did you deal?
Speaker 1:with that. We didn't talk anymore. Yeah, we didn't talk anymore. And then he was like you know what, I'm not really feeling her. I dumped her, woo-woo, this. But you know women, you know we're detectives, you know at 100%. So I was like, well, she just uploaded this picture, you know, of you guys. Like I said, it was just real rocky, you know what I mean, like in the beginning. So it wasn't, you know, it wasn't anything that him or I wanted. That's why I said distance worked until it didn't. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so when we get back definitely want to take a quick left because you mentioned prior already being a mother and just wanting to see what that feels like to allow somebody in your space, in your child's space, because I know that's a big deal, yeah, for anybody. When we get back, relationships matter welcome back to relationships matter.
Speaker 4:so before we went to break, we were talking about your whole dating experience with Mr Marcus Barney, who is now in the house. I got to put that out there. He snuck up on us. But I want to talk about you just being a mom and dating. What did?
Speaker 1:that look like it was scary. My daughter has never met any man because she had an active family like her father and his family. They're very active in her life and, plus, I was raised by my father. I've I've never been introduced well to one woman besides my mother. So just, first off, she's a little girl, right. First off, she's a little girl, right. So I just think I can't have anybody else that have any type of influence around my child. You know what I mean, because she has a father. So I would never, nobody's ever, met her.
Speaker 1:Like, marcus is the only one who met her, and how he met her was because, as we were dating, when he would come to California and visit I would always make sure that she was gone. And obviously, because I don't, you know, we're just dating, I don't know if you're going to be here, I don't want to introduce her to you, I don't want her asking you know where's that man? You know what I mean, because I just know how uncomfortable it would make me to explain it to her, like mommy's dating. Then here comes, whatever the case may be. So I remember one day he said how come you never bring your daughter around? And I didn't say anything, I just remained quiet and he said if you don't bring her around, our relationship is not real.
Speaker 2:Wow.
Speaker 1:Oh, definitely put me all in my place. So I'm like you know, I mean I sat long and hard, I even pray, I prayed about it. I'm like you know, I mean I sat long and hard, I even pray, I prayed about it. I'm like you know what, lord? Um, I hope I'm doing the right thing. And I remember the first time we he met her. We went to go pick her up and she just stood there quiet, like you know who's this man, do you know what I mean? I was like karma, this is Marcus. You know Marcus, this karma, and he's very good with kids, very playful and things like that.
Speaker 1:But still, like for a long time, even when we moved here together, like that was scary for me. You know what I mean, because this is my daughter, like this is, I'll live for her as well as die for her. You know what I mean. So it was hard, it was tough, but it I just had to trust. I had to trust God. That's the only person who you know, who kept me sane even when I had to go to work and he had to watch her. It made me so uncomfortable still to leave my daughter with somebody she may see still as a stranger, because she has a father. You know what I mean. So, but we good now, it's good now.
Speaker 2:How was the dynamic between cause? You said the dad is still present. Yeah, ok so how's that dynamic then, with your husband and him, her father?
Speaker 1:Oh, it's good, you know, because Marcus is good with everybody or he'll make it good.
Speaker 3:You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:You know what?
Speaker 3:I mean.
Speaker 2:A lot of times you don't hear the positivity of parenting or co-parenting. Right, we want to label it. So that's why I just wanted to ask to kind of see what that dynamic looks like because people typically get in their feelings. I get it but I don't agree with it because they don't want. You know, it's like they feel like they're losing control or something like that, and it's like no, if it's really about the child.
Speaker 2:it's about the child and they feel like they're losing control or something like that and it's like no, if it's really about the child.
Speaker 1:It's about the child.
Speaker 1:And I feel like that's where things go toxic because you're, honestly you're, you're still attached to the person. You know what I mean, whether you want to acknowledge it or not, because if it, if you weren't, it wouldn't even matter. It just becomes about the child. When I left, my child's father, that was it. Like that was all, like we're just done. So anybody else who came after it's like I don't, you know, I don't give a damn what you do. I hope you don't give a damn what I do. Like this is just what we're doing.
Speaker 1:But Marcus invites him out for, like father's day you know they had a father's day trip together my baby's birthday. Like he's a completely, you know different animal because of me. But if I said no f him, we, we, you know, then Marcus would be like okay, well, it's whatever you say, whatever you want to do, I'm with you, but I'm okay with that. I want that because I want it for my daughter. You know what I mean, because we weren't raised with that. You know what I mean. Or around that, or we seen the toxic. I'm like I can't, I don't want, or I try my best not to project those, those instances on my child. You know what I mean and it may be a little overbearing, you know, for her, because I'm trying so hard to not be that. So it's like a push for what we don't have or what we haven't seen or what I feel you you know may be right and and they have a okay relationship. Like he asked to come to Marcus's birthday parties and stuff. So it's good and my daughter sees it and she loves it.
Speaker 1:You know she loves her father. I love the way she loves her father. I love the way daughters love their fathers, because I was raised by mine, so I just know how it is. Um, and the way she loves Marcus is like it's, it's. It's no denying that we're, we're in a good space there. That's that I can say is that we've always been in a good space. And plus, you know he don't bother me. As long as he don't bother me, I don't bother him. I just, you know we're okay.
Speaker 2:Remember how we spoke, you know, prior to even cutting the cameras on. Like it's moments like that where I have a huge level of appreciation because I have to live through people. You know what I'm saying. I have multiple children and my dynamic and all of that. But to hear a woman say I love how my daughter loves her father and that type of respect, and for me to experience what I'm experiencing on my end and it's like man, like it, just it still gives. Granted, I know that things could change, of course, you know I understand all of that, but it still gives a little bit of hope.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you know what I mean Because my overall experience has been extremely challenging.
Speaker 2:Extremely challenging is the most politically correct way that I can say that.
Speaker 2:So for me it's refreshing. Yeah, you know what I mean To see that type of dynamic and that type of respect and you've already mentioned, like you know, I don't come from that. So my question would be to transition like where, where do you get that foundation? You know what I mean. Like where, where, where do you and marcus feel like you know we're gonna do healthy? We didn't see it, but it can be done. Like where, where does that come from? Because I'm trying to erase anybody's excuse yeah, yeah this is how I grew up.
Speaker 1:This is what it is like. No, I always say that's bullshit.
Speaker 1:Anyway, excuse me yeah no, I always say that's bullshit anyways, because I can't, you know, blame my upbringing for my actions that I have bestowed on me today. Or you know what? You know, I'm killing niggas because all I saw was murder. You know what I mean. Like there's no to say that you're reactive to that. Something that happened to you 15, 20 years ago or from what you saw, you know is ridiculous.
Speaker 1:But I feel like for us, like we talk about the things that we want and we try to work towards that, whether it works or not, we, we try to work on that and you know, sometimes we're not the best at it. We do have failing and trying times. You know what I mean. We always have them. But the one thing I can say we do is that we keep trying, like we haven't given up yet, like we know, okay, we shouldn't be doing this, or we said we were going to try to do this, even if it lasts for two weeks. You know what I mean and then the next week we write back at it again. We, like, you know what we fucked up. You know what I mean and it's acknowledgement and accept and being accountable. I think that's one thing that we try to do, because lord knows it's hard to look at yourself in the mirror, but hold ourselves accountable for who we are in the relationship, the relationships with ourselves, the relationships with our families, our children, everything. He corrects me on a lot of things, I correct him on things and we at least try to take it in. You know what I mean, for for what we can.
Speaker 1:Like I said, it don't work all the time, but the most part we say, look, these are the two types of people like, even coming in this, we said we wanted a partnership, not a dictatorship. Right, I never wanted to be married. I I never desired marriage. Like I said, I don't come from that. I didn't see that. I didn't see healthy relationships. And then the relationships I did see growing up, I didn't want to be a part of that and, just to be completely honest, I've always had infidelity issues in relationships before. Because I'm like I'm, you know, you know you say about to bounce out on me or cheat on me or you know what I mean. Like that was my brain, like you know what I mean look out for myself, always be about myself, look out for myself. And when I met him, that completely changed. Like all of that just went away. When I say he was my knight in shining armor, like everything, every test I've given him he's passed, I mean literally just broke me down to the core. You gotta tell me about the test.
Speaker 4:So before moving to tell me about the test.
Speaker 1:So before moving here, this was the biggest one. Okay, so before moving here, because he asked me to move here because I was moving to Vegas, well, I was already staying in Vegas and he was like, well, why don't you come move here? I was like, well, I don't know. You know that's away from my daddy, you know what I mean. Like it's far. And I was like, look, I'll give you two weeks to look for a place if you don't find us a place in two weeks, because I'm not moving in with anybody. So if you don't find us a place in two weeks, then I guess it just wasn't meant to be.
Speaker 4:oh, that was a hard one. You thought he was gonna fail, oh girl.
Speaker 1:I was hoping he fell. I was hoping he fell. Literally no, in a week he was like yep, I found this place. He looked up the location, the school districts. My baby was barely in preschool at the time, she was three years old. He looked up the school districts areas. I worked for Kaiser at the time. It was a Kaiser right across the street in Duluth. I worked for Kaiser at the time. It was a Kaiser right across the street in Duluth. Like literally everything he looked for was to accommodate me and my life. His family lived clear across Georgia, on the other side and I'm like well, why wouldn't you? You know the help is over there. Like well, he was like no, here's right here, here's Kaiser, here, the schools for karma. Like everything was legitimately to accommodate me. So I couldn't say no, I didn't have any excuse.
Speaker 1:So, that put me to the test, like literally, like my bags was packed up to go to Vegas. I was that way, but I moved here. I remember I moved here April 19th 2016. And my truck got got here and I remember I didn't unpack my stuff for about three months. I left my stuff in boxes just in case it didn't work out.
Speaker 1:Wow, yeah, because I was still scared and fearful, like I know this man, but I don't know this man like that, like I don't know. Like we've been back and forth, we visited, we did, we did things, but there's no, it's different when you live with somebody. You know what I mean. So even that and I was like my daughter's here, even her family asked her to stay. They was like, why don't you let her stay until you get your stuff together? But I'm like who leaves their children? Right, you know what I mean? Like as tempting as that was, cause I'm like, okay, we're going to a new place, a new area, with a new man. If it don't work out, he could be a serial killer. I mean he could be a woman beater. I mean he can be all kinds of things. You know what I mean. And then I bring my daughter into this space and then she has trauma forever, cause she'll never forget it. So I'm like you know what?
Speaker 2:like, literally, faith brought me here, like God brought me here so I'm glad that you're speaking on that because, for one, I hope that a lot of people are as careful yeah, what I mean and strategic in regards to their movement, and it shouldn't take a child to create that type of, you know, character in a person. But when we get back, I do want to talk to you about, because you mentioned again growing up, seeing toxic, you know, and then y'all are building this healthy dynamic. But even though y'all are growing and on your journeys, when we get back, what are some of the things you had to check him on? And vice versa, when you get back, relationships matter.
Speaker 4:Welcome back to Relationships Matter. So before we get into this next segment, I just want to say I know that we talked early about your daughter and the expectations that you set. You're like I don't need a man for that. I'm cool with me, and that's what I hear exuding from you. I'm okay with me. I don't need to be validated through a man or I don't have to live vicariously through a relationship if it's just me, right, I'm cool with me, even to the extent you said I even in the video we talked about it on the last segment you talked about she has a father, right? You know what I'm saying. Like, I want to make that clear up front, that she has a father. I want to acknowledge that she has a father, even though they have a beautiful relationship. I get I get privy to it watching some of Marcus's videos with her. I get to see that and I love their dynamic. But the fact that you can still say, well, she has an active father in her life and I'm not trying to replace him.
Speaker 4:I just want to pull that out on the show for whoever is watching, for that to be the example. So I have to say that. So now I wish I could be as confident, like the confidence that's exuding from that chair. Yeah, I'm just in awe. That's why I'm just sitting here doing like this, that's why I'm not saying anything. I'm like she know who she is and we can learn a lot from that as a woman.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 4:But, josh, I want to talk about this whole idea of he checks you on some things and you check him on some things. What exactly does that look like?
Speaker 2:You say accountability accountability with our people, but you hold him accountable? Certain lingo.
Speaker 3:They feel like it's like oh my.
Speaker 2:God, it's just an accountability piece, because you mentioned that you both do that with each other. So what are?
Speaker 3:what are?
Speaker 2:some examples of what that looks like from you and from them.
Speaker 1:I don't know if you would call this accountability, but we know we both have like operating roles in this relationship and in our household primarily in our household and there'll be times when you know we get in tobaccos or disagreements and I won't fulfill them because I've gotten an attitude and my energy just isn't there. And so we had a conversation the day before yesterday. He was like look, look, do you see what you do when you get an attitude or you becoming your feelings? I won't get no breakfast. You won't help me pack my bag, you won't help me do this.
Speaker 1:You will help me do that like you know, and and he's right, because I couldn't even. There was no rebuttal. You know what I mean. Like no, you lying. You know what I mean. Like it was none of that, it was like. You know, you right. So those are some of the things that I try to hold myself accountable or be aware of, like when we are in a disagreement or something like that. Like you know, turk, you know that you have to do this, or you know this is something that you have been doing, so continue to do it. You know what I mean. Like just stuff, like that. It's nothing, let me see. I mean, I have to check him all the time, so you know, men don't never get it right.
Speaker 2:So you know, men don't never get it right.
Speaker 1:What is that? Like you know, like Marcus travels a lot, right, and you know, half of the time I haven't figured out or know where he's going, until he said book my ticket, or something like that, and I was like, well, you didn't tell me. He was like, well, you just booked my ticket. And I was like, well, what is it? Where are you going? What are you doing? It's just how he's used to operating. But it's like um continuously happened to repeat myself like talk to me about these things, so things like that. And I feel like, especially in the beginning, he felt like I was trying to control him and it's like no, I'm not trying to control you. We're in a relationship. Why wouldn't you want me to know those things? Like, why isn't that something that we can talk about? You know what I mean. Like why? Well, because you already know, or you seen it on Instagram. I seen it on Instagram. Yeah, I seen you as going to all three places on these three dates. Like, did you ask if I had anything planned or were we doing anything? So he's gotten a lot better. Like the checking isn't really checking anymore. You know what I mean. As we grow, of course, things change and things like that.
Speaker 1:But I feel like, for the most part, like we know better or we know what we do intentionally. You know what I mean, especially if something's being done on purpose, like I tell Marcus, look, you stay out past midnight, it's an issue. So if something's going on we having a tobacco he'll come at like 12, 30 and I know it's on purpose. You know what I mean. Like it's to piss me off. Yeah, petty, him has grown up a lot, but I know that that's something that, like, he'll intentionally do and I'm like, look, it's unfair, like we both have boundaries, we not even set rules. But it's respect. You know what I mean and, respectfully, this is something that I'm asking for and, respectively, respectively, whatever you ask for, like I have to exert that. You know what I mean. If I don't, then it becomes a problem. But you're aware, because I've communicated this with you, just like I'm aware and you've communicated certain things with me, you know what I mean. So those are the things. It's always petty petty.
Speaker 2:So I got a. I got an interesting question. I was just thinking about listening to you talk. Y'all are both extremely successful. Do you find it difficult to operate in your relationship where you take that hat off? You take that hat off because a lot of times people right they they're used to operating in their workspace and they bring that home right. Is that a big issue for you all? Yes, if so, how do y'all navigate in that space?
Speaker 1:it's more of an issue for him than me. Okay, because I'm always operating in the home. My work I do is at home, unless I go to the office, but other than that, the majority of my work is done at home. So, regardless, I'm still operating in this space of nurture, love, care. Everything is in here. The household doesn't run without me, him. He comes in and it's a lot of times it's talking about the business, talking about what's going on, or dead silence, because I know that he's given so much to everybody else, sometimes there's nothing left for me. You know what I mean. So a lot of times I give him that space, but other times, like you know, damn, I have to start a fight to get your attention. You know what I mean sometimes. You know what I mean and we're working on it, but it's's still like that.
Speaker 1:Sometimes we it's it's hard for, like I said, for him, because that's the space that he operates in day in and day out. He doesn't take the time and say you know what, from five to 10, none of that. You know what I mean. It's like this has become. It's a part of who he is, know what I mean. So turning it off it'd have to be forced, like this saturday we just went to the park, like piedmont park, and just laid there with a blanket, no phones, no, nothing like that, just doing things we don't get to do, and that's just kind of relaxed like we don't get to do and that's just kind of relaxed Like we don't get that.
Speaker 2:How does that make you feel?
Speaker 1:I got, I've gotten used to it. It used to bother me where I felt like he he had a, like he was detaching from the relationship, like or what's wrong with you, how come I'm not getting this? It was like I felt like I was being a needy woman because I'm constantly asking you, you know, let's talk about this or let's talk about that and it's like, okay, well, I'm working, I'm doing this, I'm doing that and clear as day, I can see it. You know what I mean. Like he's there, I can see it, but it's like you're operating there, you're not operating here.
Speaker 1:You know what I so for, especially at the beginning, it used to bother me and it used to cause more arguments because I didn't understand, like, what was going on, or what are you doing, or where are you going, or who are all these damn people? You know what I mean. Like, and our house had so many people in it. We had a housekeeper, we had an organizer, we had people fixing on stuff I mean literally and it was just everything was congested. So my release was I just want to talk to you, like, about everything that's going on.
Speaker 1:And he's like, you know, I can't hear that right now I'm doing this and I'm doing that and I can see it clear as day and a lot of times it would make me feel bad, even though I was uncomfortable with it. It would make me feel bad because I know he was working. I know he was working because I saw the bank account. So I'm like you know this obviously comes from, you know the labor of the work and it's like, but I still needed something and he's gotten a lot, a lot better. You know, when we start dating he was 27,. You know he's about to be 36. So he's completely went from like that young boy to transform it into a grown man.
Speaker 4:Talk about that maturation process, though, how did you guys set boundaries around the relationship so that you could have your time? And then, because I'm one of them type of people that's driven, driven, driven- like on all the time. It could be 11 o'clock at night. If I need to call, then I'm going to pick up the phone and I'm going to call. So how do you set boundaries around that? So?
Speaker 2:before you get into your answer. We get back.
Speaker 4:Welcome back to Relationships Matter. So before we went to break, I was asking you about boundaries, and how do you guys set boundaries around the relationship being that Marcus is so it sounds seems like he's more task driven, like check the box, like you know this you know, I'm kind of like that too.
Speaker 3:To the point no, them boxes, yeah, them boxes, yeah, so how?
Speaker 4:do you guys create that, the, the boundaries and the balance around the relationship? So that you guys can have your time and you know, and then he can still do what he needs to do in that space you know the okay.
Speaker 1:So it's something that we do do every night, right, like? And when he was talking to his therapist, his therapist asked him the same question, like what is something that you know, you, just, you guys just do for yourself, like what's the time to yourself? Because obviously you guys I mean literally we're running all day, um, and at the end of the night maybe I put my kids to bed at 8, 8, 30, so after that, like we have a hookah room you know what I mean like you'll have a drink and I'll have mine, and maybe for like three hours majority of the nights throughout the week. That's, that's our time to, where we kind of get to dump stuff off off of one another, like, but that's, that's, that's pretty much it okay. As far as, like the bound, there is no boundaries for anything at all.
Speaker 1:Like literally, we don't go. Like the kids have a schedule. You know his schedule is everywhere. My non-negotiables is my hair, nails and and feet and you know my pampering. But you know, other than that, like there is none, like we don't, that doesn't really exist. She said that doesn't exist.
Speaker 2:That don't, yeah. So I know you mentioned like about being understanding because you know you see it right. You mentioned like about being understanding because you know you see it right. But even and I'm just speaking on behalf of like other conversations I've had and things like that where a woman can see like the man is working hard, you know he's on his grind, but then, as you mentioned that distance, that gap, because it's like all right, like this is, it's like an ongoing thing, like this is like an ongoing thing. But what about me? Or what about the kids? Or you know those things that matter. But how? How are you able to really like be OK in that space, knowing in the long run, because I've been together for at least 10 plus years?
Speaker 2:It's been eight, eight years going on 10 okay, um, because I know resentment can set in for people and, and you know we, we see a lot of couples even though successful, but the resentment happens. It could be within year 15, it could be within year 20, you know, know what I mean, where that can seep in. And for you it's just a real question, because there are women that not you, but just in general there are women who are like I'm okay with this because I have the lifestyle I'm good.
Speaker 2:Like they'll find those ways to settle you feel what I'm saying, but in y'all's situation, like y'all really love each other, yeah, but then you have these different dynamics going on. So I just wanted to to ask, like if I feel like it goes too far, I'll force myself in the situation.
Speaker 1:Okay, you know what I mean. Like I'll force them, I'll forcefully put myself there. Or I'll forcefully put me and the kids there and say, hey, we come in too. You know what I mean. Like you go in here for that long, ok, well, we'll come on this day, or when the kids get out of school, or something like that. I don't, I don't let it go too far to where we feel completely detached, like damn, we ain't seen you when you been, or anything like that. Like if it never goes too far, because, like I said, if I feel uncomfortable with something or I just feel like, nah, I forcefully put myself in a situation.
Speaker 2:Do you think he would ever notice?
Speaker 1:on his own, or would he be too locked in? I don't think it's anything that he would notice. I don't think that he would think that far into it, like, oh OK, we'll just come.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean, because I'm speaking like as I'm, as I'm talking again, it's in and I understand the intentions are always pure. You know, I know for me, like in my situation, as much as I worked and different things that I did again, not y'all's with mine, when, when things wasn't going right.
Speaker 2:You know a part of for one. The narrative that the kids heard was well, I'm here doing all of this for y'all. I got y'all, even though there was the understanding quote-unquote that daddy was working. But then I was villainized for my efforts.
Speaker 2:But we had to sit in front of that person yeah, he makes decisions, yeah so that that's what my question, because I'm just curious, like just naturally curious, how, how you all are balancing that, because it is important and a lot of times we do get stuck in our roles in such a way that if we don't find that time you know to to get that balance and to be able to come back, then you know it can in other situations. I know for me it just it creates that distance which turns into to something else. That's why I just wanted to ask how are? Y'all navigating that?
Speaker 1:you know, I just think for us, when I do think about things like that, it's like we really want to be in this relationship. So, regardless of of what we're going through or how we're going through it, like, if you really want to be in this relationship, you, you'll salve it out. You know what I mean. Like you'll, you'll figure it out. And I just feel like, for people who don't want to, for people who chose to step outside of their relationship marriage or distance or whatever well, what did you do to conform that? Because obviously you were feeling exactly what I felt and you let it happen, like I let it happen. You know what I mean. That's why I said a lot of times, I'll forcefully put myself, you know there, like no nigga, you going too long. You know what I mean. Like we'll come, or I'll come, or you know what I mean, or something like that.
Speaker 1:But other than that, I feel like the only reason, a lot of the reason why this works, is because we want it to work. That's it. We're not perfect at all. Like I'm heavily flawed. So is he. You know what I mean. But at the end of the day, like we, I want to be married to him. I want to be in this relationship. I don't see anybody else but him, and it's been like that since I moved here, like it's been nothing or nobody but him. Because I want it and because he wants it, because I want it and because he wants it and he makes me feel wanted, like he makes me feel like this is what we're doing together. It's never him versus me, it's this is what we're doing together in this marriage.
Speaker 4:So yeah, so you said something when you moved to Atlanta. I want to talk about that, talk about, I want to talk about the adjustment, because you only knew him, you only knew.
Speaker 1:Marcus Well, no, okay, so I had a couple of friends out here, Okay, so I had one friend who I'm no longer friends with, and then I've I had my other friend, calvin. So when I first got here, these were the friends that I was hanging with, and Marcus here. These were the friends that I was hanging with and Marcus is like no, you can't hang with them, right, and I'm like what, what you talking about? He was like look, we have to build our foundation here. So if you start showing your daughter to other outside people, she'll get used to that.
Speaker 1:She won't know me like we have to get to know us and that was so hard for me, wow, because I'm like you got me fucked up, like like I ain't come here to be controlled and for a long time I held, I held a little resentment against him, like you're trying to control me, so I would. I would do things, you know, to kind of puff my chest out like you're not controlling me, when he wasn't wrong, like he was not like what was the examples of some of those things like puffing your chest up oh, I would go anyways, like you know what I mean, or I would go hang, you know, I would go hang with them anyways.
Speaker 1:And he was like well, you, you, you kind of know what I said and I don't think, but was he hanging?
Speaker 4:with other people, though no, not really so he was. He was there much of the time, pretty much okay, when I I first moved here, when you first moved here, yeah 2016 when I first moved here.
Speaker 1:So I'm not saying I was hanging with them all the time or every day. You know what I mean. He was like look, don't start introducing her to other people just yet, because she has to get to know me. His main concern was her, our foundation and this household. My brain wasn't there yet, like he was far beyond when. When we moved here, he was far beyond the scope of where my brain was. As far as you know, solidarity, the foundation and the family and and things like that.
Speaker 4:I wasn't, I wasn't thinking like that and the fact that he wanted to put that amount of time into developing the foundation.
Speaker 1:Most men don't, don't right, so I probably thought he was full of shit at the time. You know what I mean. Like what you talking about. Like I can't go hang with my friend. Like I said, I come from northern. Like this is what we do. Like what are you talking about? You know what I mean. But for him you know he's been here years prior, so he's seen things, he's done things and I'm like I don't. I don't know what that is or what you're talking about. So I'm, you know I'll see you later. You know what I mean. But I'm taking my daughter because she's playing with my friend's son and you know things like that and you know. But I eventually I got it. Like I understood exactly what he was saying.
Speaker 2:That's good. So there has to come a level of trust Right. We understand that some people do do things in a way that's controlling manipulative and all of those things, so we're going to take that box.
Speaker 2:We're going to put it to the side. What were his actions that made you feel safe and confident enough in order to really fully buy in? Because, listening to your story, obviously I got a million of them. I got into a relationship and I remember that said person expressed to me hey, you need to cut all female relationships in your life, all right for my household. Cool, no problem. That's what's gonna make you feel right right but on the flip side, the brothers, out the yin yang, the we grew up together out the yin yang just wouldn't let it go, and when I hear you, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2:Like, what was that thing for you? You mentioned one example because you said, well, well, he told me that, but he was also being an example for that.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 1:You know what I'm saying so you know it was never what he said, it was what he did. Right, it was never. You know it wasn't. You know he macked on me for a little bit before I got here, but once I got here it was like straight and narrow. You know what I mean. It's what he did. It's the actions that he took with my daughter. You know the play dates that he had with her by himself, the things that I felt like he put her before he put me. You know what I mean. Like the things that he did with her, the things that he did for me.
Speaker 1:This man had nothing and gave me everything and when I say everything I mean everything to where I wasn't this woman I am before I came here. Like he helped turn me into this woman. When they talk about submission and being soft and things like that, it's like I had none of that before I met this man. But it was so easy to conform into this because of who he was like literally, when I say it was just us like, it was just us like I've literally hand and foot, like and we got in arguments, we got in fights I mean regular couple stuff but like legitimately, it was everything that he did that he did to even put me in position to make me be how do I say this Just financially dependent on him to quit my job.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean. Like I've always had a job, I'm a college graduate. I've always had a job, I'm a college graduate. You know what I mean. But just to relinquish, you know, some of that to him like it was everything he did, it was nothing he said to make me, to make me feel like it was OK.
Speaker 2:That's beautiful. So when we get back more with Marcus's Mac and Welcome back to Relationships Matter.
Speaker 4:All right, so we got the foundation laid right. You guys have, I guess. Well, first of all, before I go there, when you got here to Atlanta, how long was it before you engaged and got married? A?
Speaker 1:year, so we got engaged July 5th 2017.
Speaker 3:Okay, yeah.
Speaker 1:But I was pregnant. I think he asked to marry me because I was pregnant, Gosh.
Speaker 4:I wish I could write him over here.
Speaker 1:She was due December.
Speaker 4:Oh, my goodness, but I think you would be able to see through that if that were the case. Oh, of course.
Speaker 1:Absolutely, because, like I said, I wasn't a person who ever cared to be married. I never felt like marriage was for me in anything. I felt like it was more success, Like when I graduated from college okay, I'm going to stay here for a year, I'm going to go buy a house, like I've always just saw me. It was never having a partner the white picket fence, you know, cleaning and cooking and that just, you know, that didn't, that wasn't my forte. So you know, when he asked if it wasn't genuine or if I didn't feel like this is something that he really wanted it, I know him it wouldn't happen. He just wouldn't ask. Right, he's not a person that can be forced into anything. Right? So, yeah, ok. So now you have this foundation, right? So, yeah, okay. So it wouldn't happen.
Speaker 4:So now y'all have this foundation right. How did you ease into the whole Atlanta culture, Like with the women, yeah? Because she's struggling with it. I'm struggling with it. I even talked to Marcus about it.
Speaker 1:Don't come up from my seat enough. No, listen, it's. You know, you just have to. What I found is you just have to find your people like. And I think that a lot of people get so fixated on the who's who on social media and they want to be attached to that and a lot of times it's not that your people may not be on social media at all, but they can help you flourish and grow on whatever it is that you're doing. You know, a lot of times you just need a supportive group. You know what I mean. Like you don't need, you know, you don't need a diehard friend, you just need a supportive group or just somebody you can converse with or talk to. That's what I found because, trust me, they, they come for me all the time. You know what I mean and I'm like man, yeah, get out of here, but for the most, but I still keep it cordial, right, you know what I mean. Like you learn to put people in boxes and a lot of times I vibe off energy like.
Speaker 1:Like, if your energy not right, if I don't feel it, I ain't fucking with you. Like I'm the we're not even really having a conversation, right, you know what I mean, because you can see through it, especially in Atlanta, you know, a lot of times they just can't. Well, can you help me with this or can you do this or what? You got going on over there and it's like damn, how are you doing? Like you know what I mean. Like, and that's why so many people always say like it's easier for them to talk to me than to talk to my husband because I'm more peer to peer. Like don't put me on stage and try to ask me all these questions. Like, I don't want to do that. You know what I mean. Like I like peer to peer. You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:That's what to me, that's how I build connections with people. So I mean, in this circle, you just got to got to find your people and, trust me, they'll come. But if you don't go out, nowhere, you ain't gonna meet nobody. So where you be going, I'll be going. See, that's how you expect to meet anybody Like your people. Like they're here because it's so many people here and I just feel like if you don't go out and start social, I like I don't see y'all at no networking events or nothing, not to say you guys want to do that or you care to do that. But I'm saying if you want to meet people or find your people, I was going to come to y'all's you should have.
Speaker 4:I swear my hair. Look, I was getting ready to get the braids. My hair was everywhere and I was like gosh. If I had known I could have did this Girl, you could have put on a excuse, but y'all was supposed to have one in may. I saw the live, I was on the live, no, and I didn't hear. No, they, just they, the guys. They were saying we may do it again in may, okay, I didn't see anything else on my yeah, no, I don't know no I'm definitely gonna, yeah, check it out, but we do a bunch of random pop-up, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1:Stuff like I think you use that a couple of david shan's birthday, like you will go to a birthday party, yeah, but you know that that's the thing. Just just get outside, you know I I saw marcus legitimately handpick his people by going to these networking events, talking to people, you know, being strategic about his alliances and his groups, like I watched him do it. You know what I mean. But he had to be in these places to do it, to meet these people to see who they are, what their lives are like and legitimately I've seen them build a brotherhood. You know what I mean and you see it more. A lot of people see it on social media. I don't really show a lot of you know social media stuff cause I don't really care about lot of you know social media stuff, because I don't really, I don't care about it.
Speaker 2:So yeah, outside of um, outside of work, being a wife, being a mother, all them jobs yeah most important question for me. All the questions are great, but what are you doing for you?
Speaker 1:I know he's gonna ask that question because you asked somebody else what in terms of what like?
Speaker 2:see, see.
Speaker 1:That's why no no, you got to explain like what, what do you mean doing for me in terms of what?
Speaker 2:because I do a lot of things, whatever whatever comes to your spirit, because you know, we, we all you know, wear these different hats like you just mentioned. You know what?
Speaker 3:I'm saying yeah.
Speaker 2:What is something that's good for your personal development? How are you working on your mental, emotional or spiritual health and well-being, like those things? You know what I'm saying that are extremely important outside of finance, Like what is that thing that you're doing? Because other people that watch and see? You know we have a culture of people who are killing themselves behind making a dollar Right, that's a real thing.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And I don't care how successful. No, you're right, I don't care if somebody got $100 million.
Speaker 1:Oh, I see it yeah.
Speaker 2:They trying to get $500 million.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you know what I'm saying yeah, so like like when is when is enough, ever enough so that's why I'm asking for you right.
Speaker 2:But again, I'm just saying like, and these are, everybody has their right to make their choices, but I just think it's important because we do forget about us, right, because we're so busy going and so, like I said, there's a couple like non-negotiables you know what I mean.
Speaker 1:Like as far as like on surface stuff, like my hair, like it's this non-negotiable, my nail, like these are things that make me feel good, you know what I mean. On top of I just started. So I have a thing where I use therapy coloring books, right, and that just puts me in a mode where I lock myself in my office so I could just not think about anything because I'm constantly thinking about so much all day. From the time I get up, which is like seven, 20, to the time I lay down Like I don't, there's, there's no, there's maybe like two hours that I can just have to myself. But I still got to make phone calls, handle stuff, pay people. You know what I mean. There's just a lot of things that are going on, but for the most part for me, I try to take a day to myself, to where I don't have to do anything like, and that's usually on a weekend, because that's all I got.
Speaker 2:Sure, Sure, Uh, just on the side. No, but I'll share some of those coloring books with me, Cause I try to. I try to get you know just different things Like I write, I read, um, I love music, it's crazy Like it's kind of a part of everything because of the kids and everybody got to get everywhere.
Speaker 2:But I drive a lot, so for me I'm spending sometimes five hours in the car a day, five hours in a car a day going, dropping this one off, doing this, doing that. So that's like for me therapeutic, where I could just either listen to music or do.
Speaker 1:So because I am in a car a lot, and and legitimately, like you said, five, six hours a day, that's me I listen to spa music because spa music is what helps me think, like when the kids want to get in car, get in the car and start listening. All that. It's like no, I can't think with that type of music in my ears. So, for me, I listen to spa music because it puts me in a relaxation mode, because I always feel like I'm on 10. Like I got to get this done, I got to get that done. There's not a day that goes by that I don't have that, unless it's like on the weekend, where I don't want to be bothered by nobody, where I won't answer a text message, where literally I'll just, you know, surf the internet, where I could just do exactly what I want to do. For a lot of times that's what I do. For me, you know what I mean it's find something or some way to relax and let my brain free, because I'm utilizing my brain for everything all day.
Speaker 2:That's beautiful, so definitely appreciate you. I'm glad we got your king in here.
Speaker 4:I want to give her a moment to go ahead and plug Recession Proof please.
Speaker 1:Oh okay, recession Proof the number one financial literacy community in the world. We have almost, or about, or a little over 10,000 members. We teach everything from finance, credit, business building we have the one percenters to where there are high earners. You have to be making more than twenty five thousand or more a month. You know that's our smaller group, but yeah, but for the most part, you know, you've seen it, we were session proof.
Speaker 2:I think you did that extremely well, thank you. He's proud, you know. As we close out, this has been a beautiful conversation, so I know you're here. Yeah, y'all are here yeah so I just want to extend my love, man, and just say you know how appreciative I am, appreciative we are, but I know for me, you know there's. I'm just super thankful to see people that look like us doing what they're doing.
Speaker 2:Um, you have a unique story in the way that you did it you know, and that's beautiful for other people to see yeah because you know clips go up all the time. You just see a lot of people just arguing in the comments about what is this and that and the third, and it's like they can't think outside the box. But you both come from where you come from. You came, came to Atlanta, navigated in this space. You know successful Y'all got kids. You know y'all are co-parenting in a healthy way. Yeah, you know all of those things.
Speaker 2:The biggest thing, yeah, and you know, you, you know being an amazing woman. You got your king in here, amazing guy. Shout out to you my brother, you know what I'm saying, because we gotta gotta give flowers, man, when, when it's important to just always do that.
Speaker 2:So I try to make sure that that is always done, you know, whenever I can, because it is important. A lot of times people don't hear that when they're doing what they're doing, you know. So thank you. Thank you, appreciate you, king and and and appreciate you for being a part of this conversation. I hope you enjoyed it.
Speaker 2:I know we did so so you know, absolutely, and till next time, I'm going to work on my Mac and I'm going to get into Mr Barney's class to see what it do, how I can grow and get my financial loan, get this credit thing popping, and all of that Newest member of the Recession Proof family. Right here let's go.
Speaker 3:Here we go Till next time.
Speaker 2:Relationships matter, we'll holler at y'all Relationships matter.
Speaker 3:I need you to understand Relationships matter.